I'm a posting *machine* this week.
So another set of bogus college lists came out. I must say, the Princeton Review put together a bunch of Top 20s that rival Spin in the "WTF?" factor. I searched for Wesleyan among all their lists, and here's where we turned up:
#8: Best College Theatre
That's funny, since at Wesleyan, students weren't even allowed to use the main theater!
#1 in that category: Wagner College
I'd be skeptical, but this is awesome because this college is on Staten Island. I think my sister even went to Wagner College pre-school. She majored in theater! Finally, Staten Island is known for something--something other than the dump, I mean.
#12: Reefer Madness
We would have been higher on this list…but we got high.
#1 in that category: Hampshire
Well, if the shoe fits--smoke it.
#13: Gay Community Accepted
Yeah, the gay community is accepted, but only if its average SAT score is above 1400.
#1 in that category: New College of Florida
Yes, Florida. Apparently the gay capital of the world.
#13: Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians
And submit to the Caucasian-controlled hegemony of the Birkenstock corporation? I think not.
#1 in that category: Hampshire
I would think the cloves would take precious lung-space away from the pot, but that's just me.
#15: Most Politically Active
We're not gonna protest! We're not gonna protest!
#1 in that category: New College of Florida
Yes, Florida. Not only the gay capital of the world, but a bastion for political activism. Just forget that whole stolen 2000 election thing and enjoy the early bird special.
#15: Students Ignore God On A Regular Basis
Hello, television? It's me, Wesleyan.
#1 in that category: Reed College
God keeps trying to tell them to clean up the common room, but they won't listen.
#15: Students most Nostalgic For Bill Clinton
Obviously, the Princeton Review didn't attend our Goodbye-to-Bill-Clinton cigar party. We were nostalgic for him before he even left!
#1 in that category: Mills College
They best be walking around with berets and blue dresses, or they should get off the list.
So, after all of that, we've made it into a few Top 20s, one Top 10, and we're #1 at nothing? This has got to change. Either we start a letter-writing campaign to the Princeton Review in favor of adding a list for "Best Wesleyan" (suck it, Ohio Wesleyan), or we should put all of our efforts into one of these categories. I propose that from now on, every accepted student should be sent a pair of Birkenstocks and a pack of cloves--and a little weed for good measure. Orientation meals should be solely vegetarian (instead of…never vegetarian), and ice-breaking workshops could be held on how to hug trees properly without damaging the bark. Prosthetic tree-hugging devices should be rigged for those with no arms, because I'm sick of Wesleyan not being ADA compliant, dammit. Who's with me? Hampshire, watch out. We're coming after you.
#8: Best College Theatre
That's funny, since at Wesleyan, students weren't even allowed to use the main theater!
#1 in that category: Wagner College
I'd be skeptical, but this is awesome because this college is on Staten Island. I think my sister even went to Wagner College pre-school. She majored in theater! Finally, Staten Island is known for something--something other than the dump, I mean.
#12: Reefer Madness
We would have been higher on this list…but we got high.
#1 in that category: Hampshire
Well, if the shoe fits--smoke it.
#13: Gay Community Accepted
Yeah, the gay community is accepted, but only if its average SAT score is above 1400.
#1 in that category: New College of Florida
Yes, Florida. Apparently the gay capital of the world.
#13: Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians
And submit to the Caucasian-controlled hegemony of the Birkenstock corporation? I think not.
#1 in that category: Hampshire
I would think the cloves would take precious lung-space away from the pot, but that's just me.
#15: Most Politically Active
We're not gonna protest! We're not gonna protest!
#1 in that category: New College of Florida
Yes, Florida. Not only the gay capital of the world, but a bastion for political activism. Just forget that whole stolen 2000 election thing and enjoy the early bird special.
#15: Students Ignore God On A Regular Basis
Hello, television? It's me, Wesleyan.
#1 in that category: Reed College
God keeps trying to tell them to clean up the common room, but they won't listen.
#15: Students most Nostalgic For Bill Clinton
Obviously, the Princeton Review didn't attend our Goodbye-to-Bill-Clinton cigar party. We were nostalgic for him before he even left!
#1 in that category: Mills College
They best be walking around with berets and blue dresses, or they should get off the list.
So, after all of that, we've made it into a few Top 20s, one Top 10, and we're #1 at nothing? This has got to change. Either we start a letter-writing campaign to the Princeton Review in favor of adding a list for "Best Wesleyan" (suck it, Ohio Wesleyan), or we should put all of our efforts into one of these categories. I propose that from now on, every accepted student should be sent a pair of Birkenstocks and a pack of cloves--and a little weed for good measure. Orientation meals should be solely vegetarian (instead of…never vegetarian), and ice-breaking workshops could be held on how to hug trees properly without damaging the bark. Prosthetic tree-hugging devices should be rigged for those with no arms, because I'm sick of Wesleyan not being ADA compliant, dammit. Who's with me? Hampshire, watch out. We're coming after you.