man alive
it's been a long time since i've mustered the moxie to write, but i forget how good it is for my health to do so. i'll do my best:
sunday, i returned from the funeral of my mother's youngest sister. she had just turned 49 about 2 weeks ago and died of colon cancer. the onset of which escapes me, but she'd been battling the cancer for some time before it spread to the liver and grew increasingly terminal. everything about the experience was and is profoundly surreal: the hope that she enjoyed her life; the confusion of how she became so ill, so quickly; the culture shock of southern culture with their orgasmic funeral processions and whatever it is that simmers beneath their hot sun; wondering how the doggedly competitive culture of my mother's family shaped my own non-competitive identity. all of this while helping my sister travel with her two rambunctious children and worrying about my own mortality and homelife.
it's crazy-making, ya know?
throughout all of this, i've been trying to organize my life, wean off of anti-depressants, sugar, and coffee, clean up my diet, and make sense of my own personal strengths and weaknesses so i can pursue a more effective career path. uh, blah. some of that is fun/satisfyingly challenging, but much of it is stressful, frightening, exhausting, and lonely. especially when your partner doesn't try to relate and you realize it's because he has never and may never feel powerless and weak. that sounds a bit harsh to me......more accurately, i feel like someone who is growing in the shadows of someone who has always believed himself fully grown and has no awareness of smallness. i only have myself to blame for feeling victimized or getting into situations where i can't at least function competitively. i just don't know how to prove myself yet.
and i hate writing shit that doesn't make sense so i'm stopping right here.
sunday, i returned from the funeral of my mother's youngest sister. she had just turned 49 about 2 weeks ago and died of colon cancer. the onset of which escapes me, but she'd been battling the cancer for some time before it spread to the liver and grew increasingly terminal. everything about the experience was and is profoundly surreal: the hope that she enjoyed her life; the confusion of how she became so ill, so quickly; the culture shock of southern culture with their orgasmic funeral processions and whatever it is that simmers beneath their hot sun; wondering how the doggedly competitive culture of my mother's family shaped my own non-competitive identity. all of this while helping my sister travel with her two rambunctious children and worrying about my own mortality and homelife.
it's crazy-making, ya know?
throughout all of this, i've been trying to organize my life, wean off of anti-depressants, sugar, and coffee, clean up my diet, and make sense of my own personal strengths and weaknesses so i can pursue a more effective career path. uh, blah. some of that is fun/satisfyingly challenging, but much of it is stressful, frightening, exhausting, and lonely. especially when your partner doesn't try to relate and you realize it's because he has never and may never feel powerless and weak. that sounds a bit harsh to me......more accurately, i feel like someone who is growing in the shadows of someone who has always believed himself fully grown and has no awareness of smallness. i only have myself to blame for feeling victimized or getting into situations where i can't at least function competitively. i just don't know how to prove myself yet.
and i hate writing shit that doesn't make sense so i'm stopping right here.