remembering sarb.
it's so weird it feels like it was just yesterday she was straightening my hair for my grad pictures.
my mom worked with sarb.. and knew about all of her family difficulties. her parents wanted her to marry a man in india but she refused. her family practically disowned her.. and my mom offered for sarb to come live with us.
my parents had just recently seperated.. so it was myself, my mom, my little sister, and sarb. a house full of women!
it wasn't like sarb moved in and it was like she was an outsider.. we did everything together. we were like sisters. we would have food fights.. she would clean the house with us.. make dinner.. movies.. shopping. even her doctor told her she was looking better and happier.
so on dec. 20'03.. i remember waking up to someone closing the washroom door (the washroom was attatched to my room) then i remember 20mins. later my sister knocking on the door.. and sarb came out and she was like sorry i was in there so long. i don't know what she was doing in there.. but it's the first thing i remember of that day.
she was so excited to spend christmas with us. the night before she was dancing around in new pants and a hat she bought.. modelling it for us. and then showing my mom what she had bought my sister and i. asking my mom if we would like it.
either way.. that day we had to go to my dad's for a chanukah party.. my mom had gone to work already to work some christmas shifts. i was teaching singing at the music studio i work at.. so i didn't see her before i left.. she had been back in her room. then my sister forgot something at the house when my dad and her picked me up at work.. so we drove up to the house.. my sister saw sarb wrapping christmas presents.. and sarb said.. "did tovah go to work yet?" my sister told her that she and my dad had already picked me up and that we were going.. sarb said to my sister "okay then.. i'll see you tomorrow!"
but then.. my mom called my dad's place at 11pm.. and asked if we had known where sarb was.. well we had no idea. her car was parked in the driveway and my mom had checked everywhere to see even if she had bumped her head and couldn't answer. i told my mom to check in the garage and the backyard.. (why would sarb be in the backyard it was freezing. she hates the cold.) i told my mom to call me back after she had checked. she didnt call so i called her back.. she told me she had checked the garage.. but not the backyard. whatever.. it's cold and dark.. i probably wouldn't have checked either.
so my mom set her alarm for 8am.. because thats when sarb was supposed to leave for work. so my mom went to the front and saw her car still and got extremely worried. she then for some reason went to my bedroom and looked out the back window.. and saw sarb hanging from our tree in our backyard.
i got the call at 8:15. my dad charged into my room while i was sleeping and told me to get ready "we're going back to your house right now!" i had no idea.. it was so early. so i started to get changed.. then my dad came back in and said "okay i don't think i'm going to take you." and i said "what's wrong?" he then preceeded to tell me sarb had hurt herself.. i'm sure it would have been hard for him to just come out and say it.. so that's how he started the worst conversation of my life.
i asked him.. "but she's okay right?".. expecting to get a good answer.. nothing like this could EVER happen to me. he held me and said no. i think i went blank for a bit.. well what happened.. i was confused. and then i asked if she commited suicide (i could not even believe those 2 words came out of my mouth.) he then preceeded to hold me closer.
i swear.. the worst feeling in my life was finding out. at first i said nothing. and then i fell to the floor and started screaming and crying as loud as i could.. then i would calm down sit straight and think of her.. then freak out again and try to escape my dad's grip.
then my sister came in.. wanting to know what was wrong. so i told her while i was scraping at her arm.
i stayed at other people's houses for a week.. we spent christmas at my older sister's. i couldn't stand living there.. i eventually moved out to live with my dad. and it's been better here. my sister and mom moved out of that house also into a new one. it's probably healthier for them also.
attatched i will post some pictures..
thank you for letting me get it all out again. it's good not to bury these things under new pain.. or so i'm told.
2 of sarb below..
this is a picture of my sister and i.. the first time we went out in the backyard since it happen.. it had some kind of release to be able to go out and do this. my bestfriend took this of us.
<3