they say it's a broken heart but I hurt in my whole body
Dear Gossip Girl,
I think that it is needless to say that our relationship has been a complicated one. I met you when I was only a girl; impressionable and naive. You were the big man on campus, strutting around in your leather jacket and firing off witty-one liners. Even before I met you, I heard about you and was awe-struck by how cool my peers said you were, so that when I finally saw you for the first time, I think I was already halfway in love with you. There was instant chemistry and I found myself doing things that I had sworn I would never do for a TV show again, like join livejournal or write fanfiction. But even then, as I began to slide down the slippery slope of fandom, I told myself that it was okay because I loved you and you loved me, and in the end, love could justify anything.
Then came season two and something fundamental changed in you. Our meetings became more charged--not with those butterflies that you so lovingly had Chuck Bass place in my stomach, but with tension. There were things, small things, that scared me such as the fact that I was no longer sure you were bring up the ridiculous British Lord mockingly, or that brief period of infidelity when you made Chuck and Vanessa sleep together. I became afraid without even knowing I was afraid, my body always tensed as I waited for you to raise your voice or fall into insanity forever. However there were enough brief flashes of your past self so that when unpretrubed by others I could almost pretend that as long as I was patient, the you that I knew, the one that I had abandoned my former self for, would come back to me eventually.
Sadly that was not what happened. The third season marked your final and total descent into madness; you'd telling me things like 'almost-prostitution is okay as long as it seems voluntary' or 'fake-cancer' and expect me to believe it, and get angry when I didn't. I would stand there every Monday night and watch with revultion and horror at what you had become. But still, I stayed. Though I have no idea why, I stayed. You would treat me like an idiot, taking my heart every night and trampling on it like it meant nothing to you, then throwing a shiny bauble at me the next morning with the assumption that the love I had for you was unconditional. You made me believe that I was to blame for what had happened to us; I had expected too much, I was being too sensitive, I was too selfish. You were growing, money was being poured into your hands with the ease of indulgent parents into their spoiled child's sweaty palms, so change was a natural consequence. But then came the ultimate betrayal. You took Chuck, our pride and joy Chuck, and destroyed him so completely and irreversibly. It was then that I fully realized the monster that you had become.
Because of what I had been forced to suffer, I swore to myself as season three came to a close, that I would leave you forever. But as summer wore on I began to weaken. You called to me with your gratuitous pictures and colorful outfits. It was not as if I believed you to be healed--I still heard things like 'amnesia' and 'stalker'--but that the siren song was simply too powerful. It was only after I had caved and finished watching your season premiere did I finally realize that in entering our whirlwind romance three years ago, I had somehow become involved in an abusive relationship. You have reduced me down to nothingness; a girl who can do no more than suffer silently as her man beats on her, who cites "love" as the end-all, be-all for her life.
With season four, I do not know what to expect. Maybe there will be an assassination plot, maybe someone will die again in a random car accident, maybe the wolves that showed up out of nowhere in season three will morph into werewolves, maybe someone will develop a brain tumor, maybe a character will discover that she has an evil twin who has been running around and sleeping with her brother. Maybe. I have found that the only thing I can be sure of now is that you will hurt me and I will want to leave you again.
I can not quit you, Gossip Girl; I have tried and I have failed. I can only pray that when our relationship finally comes to a close, you will have left enough of my heart unbroken that I will eventually be able to heal and leave behind the damage you have done unto me.
Love,
Slimybunny