But thy eternal summer shall not fade.
"When you came into my life, I’m not gonna lie, I was in a weird state of mind. As you always like to bring up via one of my previous blog posts about not having been in love before, prior to exchange I was convinced that I was content with being single. And just when I came to terms with it, you showed up. It was really as if the universe was testing me and I failed that test. So when you offered me what you had in terms of a kind of companionship that was so new to me, I took it. Like a kid who finally got what she wanted for Christmas, I took the bait and was so excited. When it was all first started happening, there was a little part in my brain that was screaming at me. Warning me not to do it, that everything was a bad idea. And while in retrospect, I guess it was a bad idea, I don’t regret it. I really don’t. In the short span of a month, you have taught me so much about people and relationships with others. Not just in the sense of a romantic relationship, but that of friendship too.
Okay now for the tough bits. Some answers to the questions that you once asked.
You had always asked me why I could never tell you “I love you”. And as I’ve said time and time again, it’s because I don’t. And this time, I’m sure of it. I don’t love you. What we had can’t be love. The spring fling, summer fantasy of a romance that we had, simply can’t be love. I think people our age throw the notion of “love” around way too easily. To really love someone, it takes a lot. To actually devote not just time and effort, but also to be willing to put oneself through pain for someone else. I will stand by what I said. I will only love you, when I want to do long distance. And the truth of the matter is that every time I would even consider doing Long distance, my answer would always be a resounding, Simon-Cowell-esque “it’s a no for me”.
Perhaps it was the exchange mindset that I had. You know, like everything didn’t really have a consequence because I was only there for 5 months and that caused me to not take whatever we had seriously. That was my fault, I completely admit to it. But I have no idea why it had to take me not being by your side to see that clearly. When we were together, I’m not gonna lie, I really thought I loved you. But now I realise that I was never in love with you. I was in love with the idea of you. That perhaps you were the Prince Charming of my dreams, “the one” I would spend the rest of my life with, but honestly, all you were was just a shell of a man I tried to fit into my fantasies. But as we’ve both realised, it didn’t work.
And I honestly don’t think it was anyone’s fault. It was just unfortunate that we are who we are and placed in our current circumstance.
Sure it did work for a while. We were happy with our strange arrangement. And it’s true when I say I was happy. I really was. I enjoyed having your company. It was nice. You made me smile and laugh in more ways than one. All the good times we’ve shared will always remain good in my mind. They’re now part of a collection of memories that almost feel like a dream, just like the rest of exchange. Sometimes I truly wonder if it all actually happened, or if they were just figments of my imagination.
What I didn’t enjoy, was you acting as if you had me all figured out. And while on one hand, you did say some things that were fiercely accurate, but on the other, there were times when you would just assume things about me. And you would tell me that it was true and at times I would almost believe you. As if a person who has only known me for a few months would know me better than I knew myself. You were able to shake my certainty down to almost nothing and I believed what you had to say. It’s not your fault that happened. More of mine actually. If I had been more firm in my stance and my beliefs, I would not feel this way. You’ve taught me to trust myself more and to stand my ground even when it’s shaking.
Remember when I said “right person, wrong time”, well now I’ve realised it’s just “wrong person,”. Who are we trying to kid? We were not a good match from the get-go. As much as we’d like to believe it, we both know that what we had was going to be short-lived. Not there’s anything wrong with that, I’m actually glad we had whatever we had. It was good and it will always be a time of my life that I will look back at fondly. As I’ve said in a previous letter to you, I truly do care for you and I hope that we’ll be able to live amicably one day. I would never want to wish unhappiness on you. Ever. I’m sure that one day we will find our own happiness, just separate from each other.
I’ll always be grateful for you. You came into my life when I truly needed you most. You really have taught me so much and you’ve changed my perspective on love and dating. Though things have changed between us, I hope that it won’t change how you view love and friendships (especially this). One day, you’ll find the perfect girl for you and only she can treat you and love you the way you deserve to be treated and loved. And I’m really sorry but I’m just not that girl, no matter how hard I tried to be. You will always have a significant role in my life and even if we aren’t in contact in the future, trust when I say that you can always count on me to be a Friend. May we stop making bad decisions and learn from them if we do.
So TLDR: it’s not you, it’s me and thank you for everything."
--- from oh my crumpets
Okay now for the tough bits. Some answers to the questions that you once asked.
You had always asked me why I could never tell you “I love you”. And as I’ve said time and time again, it’s because I don’t. And this time, I’m sure of it. I don’t love you. What we had can’t be love. The spring fling, summer fantasy of a romance that we had, simply can’t be love. I think people our age throw the notion of “love” around way too easily. To really love someone, it takes a lot. To actually devote not just time and effort, but also to be willing to put oneself through pain for someone else. I will stand by what I said. I will only love you, when I want to do long distance. And the truth of the matter is that every time I would even consider doing Long distance, my answer would always be a resounding, Simon-Cowell-esque “it’s a no for me”.
Perhaps it was the exchange mindset that I had. You know, like everything didn’t really have a consequence because I was only there for 5 months and that caused me to not take whatever we had seriously. That was my fault, I completely admit to it. But I have no idea why it had to take me not being by your side to see that clearly. When we were together, I’m not gonna lie, I really thought I loved you. But now I realise that I was never in love with you. I was in love with the idea of you. That perhaps you were the Prince Charming of my dreams, “the one” I would spend the rest of my life with, but honestly, all you were was just a shell of a man I tried to fit into my fantasies. But as we’ve both realised, it didn’t work.
And I honestly don’t think it was anyone’s fault. It was just unfortunate that we are who we are and placed in our current circumstance.
Sure it did work for a while. We were happy with our strange arrangement. And it’s true when I say I was happy. I really was. I enjoyed having your company. It was nice. You made me smile and laugh in more ways than one. All the good times we’ve shared will always remain good in my mind. They’re now part of a collection of memories that almost feel like a dream, just like the rest of exchange. Sometimes I truly wonder if it all actually happened, or if they were just figments of my imagination.
What I didn’t enjoy, was you acting as if you had me all figured out. And while on one hand, you did say some things that were fiercely accurate, but on the other, there were times when you would just assume things about me. And you would tell me that it was true and at times I would almost believe you. As if a person who has only known me for a few months would know me better than I knew myself. You were able to shake my certainty down to almost nothing and I believed what you had to say. It’s not your fault that happened. More of mine actually. If I had been more firm in my stance and my beliefs, I would not feel this way. You’ve taught me to trust myself more and to stand my ground even when it’s shaking.
Remember when I said “right person, wrong time”, well now I’ve realised it’s just “wrong person,”. Who are we trying to kid? We were not a good match from the get-go. As much as we’d like to believe it, we both know that what we had was going to be short-lived. Not there’s anything wrong with that, I’m actually glad we had whatever we had. It was good and it will always be a time of my life that I will look back at fondly. As I’ve said in a previous letter to you, I truly do care for you and I hope that we’ll be able to live amicably one day. I would never want to wish unhappiness on you. Ever. I’m sure that one day we will find our own happiness, just separate from each other.
I’ll always be grateful for you. You came into my life when I truly needed you most. You really have taught me so much and you’ve changed my perspective on love and dating. Though things have changed between us, I hope that it won’t change how you view love and friendships (especially this). One day, you’ll find the perfect girl for you and only she can treat you and love you the way you deserve to be treated and loved. And I’m really sorry but I’m just not that girl, no matter how hard I tried to be. You will always have a significant role in my life and even if we aren’t in contact in the future, trust when I say that you can always count on me to be a Friend. May we stop making bad decisions and learn from them if we do.
So TLDR: it’s not you, it’s me and thank you for everything."
--- from oh my crumpets