(no subject)
I keep taking one step forward and two steps back. I'm calling the psychiatrist today. I cried for 3 hours last night. I can't give up though. I dont know how Im going to make it. It's all i can do to keep from breaking down at work and crying. I'm a wreck. Theres something deeply wrong with me and it scares and confuses me that I cannot seem to fix it. I see I shouldn't be sad. I have a lot going for me, but all I can think about when I close my eyes is everything negative that's happened. I'm holding myself back. I don't know how to fight it. I've tried what people have told me. I've tried to ignore it, tried to shove it inside, tried to overpower it with anger, with happiness, but nothing works. I'm almost sure now that outside intervention is the only thing thats going to save my sanity. My sanity is the first of many self-inflicted wounds I must heal.
I'm so tired of negativity, I'm so tired of having to watch what i say when I'm with different people. There are multiple Derricks and I did it to myself. I dont really know who the real me is anymore, but I have a crystal clear image of who I want to be. This is the only thing keeping me going right now. I feel bad talking to the only two people I can talk to because I unload all my problems on them and I dont want to drag anyone else in. Talking helps me feel better for a while. I keep having horrid near-dreams as I'm drifting off to sleep. Worst case scenarios every night. I dont sleep much because I'm either at Josh's or work (I sleep peacefully at Beths) and I dont even see my other friends. I'm sorry everyone, all I am is apologies right now.
I just tried calling the psychiatrist and the number my mom gave me doesnt work, all i get is three beeps. I cant take it anymore I'm broken down on my keyboard and I have 15 minutes to compose myself before my lunch is over. I dont want the world to see me broken. I hate all this self inflicted mellodrama, I dont want any of it!
I'm an athiest, but please... Pray for me if you pray, think of me... Something. I love you all so much, I'm so sorry
I'm so tired of negativity, I'm so tired of having to watch what i say when I'm with different people. There are multiple Derricks and I did it to myself. I dont really know who the real me is anymore, but I have a crystal clear image of who I want to be. This is the only thing keeping me going right now. I feel bad talking to the only two people I can talk to because I unload all my problems on them and I dont want to drag anyone else in. Talking helps me feel better for a while. I keep having horrid near-dreams as I'm drifting off to sleep. Worst case scenarios every night. I dont sleep much because I'm either at Josh's or work (I sleep peacefully at Beths) and I dont even see my other friends. I'm sorry everyone, all I am is apologies right now.
I just tried calling the psychiatrist and the number my mom gave me doesnt work, all i get is three beeps. I cant take it anymore I'm broken down on my keyboard and I have 15 minutes to compose myself before my lunch is over. I dont want the world to see me broken. I hate all this self inflicted mellodrama, I dont want any of it!
I'm an athiest, but please... Pray for me if you pray, think of me... Something. I love you all so much, I'm so sorry