Trick or Treat?: Definitely Trick.
So I've done an awesome job at keeping up on the weekly updates... ah well.
Joe has been out of town since Friday and I was hoping that would lead to this being a very productive week. Alas, this was not the case. He left for the second time (after forgetting the Penn State tickets and driving 1.5 hours only to turn around) and within 5 minutes I started having a breakdown at realizing I was going to be all alone for a full 7 days. So I called my parents and they came and got me the next evening and I've been staying with them ever since.
Why do I do this to myself? It's true that there are few things in this world I hate more than being alone. Despite being introverted, I like having people around, not necessarily always interacting with me, but at least around. However, one of the few things I find worse than being alone is spending extended periods of time with my family. If you've met my family, you're probably thinking "why? they seem pretty cool to me." And they are, as long as they aren't your parents. Not only do their specific personality quirks and running of the household quirks get to me (as I think they do to most people who no longer live with their parents), but my mother, especially, ignores me. She has always ignored me or not been willing to give me her attention until I am actually done saying or showing her something, but rather only half of that time, whatever amount of time it is. And since I have brought it up to her multiple times lately, she now goes out of her way to explain that she wasn't trying to ignore me, it was just that after every time she ignores me. Being here for a few hours or maybe even a day is ok, but any longer is really emotional torture, and I still want my mother's attention so much that I ask her to do things with me that inevitably get postponed and turn out to be pretty miserable.
My parents also do so much for me. They were more than happy to come out to pick me up and fix things around the apartment and they are making us a headboard for our bed. My mother loves to point these things out to me whenever I do bring up problems in our relationship and it just kills me. I already feel ashamed about not wanting to be around them, but I am slowly realizing that nothing can make up for or undo the pain of being ignored, like I don't even exist or matter, when I'm in their presence.
Alright, now to keep with my goals we are going to end this on some positive notes:
Accomplishments: I successfully cleaned the apartment. All of it.
The pans got hung up on the wall so now there is a little more space in our kitchen cabinets.
I am recognizing the pain I'm in, and rather than just feeling helpless, I am being proactive and leaving tomorrow for a few days.
I'm gonna keep trying with the weekly update thing, but given how well it has been going so far, maybe well just have to settle for posts like this.
Joe has been out of town since Friday and I was hoping that would lead to this being a very productive week. Alas, this was not the case. He left for the second time (after forgetting the Penn State tickets and driving 1.5 hours only to turn around) and within 5 minutes I started having a breakdown at realizing I was going to be all alone for a full 7 days. So I called my parents and they came and got me the next evening and I've been staying with them ever since.
Why do I do this to myself? It's true that there are few things in this world I hate more than being alone. Despite being introverted, I like having people around, not necessarily always interacting with me, but at least around. However, one of the few things I find worse than being alone is spending extended periods of time with my family. If you've met my family, you're probably thinking "why? they seem pretty cool to me." And they are, as long as they aren't your parents. Not only do their specific personality quirks and running of the household quirks get to me (as I think they do to most people who no longer live with their parents), but my mother, especially, ignores me. She has always ignored me or not been willing to give me her attention until I am actually done saying or showing her something, but rather only half of that time, whatever amount of time it is. And since I have brought it up to her multiple times lately, she now goes out of her way to explain that she wasn't trying to ignore me, it was just that after every time she ignores me. Being here for a few hours or maybe even a day is ok, but any longer is really emotional torture, and I still want my mother's attention so much that I ask her to do things with me that inevitably get postponed and turn out to be pretty miserable.
My parents also do so much for me. They were more than happy to come out to pick me up and fix things around the apartment and they are making us a headboard for our bed. My mother loves to point these things out to me whenever I do bring up problems in our relationship and it just kills me. I already feel ashamed about not wanting to be around them, but I am slowly realizing that nothing can make up for or undo the pain of being ignored, like I don't even exist or matter, when I'm in their presence.
Alright, now to keep with my goals we are going to end this on some positive notes:
Accomplishments: I successfully cleaned the apartment. All of it.
The pans got hung up on the wall so now there is a little more space in our kitchen cabinets.
I am recognizing the pain I'm in, and rather than just feeling helpless, I am being proactive and leaving tomorrow for a few days.
I'm gonna keep trying with the weekly update thing, but given how well it has been going so far, maybe well just have to settle for posts like this.