Beijing Cocktail, you say?
I'd like to begin this entry with an open letter to Ms. Beyoncé Knowles.
Dear Ms. Knowles:
"B-Day" is pronounced "bee day." "B'Day" is pronounced "bidet."
That is all.
Sincerely,
Me
Ms. Knowles' album is one of the first big arts events of the fall. Which means that August is fully behind us, along with August's crop of let's-dump-these-before-Oscar-season movies. And, though they're notoriously awful, I managed to see a ton of August movies. I wonder if that says something about me.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby: B+
Not as good as Anchorman. Which means I only had mild stomach cramps afterward from laughing.
Little Miss Sunshine: A-
I fully admit that I'm predisposed to liking these sorts of movies (hence the Royal Tenenbaums obsession). I also concede that, at times, this can be a precious, cliché, and overdetermined brand of quirky. Still, all I needed was to hear Steve Carell said, "You took a vow of silence because of Friedrich Neitzche? Far out," and the movie had me.
Miami Vice: D
It's amazing. Michael Mann's meticulous vision and creative directing transforms present-day Miami into…the exact same gritty city location he used in Collateral. And Heat. And, come to think of it, the cops/robbers relationship is pretty similar to Heat, and the Jamie Foxx/crazy white guy partnership is recycled from Collateral. So basically, this movie is like a meal cobbled together from a week's worth of Mann leftovers. Boring and familiar. The only new ingredient is sexy, sexy Gong Li. Sure, her English was broken, Colin Farrell's accent was horrendous, and their dialogue was atrocious, but they managed to be the best part of the movie. (No, that is not a good thing.)
World Trade Center: C
I can see how this movie wanted so much to be uplifting and sensitive about national tragedies. I also want movies to be uplifting and sensitive about national tragedies. National tragedies are horrible things and shouldn't be trifled with. But, if I'm completely honest with myself, I secretly crave a crazy, offensive, revisionist Oliver Stone national-tragedy movie-like the Nixon of 9/11. And I know he has it in him. It's not the right time-it may never be the right time-so Olly Stone and I sat down and endured this wholly polite, utterly boring conversation until we know each other enough to let our true feelings out.
Pulse: D
Okay, Japan. Fool me once with The Grudge, shame on you. Fool me twice with The-Grudge-in-a-cell-phone, shame on me. I'm not taking any more of your bullshit horror-movie crap. I don't care how many stars from my favorite TV shows you cram into it.
John Tucker Must Die: B
You know who my favorite character in this kind of movie is? The teenager who is immediately distinguished as being extraordinary and appealing based on his seemingly offbeat-but actually mainstream-taste in music. Jesse Bradford liked The Clash in Bring It On? He's a keeper. (I must say, I did laugh out loud when the bad boyfriend in Bring It On had a Sugar Ray poster in his dorm room.) They're not really trying so hard anymore, though. While Natalie Portman was rocking out to The Shins in Garden State, the dude in John Tucker Must Die was merly grooving to…Cheap Trick? Still, I love how big, noise-cancelling headphones is teenspeak for true love forever.
Snakes on a Plane: B…
…as in "The most perfect, best-you-could-ask-for, YouTube-influenced B-movie comma ever."
Half Nelson: B-
I'll be the first to admit that I just don't get it. I thought the idea was sort of interesting, but the movie was meandering and ultimately pointless. One or two well-realized characters or good performances does not equal a movie. Ryan Gosling reminds me of Mandy Moore in that, while I think they're both intensely likeable, I've yet to see either of them in a movie I truly like. He doesn't need me though, since McAdams loves Gosling.
Material Girls: D
I'd fail it if I didn't like Lucas Haas so much. Oh, The Pin, how you've fallen!
Step Up: C-
Step Up, I've seen Strictly Ballroom. I know Strictly Ballroom. Strictly Ballroom was a favorite of mine. Step Up, you are no Strictly Ballroom. (Or even a Dirty Dancing, for that matter.)
Beerfest: B+
A lot of this movie was blatantly courting frat-boy types, and it's nowhere near as good as Super Troopers, but the Broken Lizard boys are good times. Even Club Dread had its moments. They're the type of people who know that Will Forte shouting threats in German while wearing lederhosen is just funny.
Idlewild: B+
This has been the biggest disappointment of my whole year. Idelwild has three basic elements: OutKast, a '30s-speakeasy-gangster sensibility, and a musical. By all accounts, this should be awesome. Yet, even though it's stylishly directed, they manage to screw all three up. First, they have OutKast, but they don't play to their strengths Example: Benjamin Andre 3000 is supposed to be the shy, reserved one and he spends most of the movie scowling silently. Not fun. Have they seen some of the outfits he wears? Have they seen him dance? He should not be a reserved character. The '30s gangster thing is fun, but the story and characters are a little stock. It's not the biggest loss in the world, but it doesn't help. The screwing up the musical part is the biggest insult. Most of the songs are from Speakerboxx/The Love Below. Why put out a whole Idlewild album if you're not going to use those songs? Then, over the end credits, they have a really awesome, new, gregarious, period-sounding song with a whole dance routine that's pretty amazing. There was no reason for the rest of the movie to be so flat, stock, and old! I'd rather re-watch the "Hey Ya" video over and over-which I have been known to do.
Crank: A-
Usually I don't point this out because it goes without saying, but I saw this movie stone cold sober. And it was amazing. I love action movies that aren't afraid to be a little silly. And I love movies that are willing to utterly humiliate Amy Smart even more.
The Wicker Man: D
The only redeeming part of this movie-the eensy, weensy part that makes it not a 100 percent total waste-is when Nicolas Cage somehow sees fit to karate-chop Leelee Sobieski. Picture that in your mind. It makes you chuckle, right? I just saved you from seeing the movie.
The Illusionist: B
It's good for a period movie, and it has strong performances from Ed Norton, Paul Giamatti, and even Jessica Biel. But for a movie about magicians, it doesn't have any tricks I haven't seen before.
ETA: Whoops! I saw those last three movies in September, not August. I guess I equate "Cleveland" with "August," even though that's mostly untrue. I guess it's my personal bias against the month of September.
Dear Ms. Knowles:
"B-Day" is pronounced "bee day." "B'Day" is pronounced "bidet."
That is all.
Sincerely,
Me
Ms. Knowles' album is one of the first big arts events of the fall. Which means that August is fully behind us, along with August's crop of let's-dump-these-before-Oscar-season movies. And, though they're notoriously awful, I managed to see a ton of August movies. I wonder if that says something about me.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby: B+
Not as good as Anchorman. Which means I only had mild stomach cramps afterward from laughing.
Little Miss Sunshine: A-
I fully admit that I'm predisposed to liking these sorts of movies (hence the Royal Tenenbaums obsession). I also concede that, at times, this can be a precious, cliché, and overdetermined brand of quirky. Still, all I needed was to hear Steve Carell said, "You took a vow of silence because of Friedrich Neitzche? Far out," and the movie had me.
Miami Vice: D
It's amazing. Michael Mann's meticulous vision and creative directing transforms present-day Miami into…the exact same gritty city location he used in Collateral. And Heat. And, come to think of it, the cops/robbers relationship is pretty similar to Heat, and the Jamie Foxx/crazy white guy partnership is recycled from Collateral. So basically, this movie is like a meal cobbled together from a week's worth of Mann leftovers. Boring and familiar. The only new ingredient is sexy, sexy Gong Li. Sure, her English was broken, Colin Farrell's accent was horrendous, and their dialogue was atrocious, but they managed to be the best part of the movie. (No, that is not a good thing.)
World Trade Center: C
I can see how this movie wanted so much to be uplifting and sensitive about national tragedies. I also want movies to be uplifting and sensitive about national tragedies. National tragedies are horrible things and shouldn't be trifled with. But, if I'm completely honest with myself, I secretly crave a crazy, offensive, revisionist Oliver Stone national-tragedy movie-like the Nixon of 9/11. And I know he has it in him. It's not the right time-it may never be the right time-so Olly Stone and I sat down and endured this wholly polite, utterly boring conversation until we know each other enough to let our true feelings out.
Pulse: D
Okay, Japan. Fool me once with The Grudge, shame on you. Fool me twice with The-Grudge-in-a-cell-phone, shame on me. I'm not taking any more of your bullshit horror-movie crap. I don't care how many stars from my favorite TV shows you cram into it.
John Tucker Must Die: B
You know who my favorite character in this kind of movie is? The teenager who is immediately distinguished as being extraordinary and appealing based on his seemingly offbeat-but actually mainstream-taste in music. Jesse Bradford liked The Clash in Bring It On? He's a keeper. (I must say, I did laugh out loud when the bad boyfriend in Bring It On had a Sugar Ray poster in his dorm room.) They're not really trying so hard anymore, though. While Natalie Portman was rocking out to The Shins in Garden State, the dude in John Tucker Must Die was merly grooving to…Cheap Trick? Still, I love how big, noise-cancelling headphones is teenspeak for true love forever.
Snakes on a Plane: B…
…as in "The most perfect, best-you-could-ask-for, YouTube-influenced B-movie comma ever."
Half Nelson: B-
I'll be the first to admit that I just don't get it. I thought the idea was sort of interesting, but the movie was meandering and ultimately pointless. One or two well-realized characters or good performances does not equal a movie. Ryan Gosling reminds me of Mandy Moore in that, while I think they're both intensely likeable, I've yet to see either of them in a movie I truly like. He doesn't need me though, since McAdams loves Gosling.
Material Girls: D
I'd fail it if I didn't like Lucas Haas so much. Oh, The Pin, how you've fallen!
Step Up: C-
Step Up, I've seen Strictly Ballroom. I know Strictly Ballroom. Strictly Ballroom was a favorite of mine. Step Up, you are no Strictly Ballroom. (Or even a Dirty Dancing, for that matter.)
Beerfest: B+
A lot of this movie was blatantly courting frat-boy types, and it's nowhere near as good as Super Troopers, but the Broken Lizard boys are good times. Even Club Dread had its moments. They're the type of people who know that Will Forte shouting threats in German while wearing lederhosen is just funny.
Idlewild: B+
This has been the biggest disappointment of my whole year. Idelwild has three basic elements: OutKast, a '30s-speakeasy-gangster sensibility, and a musical. By all accounts, this should be awesome. Yet, even though it's stylishly directed, they manage to screw all three up. First, they have OutKast, but they don't play to their strengths Example: Benjamin Andre 3000 is supposed to be the shy, reserved one and he spends most of the movie scowling silently. Not fun. Have they seen some of the outfits he wears? Have they seen him dance? He should not be a reserved character. The '30s gangster thing is fun, but the story and characters are a little stock. It's not the biggest loss in the world, but it doesn't help. The screwing up the musical part is the biggest insult. Most of the songs are from Speakerboxx/The Love Below. Why put out a whole Idlewild album if you're not going to use those songs? Then, over the end credits, they have a really awesome, new, gregarious, period-sounding song with a whole dance routine that's pretty amazing. There was no reason for the rest of the movie to be so flat, stock, and old! I'd rather re-watch the "Hey Ya" video over and over-which I have been known to do.
Crank: A-
Usually I don't point this out because it goes without saying, but I saw this movie stone cold sober. And it was amazing. I love action movies that aren't afraid to be a little silly. And I love movies that are willing to utterly humiliate Amy Smart even more.
The Wicker Man: D
The only redeeming part of this movie-the eensy, weensy part that makes it not a 100 percent total waste-is when Nicolas Cage somehow sees fit to karate-chop Leelee Sobieski. Picture that in your mind. It makes you chuckle, right? I just saved you from seeing the movie.
The Illusionist: B
It's good for a period movie, and it has strong performances from Ed Norton, Paul Giamatti, and even Jessica Biel. But for a movie about magicians, it doesn't have any tricks I haven't seen before.
ETA: Whoops! I saw those last three movies in September, not August. I guess I equate "Cleveland" with "August," even though that's mostly untrue. I guess it's my personal bias against the month of September.