(no subject)
before you get mad.
i'm not denouncing you.
ok? ok.
and i'm set in my decision.
so don't lay a guilt trip on me.
because i'm not doing this for you.
or you or you or you.
its for me.
"Freedom is not merely the opportunity to do as one pleases; neither is it merely the opportunity to choose between set alternatives. Freedom is, first of all, the chance to formulate the available choices, to argue over them -- and then, the opportunity to choose." - C. Wright Mills.
The past few weeks have been rough, but strangely simplistic at the same time. If you know me at all, you know that if I don't feel right about something, I'll fight it to the end. I fight and fight and fight and never ever let my gaurd down. Because when I do, I get burned. Every time. Tonight, I had a lengthly conversation with Falyn. She is the absolute only person in the world who I would let tell me the things she does. Any other person would die. But I love her, and I know she doesn't take pleasure in telling me those things, and only does when she has to. I am leaving the Nazarene church. Uhmm. Strike that. I have left the Nazarene church. Gone gone gone. And I know where Falyn and Jenny and everyone stand on the topic. However. I am learning to not rely so much on Falyn, even though I love her more than any living person, because soon enough, I won't be able to. I have thought and even prayed (!) and I know for sure that God doesn't need me there anymore. And Falyn's right, the same thing could happen at the Methodist church. But here's my reasoning on that, to whom it may concern. From my first week at VNC, I was asked to participate in the 101 classes, to become a member. I have refused every offer, but I never quite knew why. I understood that in joining naz church i was not denouncing FUMC, but it still didn't feel right. So I didn't do it. And when it came to problems in the youth group, I felt like Tammy did everything in her power to help us fix it. Whether or not we would let her help was a different story. And because I am so close to her, I understood most of her reasoning on decisions for the youth group. Where as, at naz, I sometimes feel like if I have a question, i get the "i dont have to answer it if i don't want to" attitude. I have never felt connected to pastor or the services at VNC, despite attending all three of them, and some at common ground. When I decided to be baptized again, I was strict on my decision to have falyn do it, for that very reason. And before anyone gets worked up, yes, I do in fact understand that every church has its problems. None of them are perfect, duh. There's always going to be issues that never seem to be resolved . But what's more important for me is where I feel welcome. I actually enjoy walking into a church where everyone knows me and (gasp) my parents and extended family too. I love meeting the older women who say "I remember when you were born" and "I went to highschool with your grandma, did you know that?" I'm enjoying not walking into a church and getting the looks. The "thats the girl with too many opinions." look. The "why can't she just stop asking questions and be quiet" look. The "Oh no, she might be influencing my child to think" look. Harsh? maybe. And I'm sorry for that. But I love the methodist church. And I'm not sorry for that. I've gotten some amazing relationships from VNC, some people that I know for sure were put into my life for a reason. And on the contrary, some encounters with people I could have soooo done without. Yes, Christianity is a constant battle. Always fighting fighting fighting to hold on. But I feel like this may make the battle a little less taxing, with a clearer ultimate goal. So let's make this clear. I'm not bashing VNC. If I wanted to to do that I would, and you'd know it. But I have no reason to. VNC has had an extrodinary influence on who I am today, but now it's time for me to move on. And I'm sorry for those who may take offense to this, but not as sorry as I would be if I hadn't made my point clear. I love you all, as ridiculously hallmark-y as that sounds, but I'm done.