Gonna button my lips so the truth don't slip.
I found out last week that mom my lies about my age. She tells people that I'm 21. I also found out that my sister lies to people about my age. She claims to be my younger sister and says I'm 29. The two of them need to get their stories straight if we ever go out together.
Anyway, my possibly older, possibly younger sister just came back from a three-week, hit-every-country tour of Europe. Here's what she brought back for me and Jesse (totally not in the right order):
From Iceland:
-a tiny Viking with a black beard (for me)
-a tiny Viking with a red beard (for Jesse)
From either Denmark or Germany:
-kinder eggs! (not photographed because, well, we wanted the toy inside)
From Amsterdam:
-a magnet of little wooden shoes
From Brussels:
-a tiny replica of a little man who pees in a fountain
From Paris:
-a statue of a giraffe in the shape of an Eiffel tower
From Switzerland:
-Swiss chocolate
From Italy:
-a sparkly magnet of the "Birth of Venus" (to match my mousepad)
-a tiny Pinocchio
Norway was the Big Score, because she had foreign money she needed to get rid of:
-a "The Scream" mousepad
-a "The Scream" tiny pocket book
-a magnet of another Munch painting
Chocolate, giraffes, and Vikings? She knows me so well.
And, while she was traveling the world, I was home watching some movies.
Knocked Up: A-
Yeah, you've seen this story a million times before. Girl walks in to immature boy's life and gives him the tools he needs to grow up and become a man. (For an interesting article about this genre of movie-and why slackers are always men-see this Slate article.) Knocked Up is a cut above, because the women get to be at least a little bit funny in their own right, and not just the wish-fulfillment plot device by which the men get to become grownups. Still, it's the Freaks & Geeks/Undeclared crew that still does most of the hard work. I think it's awesome that those shows were cancelled really quickly, and they all turned around and said, "Fine, we'll make more money doing hugely successful movies instead." And they did.
Mr. Brooks: B-
I don't know what to say about this movie. It was wildly uneven (especially the Demi Moore parts-it was like she was acting in this separate police B-movie), but it kept my interest and I love anything that has Badass William Hurt. Big spoilers: I can say with fair certainty that it's the best thing Dane Cook has ever done. Maybe it's because he gets killed in it.
Hot Fuzz: B+
I liked Shaun of the Dead better only because Simon Pegg's character is supposed to be a hard-ass straight-arrow through the beginning of the movie, and that's not as funny as a slacker dude who doesn't notice the zombies in his neighborhood. That doesn't really matter, though. It's still hilarious-especially if you've seen Point Break.
Ocean's 13: B
On one level, all the Ocean's movies make me happy. They're glitzy and fun and have big stars who are obviously having a grand ol' time. It's like when you see someone who has a gigantic grin on their face, and you can't help but just smile back. On another level, all the Ocean's movies make me feel stupid. I'm always a step behind the Grand Plan-I don't think I figure out some of the cons until after the villains do. Between that and Pirates II, I think I'm becoming dull in my old age. *Sits and reads copies of Flowers for Algernon.*
Joshua: B+
This movie gave me nightmares and mosquito bites. It was the type of movie that while watching it, I couldn't really get a handle on what it was or where it was going, but afterward it gave me a lot to think about. I love it when that happens. Something else that I love: Vera Farmiga. She's amazing in The Departed ("You ahhh trouble."), she kicks ass as an Eastern European hooker in Breaking and Entering, and she gets knocked around a lot in this film-by an eight-year-old-and it doesn't seem silly. I predict bigger/better things for her. (I love Sam Rockwell, too, and he's in this movie, but I always talk about how much I love him.)
Hostel II: A-
I adore Eli Roth. I don't care if that makes me a frat boy or an Ain't-It-Cool Nerd or a creepy horror fan or like any of the other Eli Roth fans out there. I was afraid Hostel II would be unwatchable, falling into the sequel trap of trying out out-gross the first (gore-wise, not money-wise). Instead, there's actually less blood 'n' guts in Hostel II-though there were still parts that made the audience I was with scream-but more excitement, psychological insight, tension, and ass-kicking. Seriously, people stood up and clapped at certain parts. However, I watched this movie while my sister was on her tour of Europe, staying in different hostels she booked on the Internet. I wouldn't recommend seeing it while your loved ones are at the mercy of hostel owners.
Surf's Up: B-
The dude abides-actually, all the vocal performances were pretty good-and the mockumentary format was pretty novel. I guess I'm just sick of cartoon penguins. I wish Flushed Away made more money.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: C
Listen, if my super-power were stretchiness, I wouldn't feel all that compelled to use it to fight crime. I mean, there's only so much you can do. Same with being big and rock-like. And, come to think of it, being able to set yourself on fire is probably more dangerous than helpful. Maybe the Fantastic Four should really start looking into other careers-staging stunt spectaculars, perhaps. Their movie heroism isn't really doing anyone any good.
Nancy Drew: B+
This movie is great. Reasons why can be found in Jesse's review. There isn't anything else to say that wouldn't devolve into me saying,
"No, really," "No, I swear," "Trust me," and "Best teen-oriented movie since Josie and the Pussycats." No, really.
Sicko: A
This movie managed to bring up every insecurity I have about my future-and I have health insurance! My initial reaction was to barricade myself inside the apartment and never leave again for fear of going bankrupt one way or another. I know Michael Moore is a divisive figure and even those who share his politics manage to hate him, but I've always been a fan. Sure, things are exaggerated, edited, stretched, or omitted. But I don't think it's his job to put forth flawless policy programs-how boring would that be? Instead, I think it is his job to get people thinking and talking and even arguing about certain ideas in an entertaining way, and he certainly accomplished that in Sicko. I like the big, cheesy stunts he pulls, no matter how unfair or inaccurate they are. I like it whenever someone asks, "Is that camera on?" and he says, "No," even when it's a lie. I even like it when he goes after CEOs, even though no one in their right mind would or should meet with him and even if they did it wouldn't do any good. He's not a politician, he's an entertainer, and taking 9/11 rescue workers to Guantanamo Bay because it's "the only place on U.S. soil with free, universal heath care," is just funny.
A Mighty Heart: B
It's a fun way to spend a summer afternoon. Wait, I meant to say it's not really a fun way to spend a summer afternoon. There's a growing genre that I'll call "imminent danger movies"-Jesse named United 93 as another example-where you know going into the movie that it's not going to turn out all right at the end. I think knowing the truth takes me out of the movie a little, since when they get a promising lead or find a new development, I don't share in the characters' excitement because I know what happens. So, as a movie, the experience is a little flat. As a story, A Mighty Heart is tragic and heartbreaking, and I like how the movie doesn't assign blame to anyone that doesn't deserve it.
1408: B
The woman waiting near me at the movie theater told me-unsolicited-that 1408 reminded her of a Twilight's Zone episode, and it's true, which is both good and bad. It's good because the Twilight's Zone is really creepy, but bad because I always thought they could tell their stories in 15 minutes but stretched the plots out to a half-hour. Both things are true for 1408, but it's certainly a journey of sight and sound.
Ratatouille: A
People break my heart. Why do you hate cartoon rats so much? Mickey Mouse is technically a rodent. Rizzo from the Muppets is a rodent. People like them. But when it comes to computer-animated rat movies, humans just don't bite. Ratatouille and Flushed Away were both amazing, but Flushed Away bombed and Ratatouiille had the softest opening of any Pixar movie since A Bug's Life (also terrific). What's up with that? The Pixar movies can summon more emotion with one facial expression (namely, Mr. Ego's) than some Dreamworks movies can do with a whole 90-minute movie. Plus, there are a ton of fast-moving rats-eye-view shots that look really cool in digital animation. People who think, "Eww, it's about rats in a kitchen," are only hurting themselves. And the rats' feelings.
Live Free or Die Hard: B+
You know the deal. Explosions, one-liners, yippie ki-yay. The real issue this movie brought up is not about whether a "fire sale" (the thing the digi-terrorists want to do) is possible, but why I find myself liking Justin Long. Given a choice between him and John Hodgeman in the Mac/PC ads, I think I'd go with the PC-he seems like less of a dick. And Accepted was no great shakes. Any good will from that movie would go to Jonah Hill. So what is it about him that made me want Bruce Willis to kill bad guys one-by-one in order to save his life? A little help?
Anyway, my possibly older, possibly younger sister just came back from a three-week, hit-every-country tour of Europe. Here's what she brought back for me and Jesse (totally not in the right order):
From Iceland:
-a tiny Viking with a black beard (for me)
-a tiny Viking with a red beard (for Jesse)
From either Denmark or Germany:
-kinder eggs! (not photographed because, well, we wanted the toy inside)
From Amsterdam:
-a magnet of little wooden shoes
From Brussels:
-a tiny replica of a little man who pees in a fountain
From Paris:
-a statue of a giraffe in the shape of an Eiffel tower
From Switzerland:
-Swiss chocolate
From Italy:
-a sparkly magnet of the "Birth of Venus" (to match my mousepad)
-a tiny Pinocchio
Norway was the Big Score, because she had foreign money she needed to get rid of:
-a "The Scream" mousepad
-a "The Scream" tiny pocket book
-a magnet of another Munch painting
Chocolate, giraffes, and Vikings? She knows me so well.
And, while she was traveling the world, I was home watching some movies.
Knocked Up: A-
Yeah, you've seen this story a million times before. Girl walks in to immature boy's life and gives him the tools he needs to grow up and become a man. (For an interesting article about this genre of movie-and why slackers are always men-see this Slate article.) Knocked Up is a cut above, because the women get to be at least a little bit funny in their own right, and not just the wish-fulfillment plot device by which the men get to become grownups. Still, it's the Freaks & Geeks/Undeclared crew that still does most of the hard work. I think it's awesome that those shows were cancelled really quickly, and they all turned around and said, "Fine, we'll make more money doing hugely successful movies instead." And they did.
Mr. Brooks: B-
I don't know what to say about this movie. It was wildly uneven (especially the Demi Moore parts-it was like she was acting in this separate police B-movie), but it kept my interest and I love anything that has Badass William Hurt. Big spoilers: I can say with fair certainty that it's the best thing Dane Cook has ever done. Maybe it's because he gets killed in it.
Hot Fuzz: B+
I liked Shaun of the Dead better only because Simon Pegg's character is supposed to be a hard-ass straight-arrow through the beginning of the movie, and that's not as funny as a slacker dude who doesn't notice the zombies in his neighborhood. That doesn't really matter, though. It's still hilarious-especially if you've seen Point Break.
Ocean's 13: B
On one level, all the Ocean's movies make me happy. They're glitzy and fun and have big stars who are obviously having a grand ol' time. It's like when you see someone who has a gigantic grin on their face, and you can't help but just smile back. On another level, all the Ocean's movies make me feel stupid. I'm always a step behind the Grand Plan-I don't think I figure out some of the cons until after the villains do. Between that and Pirates II, I think I'm becoming dull in my old age. *Sits and reads copies of Flowers for Algernon.*
Joshua: B+
This movie gave me nightmares and mosquito bites. It was the type of movie that while watching it, I couldn't really get a handle on what it was or where it was going, but afterward it gave me a lot to think about. I love it when that happens. Something else that I love: Vera Farmiga. She's amazing in The Departed ("You ahhh trouble."), she kicks ass as an Eastern European hooker in Breaking and Entering, and she gets knocked around a lot in this film-by an eight-year-old-and it doesn't seem silly. I predict bigger/better things for her. (I love Sam Rockwell, too, and he's in this movie, but I always talk about how much I love him.)
Hostel II: A-
I adore Eli Roth. I don't care if that makes me a frat boy or an Ain't-It-Cool Nerd or a creepy horror fan or like any of the other Eli Roth fans out there. I was afraid Hostel II would be unwatchable, falling into the sequel trap of trying out out-gross the first (gore-wise, not money-wise). Instead, there's actually less blood 'n' guts in Hostel II-though there were still parts that made the audience I was with scream-but more excitement, psychological insight, tension, and ass-kicking. Seriously, people stood up and clapped at certain parts. However, I watched this movie while my sister was on her tour of Europe, staying in different hostels she booked on the Internet. I wouldn't recommend seeing it while your loved ones are at the mercy of hostel owners.
Surf's Up: B-
The dude abides-actually, all the vocal performances were pretty good-and the mockumentary format was pretty novel. I guess I'm just sick of cartoon penguins. I wish Flushed Away made more money.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: C
Listen, if my super-power were stretchiness, I wouldn't feel all that compelled to use it to fight crime. I mean, there's only so much you can do. Same with being big and rock-like. And, come to think of it, being able to set yourself on fire is probably more dangerous than helpful. Maybe the Fantastic Four should really start looking into other careers-staging stunt spectaculars, perhaps. Their movie heroism isn't really doing anyone any good.
Nancy Drew: B+
This movie is great. Reasons why can be found in Jesse's review. There isn't anything else to say that wouldn't devolve into me saying,
"No, really," "No, I swear," "Trust me," and "Best teen-oriented movie since Josie and the Pussycats." No, really.
Sicko: A
This movie managed to bring up every insecurity I have about my future-and I have health insurance! My initial reaction was to barricade myself inside the apartment and never leave again for fear of going bankrupt one way or another. I know Michael Moore is a divisive figure and even those who share his politics manage to hate him, but I've always been a fan. Sure, things are exaggerated, edited, stretched, or omitted. But I don't think it's his job to put forth flawless policy programs-how boring would that be? Instead, I think it is his job to get people thinking and talking and even arguing about certain ideas in an entertaining way, and he certainly accomplished that in Sicko. I like the big, cheesy stunts he pulls, no matter how unfair or inaccurate they are. I like it whenever someone asks, "Is that camera on?" and he says, "No," even when it's a lie. I even like it when he goes after CEOs, even though no one in their right mind would or should meet with him and even if they did it wouldn't do any good. He's not a politician, he's an entertainer, and taking 9/11 rescue workers to Guantanamo Bay because it's "the only place on U.S. soil with free, universal heath care," is just funny.
A Mighty Heart: B
It's a fun way to spend a summer afternoon. Wait, I meant to say it's not really a fun way to spend a summer afternoon. There's a growing genre that I'll call "imminent danger movies"-Jesse named United 93 as another example-where you know going into the movie that it's not going to turn out all right at the end. I think knowing the truth takes me out of the movie a little, since when they get a promising lead or find a new development, I don't share in the characters' excitement because I know what happens. So, as a movie, the experience is a little flat. As a story, A Mighty Heart is tragic and heartbreaking, and I like how the movie doesn't assign blame to anyone that doesn't deserve it.
1408: B
The woman waiting near me at the movie theater told me-unsolicited-that 1408 reminded her of a Twilight's Zone episode, and it's true, which is both good and bad. It's good because the Twilight's Zone is really creepy, but bad because I always thought they could tell their stories in 15 minutes but stretched the plots out to a half-hour. Both things are true for 1408, but it's certainly a journey of sight and sound.
Ratatouille: A
People break my heart. Why do you hate cartoon rats so much? Mickey Mouse is technically a rodent. Rizzo from the Muppets is a rodent. People like them. But when it comes to computer-animated rat movies, humans just don't bite. Ratatouille and Flushed Away were both amazing, but Flushed Away bombed and Ratatouiille had the softest opening of any Pixar movie since A Bug's Life (also terrific). What's up with that? The Pixar movies can summon more emotion with one facial expression (namely, Mr. Ego's) than some Dreamworks movies can do with a whole 90-minute movie. Plus, there are a ton of fast-moving rats-eye-view shots that look really cool in digital animation. People who think, "Eww, it's about rats in a kitchen," are only hurting themselves. And the rats' feelings.
Live Free or Die Hard: B+
You know the deal. Explosions, one-liners, yippie ki-yay. The real issue this movie brought up is not about whether a "fire sale" (the thing the digi-terrorists want to do) is possible, but why I find myself liking Justin Long. Given a choice between him and John Hodgeman in the Mac/PC ads, I think I'd go with the PC-he seems like less of a dick. And Accepted was no great shakes. Any good will from that movie would go to Jonah Hill. So what is it about him that made me want Bruce Willis to kill bad guys one-by-one in order to save his life? A little help?