Various Things (Iroiro no koto)
I haven't been in the mood to write in my journal for the last month because of my last entry. Soon after writing it, my dog Harley was put to sleep. Everytime I loaded livejournal I was reminded of my desperate thoughts of a time when he was still alive and I was hopefully that he would be okay. I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning to a call from my mother. I kind of felt like I could stop time by not writing about it, or thinking about.
I don't want to think about going home and my dog not being there, but thats the last thing I have to face. I've been trying to get over the news in my own way, but I know I'm going to completely open up again when I go home. The closure isn't there yet.
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I went home to Kobe over the weekend. I know that sounds silly, going home to a place that isn't home. But that's exactly what it felt like and I knew where everything was. Half a dozen fellow classmates from my year abroad returned to Kobe and we went to our school, saw our old friends, and relived the days we spent there almost exactly the same. It was amazing. I really feel like Kobe is more of a home than Tokyo will ever be. Tokyo is overcrowded, too busy, and cold (not temp). Kobe will always be filled with warm memories, friendlier people, and a more relaxed atmosphere. I loved driving up to the mountain and then looking down over the city into the sea. It was beautiful.
I was only there for three days, but my southern Japanese accent returned in full force. I became eager and inspired. I felt young again for the first time in months.
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I have two more days of work and then I begin the long goodbye. A christmas party, visiting Pete and Linh, and then Devin, and finally returning for a birthday/going away party. The saddest part is when I'm asked 'When are you coming back?' and I don't have an answer. I don't have a plan.
I am so ready to leave this deadend internship, but visiting my friends in Kobe reminded me that I still have a lot of love for this place. I don't even have another city in America that I feel the same way about. I feel like I've exhausted Pittsburgh, or that most people have left it already. My closest friends are all in Japan, scattered, teaching english, which I don't feel is the path for me; my brother is away at college; my dog is gone; home is very different than it used to be.
I've been sleepwalking, and I need to wake up.
I don't want to think about going home and my dog not being there, but thats the last thing I have to face. I've been trying to get over the news in my own way, but I know I'm going to completely open up again when I go home. The closure isn't there yet.
---------------------
I went home to Kobe over the weekend. I know that sounds silly, going home to a place that isn't home. But that's exactly what it felt like and I knew where everything was. Half a dozen fellow classmates from my year abroad returned to Kobe and we went to our school, saw our old friends, and relived the days we spent there almost exactly the same. It was amazing. I really feel like Kobe is more of a home than Tokyo will ever be. Tokyo is overcrowded, too busy, and cold (not temp). Kobe will always be filled with warm memories, friendlier people, and a more relaxed atmosphere. I loved driving up to the mountain and then looking down over the city into the sea. It was beautiful.
I was only there for three days, but my southern Japanese accent returned in full force. I became eager and inspired. I felt young again for the first time in months.
---------------------
I have two more days of work and then I begin the long goodbye. A christmas party, visiting Pete and Linh, and then Devin, and finally returning for a birthday/going away party. The saddest part is when I'm asked 'When are you coming back?' and I don't have an answer. I don't have a plan.
I am so ready to leave this deadend internship, but visiting my friends in Kobe reminded me that I still have a lot of love for this place. I don't even have another city in America that I feel the same way about. I feel like I've exhausted Pittsburgh, or that most people have left it already. My closest friends are all in Japan, scattered, teaching english, which I don't feel is the path for me; my brother is away at college; my dog is gone; home is very different than it used to be.
I've been sleepwalking, and I need to wake up.