Success in failure
So I have really not done the best at keeping up with the lj updating like I planned, but that is mostly because when I've been at my computer, I've been getting work done and doing the things the updating was supposed to help with. So overall I'd still call that a success. I'm still gonna try to update with my accomplishments and goals and we'll just see how that goes...
I also have more exciting news! For about a year or so now, I have been stuck in the middle of the worst depression of my life. It's true that I had some good days and occasionally they were even sequential, but I would fall right back into all of the anxiety and doubt and terribleness. I think it is safe to say that I am finally coming out of that. The negative voices just don't have the same power and I feel like I have the energy to get through the day without having to coax myself through it.
I don't currently have a therapist, but I am working on it, asking for recommendations from friends and their therapists (especially if they are in the Cambridge area). I find it interesting that I had a support group and therapy for most of my depression and then I got out of it when I didn't have that. I think it goes to show that sometimes the depression just has to take it's own course and you'll get out of it when you get out of it. That doesn't mean I don't believe in therapy; I do and it is a great thing. It's how I learn strategies to cope with the depression and understand what I am going through, but therapy won't magically fix things either. I also think I might feel more confident in this being over for now if I had a therapist.
Right now I am trying to focus on not worrying about the next bought of depression. I'm trying to follow the advice of my new heroes, Brene Brown and Jenny Lawson. If you don't know who they are, you should check them out!! Brene has given 2 TED talks about vulnerability that you can find here and here as well as appeared on Katie Couric's new talk show with Jenny Lawson, whose blog you should definitely read. Anyway, part of this advice is that to avoid the hurt we also end up avoiding joy, don't do that. When things are going well, don't panic and worry about the next bad thing that will happen, just enjoy the moment. I'm trying to do this SO HARD. The main way this has manifested itself is to try not to be too productive. I've found on my good days I go nuts and accomplish about a billion things. Then after a day or two of that, I crash. Big surprise. I realized the overproductivity was just a way of anticipating bad times again. I'm very lucky that I can be very productive, which is good because I need to be. But I need to balance it. I am not a crazy workaholic and when the day is over, I need to stop and take a little time to do something else -- read, watch tv, whatever. I also need to dedicate myself to working when my day is not yet over (although hour to hour and a half lunch breaks are acceptable).
It's been going well so far. Of course I finally get mentally better and I come down with a cold, but so it goes. I am hoping to keep up the confidence I'm feeling so that I can actually finish this dissertation. I'm also trying to build myself up to apply for post-docs, which I would have ideally done about 2 months ago. BUT NO JUDGMENT! I am working toward it now and I will succeed. And I can be happy. I will be happy when I succeed, but I'm also allowed to be happy now.
I also have more exciting news! For about a year or so now, I have been stuck in the middle of the worst depression of my life. It's true that I had some good days and occasionally they were even sequential, but I would fall right back into all of the anxiety and doubt and terribleness. I think it is safe to say that I am finally coming out of that. The negative voices just don't have the same power and I feel like I have the energy to get through the day without having to coax myself through it.
I don't currently have a therapist, but I am working on it, asking for recommendations from friends and their therapists (especially if they are in the Cambridge area). I find it interesting that I had a support group and therapy for most of my depression and then I got out of it when I didn't have that. I think it goes to show that sometimes the depression just has to take it's own course and you'll get out of it when you get out of it. That doesn't mean I don't believe in therapy; I do and it is a great thing. It's how I learn strategies to cope with the depression and understand what I am going through, but therapy won't magically fix things either. I also think I might feel more confident in this being over for now if I had a therapist.
Right now I am trying to focus on not worrying about the next bought of depression. I'm trying to follow the advice of my new heroes, Brene Brown and Jenny Lawson. If you don't know who they are, you should check them out!! Brene has given 2 TED talks about vulnerability that you can find here and here as well as appeared on Katie Couric's new talk show with Jenny Lawson, whose blog you should definitely read. Anyway, part of this advice is that to avoid the hurt we also end up avoiding joy, don't do that. When things are going well, don't panic and worry about the next bad thing that will happen, just enjoy the moment. I'm trying to do this SO HARD. The main way this has manifested itself is to try not to be too productive. I've found on my good days I go nuts and accomplish about a billion things. Then after a day or two of that, I crash. Big surprise. I realized the overproductivity was just a way of anticipating bad times again. I'm very lucky that I can be very productive, which is good because I need to be. But I need to balance it. I am not a crazy workaholic and when the day is over, I need to stop and take a little time to do something else -- read, watch tv, whatever. I also need to dedicate myself to working when my day is not yet over (although hour to hour and a half lunch breaks are acceptable).
It's been going well so far. Of course I finally get mentally better and I come down with a cold, but so it goes. I am hoping to keep up the confidence I'm feeling so that I can actually finish this dissertation. I'm also trying to build myself up to apply for post-docs, which I would have ideally done about 2 months ago. BUT NO JUDGMENT! I am working toward it now and I will succeed. And I can be happy. I will be happy when I succeed, but I'm also allowed to be happy now.