fic: dance till you're dead
title: dance till you're dead
characters: georgina centric; GC, GS, GB
rating: pg 13
summary: And let's not pretend, okay? Roofies are the oldest trick in the book. There's no way Serena didn't know. But she drank it anyway, because she owed Georgina at least this much.
The men cry out
The girls cry out
The men cry out, oh no.
If you rewind far enough into the story, you'll find that it wasn't always this way; that somehow, somewhere along the lines someone took a wrong turn and they all ended up here. If you bother to look back you'll find that maybe; just maybe, it wasn't supposed to be this way.
But here's the thing, no one ever does.
There's this Upper East Side legend that Georgina Sparks was born with three sixes engraved on the back of her neck and copious amounts of eyeliner slathered on her newborn face. Some girls even believe (and coincidentally these are the girls that look fat trying to wear leather the way Georgina does) that her mother was the daughter of a Salem Witch who, when she couldn't conceive, sacrificed the family dog, Fluffy, and nine months later Georgina was born.
Georgina never denied the rumors of course, partly because Constance's gym teacher was a religious zealot who would let her out of running the mile whenever she waggled her fingers at him, and partly because the alternative, that her mother was the daughter of an Italian restaurant owner and that once a month their whole house would smell like a pizzeria, is just too mortifying to admit to.
But in the spirit of full disclosure (and we all know how Georgina likes her disclosure) that is not how her story starts.
(Once upon a time, in a land that feels far, far away, a baby is born and the entire kingdom holds its breath at the tiny girl's beauty. Mark holds Carrie's hand throughout the entire birth, and even though it feels like she'd broken a bone or two, when their daughter opens her dark eyes he gives his wife's hand a gentle squeeze. They watch her and suddenly they're sure; it doesn't matter that Mark's a rising star at his law firm or that Carrie's work as one of Manhattan's top interior designers takes her all over the state, because they are completely positive that God had given them a miracle so they couldn't screw this up.
"Georgina," Carrie had breathed out, citing her late-mother's name because to her it meant garlands of Italian flowers strung in her hair and soft songs sung while kneading dough; it carried every wish for her daughter.)
But if Georgina's being honest (which rarely happens, so let's all dwell in this moment for a while) it's not how her story starts that ends up mattering.
(Elsewhere, in a land of disappointment and failing marriages, Lilly Rhodes turned Van der Woodsen primarily at her mother's urging, asks for her husband once again before hugging out one last breath and her infant daughter is born. The child's cries mix with her own.)
It happens when she's five years old.
Here's the funny thing, by that point so much has already happened in her life. She's taken her first step, been potty trained, and said her first word. Her mother has read her a bedtime story every night, her father comes in when she has nightmares to perform his special dance that chases away monsters, and she has a bear that's rubbed thin behind the ears because she holds it whenever she gets scared. This has all happened, each officially documented with a snapshot in her mother's scrapbook, but it's like none of that really matters; like nothing before that one moment really matters.
(Because in the grand scheme of things meeting Serena Van der Woodsen far outranks learning how to walk.)
"Serena," the blonde girl says before grabbing her hand. Georgina resists the urge to lecture her about how that wasn't good manners, but Serena's hair is really shiny and though it's only the third day of school, Georgina knows for a fact that Serena's already popular, so she refrains. "And that girl's Blair."
Faintly, she can make out the outline of a girl with brunette pigtails streaming behind her, running up to them.
"Come on," Serena giggles and pulls Georgina forward.
(And it's funny, because Georgina doesn't grow up abused or hurt or neglected; she grows up loved, protected, and looked after, but this is the first time that she feels chosen.)
Now here's a bit of foreshadowing. (She rolls her kohl covered eyes because ain't English a bitch? Except for that one time with the Professor during her foray into higher education to mess with Blair, Georgina's always found English to be so dull.) But here's the foreshadowing anyway, because she doesn't have something better to do right now (and she really wants this story told, but whatever, get over yourself, okay?):
They're twelve, and watching Thirteen when things finally shift into place.
The three girls, two brunettes and a blonde, are sprawled on Blair Waldorf's bed, the lace canopy pushed aside by fashion magazines and newly bought high heels.
"Don't you think that'd be fun?" Serena turns towards the other two girls, blue eyes sparkling beautifully with something dangerous. The corners of her lips twist upward in a smile but the painted shade of ruby red (lipstick, Serena had told her gleefully, that had been pilfered from Lilly when she wasn't looking) makes the smile look menacing.
"Well," Georgina begins, but Blair cuts her off and Georgina digs her nails, now chewed short because Blair had told everyone that claws were out, into the silk duvet.
The girl opens her mouth, which is cherry red naturally, into a wide 'o' shape. "The partying? Serena," she over enunciates her best friend's name, "a girl almost dies in the end."
Serena smiles and giggles, but lowers her eyes. "Don't be such a prude, Blair."
"Yeah B," Georgina mimics, making Serena's term of affection sound like a dirty word. There are a million things that brim on her tongue (why don't you try and remove that stick up your ass; that is if Mommy leash extends that far of course) but at Serena's sharp look they shrivel up and fall back into the caverns of her mouth.
(And, just so you know, for the record, it doesn't hurt anymore.)
"I think it seems fun," Georgina says; just once she'd like to be chosen again.
The blonde turns and smiles at her gratefully. And Georgina swears, though she doesn't know how much her word is worth these days, that if she had just listened closely enough, she would have been able to hear a faint click as the universe rearranged itself into place.
(Once, in what feels like a million light-years ago, Serena had grabbed Georgina's hand and chosen her; Blair Waldorf had never forgiven her for that.
And here's a secret that nobody can know: Georgina understands.)
Serena likes to call her Svetlana.
They go out one night and get completely hammered (what else is new?) and Serena's eyes light up, shinning blue in that dangerous way that Georgina no longer runs from. She declares that she has a beyond brilliant idea.
"It's not just brilliant G," she sticks out her pink lips, now devoid of lip gloss, "it's beyond brilliant." Serena giggles, throws back another martini to mask the unfunny joke, so Georgina giggles too.
"We should totally pretend to be foreigners and get those guys to buy drinks for us."
Georgina shakes her head, hesitates for a moment, and thinks 'is this really what I want to do?' (Is this really who I want to be?) It's not a long pause; she's always known the answer.
"Let's go home and watch a movie instead."
Serena takes Georgina's hand and weaves it into her hair. It feels like gold silk and for a moment Georgina is mesmerized.
"Don't be a party pooper Svetlana." The name rolls off of Serena's tongue and she immediately loves it. It odd really; the name doesn't fit perfectly, sticking up weirdly in corners and too tight in other places, but when Serena says it, it sounds like a promise.
(She's never been able to catch up to Serena, but Svetlana races ahead, dragging Georgina forward.)
That night Georgina goes home and repeats it, Svetlana, Svetlana, Svetlana, until it sounds right.
She's twelve when she fucks Chuck Bass.
After it happens he goes around talking about sex and Georgina's non-existent boobs and not at all about how it was his first time or how his hands trembled as he fumbled with the condom packet.
(It's not epic.
She feels like maybe this is something that she should say in case people have this mistaken notion that she went around stalking Chuck Bass and believing in shit like true love-like she would stalk just anyone.
They do it at one of Carter Baizen's parties in a closet and the whole time, which means all of the two minutes, there's the faint smell of footwear lingering in the background.
But afterwards there is a moment.
Chuck's half naked body is slumped on top of hers and they just sit there, quiet, as the gravity of the situation strikes the both of them. Then he turns his dark brown eyes toward her and Chuck looks at her kind of like he loves her, his pupils expanding and his expression melting, and she thinks that maybe she should tell him that this is her first time too. Like maybe, just maybe, if she says this to him then it'll turn what they did from fucking into something else entirely and maybe they'll get to .
Then Chuck Bass gets up and pulls on his pants and the words die on her tongue.
Two days later, when Serena asks how it was Georgina grimaces; says that there's not much to tell.
See? Not Epic.)
By next Tuesday, he's already fucking Amber Delaney, who's in the ninth grade and apparently a way better lay.
They kiss once (and yes, she knows, it's such a teen movie cliché, something to get ratings up and show in the promos to hide the lack of an actual plot).
It's slobbery but not nearly as bad as some of the ones they've had when picking men up at the bar.
(Serena has her arm around Georgina's neck and the two stumble into her bedroom. Amidst giggles and too-loud shushes, Serena loops her arms around Georgina's neck and pulls her in.
Afterwards, Serena lays her head down onto Georgina's lap.
"I love you G," she mumbles into Georgina's thigh.
There's a thousand signs that point to the opposite, not to mention a million ways in which their relationship is unbalanced, but there's something Serena in her declaration-something magical and elusive and disorienting like cherry lip balm.)
They kiss once and yes, she knows, it's a cliché, but it feels like love.
(And here's the bit that no one knows.
One night, two weeks after a huge fight Georgina lies in her bed, trying to find a pattern in her ceiling. Georgina hasn't talked to Serena since, and she tries not to feel relief.
The light pitter-patter of feet hitting their marbled floor is heard and Georgina knows even before she turns around who's coming her way. Silently, a warm body slides besides her and weaves its fingers through her hair.
"I can't hang out with you anymore," Georgina mumbles into the pillow, and it hurts, it completely fucking hurts, because this is her best friend and she loves her and she doesn't know what she'll do without her and Serena's her everything so who will she be without her, but her body sags, hits the bed in a comfortable position, because it's the first decision she's made for herself in a long time.
Silently, the other girl begins shaking and Georgina can feel a warm wetness spread on her neck.
"Serena?"
"My dad."
Georgina finally turns around to face her. It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay she croons, one after another, trying to protect her in the way that Blair and Chuck and Nate did.
"Do you want me to call Blair?"
The other girl just shakes her head, intertwines their fingers, and whispers instead, "Make me forget."
She knows that Serena's eyes are shinning with tears but from her position for a second it seems like her eyes are glinting with something sinister.
"Please," she pleads, now dragging her towards the door by both hands.
Mutely, Georgina nods and allows herself to be pulled under.)
"Who are you?" Carrie looks at Georgina but the fear in her mother's eyes tells her that all she can see now is Svetlana.
It's like she's rescinded every single lullaby and bed time story.
(That's how Mannie the Muskerat learned how that she had to share all her nuts with her friends. And they all lived happily ever after.)
And all that's left is nothing.
Nothing.
Sometimes Georgina likes to joke that that is the day she lost her soul.
And it's funny. Really, it is.
If she ever reaches out to Blair (and don't worry, the apocalypse will come before that happens) there is one thing that Georgina knows the other brunette will be able to understand:
When Serena falls it's beautiful.
Angels weep and Mother Nature cries. Blair goes crazy, hopping from one club to another trying to a blonde head shinier than the rest; Chuck grows up, hand reached out defensively to ward off the common folk as he buys one bag of bagels after the other; Nate is strong, his arms reaching out and capturing his broken doll to bring her back home. There's this whole production, and none of them consider maybe it was already predetermined that their precious Serena, everyone but Georgina's precious Serena, of the gold-spun hair, twinkling laugh, and endless enthusiasm, would end up nothing but an Upper East Side tragedy.
When Georgina falls it's not.
There is yelling; the thick walls of her room are not enough to contain her mother's screams and by the way the slap stings on her face, Georgina knows that she'll have to carry it around forever. And when she goes out partying with Serena, she wakes up on Blair's couch, vomit and a cosmopolitan still mingling in her hair.
"You shouldn't take Serena to those places anymore," Blair always tells her.
But she can never quite meet her eyes because neither really believes the lie.)
Georgina tries to kill herself once, the bright red blood oozing from her wrists and staining the bathtub red; Svetlana just watches, perches daintily on the toilet and wrinkles her nose in disgust wondering how someone could be so weak.
Don't worry; this story is even shorter than Lindsay Lohan's pants:
Georgina fails and Svetlana rolls her eyes, I told you so.
Serena looks at her in horror and, for the first time since everything started, Georgina can feel her blood boil.
"What the hell, G?" She screeches, whipping around so fast that her long blonde mane slaps Georgina in the face. "Why are you acting so fucking crazy?"
Serena's blue eyes are stretched wide with indignation and self-righteousness and sobriety. Georgina's hands tingle with need to scratch out the two pretty blue things, and all she can think is you hypocrite, you hypocrite, you fucking hypocrite. Over and over again the thoughts fly through Georgina's head while Serena's face gets increasingly red as she screams.
Finally, she throws her Cosmo-stained hands up in the air, "What is wrong with you?" She says, as she whirls around and walks away with Blair, and all Georgina can do is stand there, hands still fisted at her side, because does she honestly not know?
You are.
They don't kill Pete.
Serena, ever the drama queen, weeps hysterically, with her hands flying everywhere, that they've committed murder. Georgina just rolls her eyes, because she knows it's not true.
But okay, say that they did somehow force Pete to take that one line of cocaine that only resulted in his death because of his long-standing drug habit that, for the purpose of this exercise, they also drove him to and ended up somehow killing the worthless boy. Was it really that bad? People would kill to be Serena Van der Woodsen; Georgina Sparks would kill to stay with her.
Really, what's so wrong about that?
Serena calls herself "new" and Georgina resists the urge to roll her eyes so hard that her eyeballs fly out of her eye sockets because really, could you get any more Spanish soap opera than that? Throw in a few holas and ustedes and next thing you know Serena will start lamenting about how her boyfriend ran off with Margarita,the Columbian hussy from next door.
"I'm different now G," Serena says. What she means is better.
"I can't hang out with you anymore." And yes, okay, there's a moment of blink-and-you'll-miss-it panic but then it's gone and Georgina feels safe again, because Svetlana's there, whispering in the background that people can't change.
Georgina knows that there's a line.
Most people assume that she must be socially handicapped and can't see it, or must not care if she does, but it isn't like that really. It's not that she isn't aware of the line; it's that it's too late, so she laughs and dances across it, leaving everything to burn in her wake.
She tells Dan that she's Sarah, and the story burns like a wish on her tongue.
He looks at her with stars in his eyes as she tells him about her mother and father and her dog and her perfect grades and how she wants to be a doctor when she grows up so that she can save people and her old friends call her once a week ever since she moved away. She shuts herself up before it can feel a little bit too real.
"You're amazing," he whispers, his face close to hers as he reaches for the rented pet, and she tries her hardest not to want.
After that she calls Serena.
Hey S, it's Georgie, guess who I just hung out with?
(And let's not pretend, okay? Roofies are the oldest trick in the book. There's no way that Serena didn't know. But she drank it anyway, because she owed her this much at least.
More, Svetlana whispers, and it's the only thing that the two girls agree on.)
Some clarification: Georgina Sparks is not a victim.
She wants to make this perfectly clear; this thing, whatever it is, with Chuck, and Nate, and Blair, and Serena isn't about revenge. She's not getting anyone back and she doesn't hold anyone responsible for what she's become, and it's not a sin-of-the-father type of thing either, in case anyone was wondering.
It's just even now, when she snorts a line of cocaine or sticks her tongue down a stranger's mouth, sometimes it'll taste like it wasn't supposed to be me and how did it turn out like this?
Regret, Georgina learns, is not bittersweet but burns like tequila down her throat, setting her body on fire.
"Leave me alone, G."
"If you didn't want me to act like this, then you shouldn't have made it so that you're all I have."
If you really want the truth, which, let's face it, most people don't, then here it is.
Once upon a time, in two kingdoms far away from each other, two little girls were born.
They don't live happily ever after.
The end.
Off with your head.
Dance till you're dead.
Heads will roll, heads will roll.