I'm angry. Like. In a deeply rooted, righteous way.
It wouldn't be so bad if the complete lack of respect show toward me hadn't happened three separate, unrelated instances. Part of me is like, "Well, I didn't say NO hard enough. I didn't speak up." but the thing is I did.
I remembered that I'm experiencing the typical reaction of victim self-blaming and realized it's okay for me to be angry.
So. I've had two hook-ups and a train ride experience. I've learned. I can't let men get away with being pushy and demanding and completely disrespecting me.
The first hook-up was admittedly a drunken tryst. Armstrong was nice enough throughout the day; Not especially attractive but not ugly, and it had been five months. Halfway through naked making out he started to put himself in, and I said something about a condom. He said, "It'll be alright" and went ahead anyway. He never finished because I fell asleep because I sleep when I'm drunk.
I didn't think much about it. We were drunk after all. We're still talking.
The red alert came when the second guy I was talking to and have had some weird sexual tension with ignored me five times. I counted. The fifth time I let him because I just wanted to get it over with and have him stop harassing me about fucking me without a condom.
I kept saying, "If you had a condom it'd be okay, no, you don't have a condom. No. Oral is fine. You can fuck my mouth."
Daniel Hannah's response was the same as Armstrong's: "I'll pull out."
He did.
But that wasn't the point: I said "no" over and over and over again. I was extremely assertive about having a condom and that I wasn't on birth control.
He asked me how it was afterwards through text, and I said, "It would have been better if you had respected me about the condom."
He said, "You're right. Sorry."
Sorry.
My response was, "No you're not. Don't lie to me." and he didn't respond. The mechanics of the sex was good, but he completely disregarded my demands. I didn't ask for a condom, I said it was necessary.
My bad for letting them get away with raping me.
That's really hard for me to say because it wasn't violent like I thought it'd be. I didn't expect it to be with people I wanted sex from.
It was subtle. Pressuring me into something I made clear I didn't want. Next time I will get up and leave because a one-off isn't worth letting people I don't completely trust to "pull out."
I've learned.
The third time wasn't sex-related (or maybe it was), but I was out in Chicago alone. I'd been wandering around because I like exploring and living on military base is suffocating and I finally have permission to do what I want.
Halfway through the night, nothing particularly interesting was happening, but the trains I needed were shut down. I was looking for a cheap place to stay, but come 1 a.m. the hostels were all booked and it was too late to call someone for a place to crash. I decided to join the homeless people riding the 24/7 Red Line until 6 a.m. when the trains would start again.
Three drunk black men in their 30's came on the train reeking of whiskey. They weren't particularly bothersome - Actually I was enjoying listening to their conversations. I made the mistake of smiling at one of them.
He proceeded to harass me for five hours, trying to get me back to his apartment. I told him I was riding the train around for the night. He was upset that I was alone and wanted to give me a place to stay for a few hours.
Which was a nice enough offer, until I told him "no" at least 50 times and he kept insisting that I come back with him. He wanted to prove that "he's not like other guys, I'm not tryin' to git wit' you, I just wanna show ya, prove to ya we not all bad. I know what it's like to be homeless on dis train and it's not safe."
"No, it's okay. I believe you. I don't know you. Look, you gotta understand, I'm alone in Chicago and I have the face people like to take advantage of. No, really, it's okay. Thank you. I'm sure it's a nice place but no thank you. No, I don't trust you because I don't know you. It's nothing personal. I don't need help finding my way back, thank you. No. No. No."
Eventually his friends left and I was alone with him for another two hours. We went back and forth with the above dialog the entire time.
Then I really had to pee.
I've never been in a city like Chicago where it's impossible to find a fucking toilet. Soon either an alley was going to sound tempting or... going back to this guy's place.
Up until the bitter end I kept telling him I didn't want to go to his place. Admittedly, he lived in what seemed to be a nice neighborhood, but I'm not a Chicago expert so I can't really say this with confidence.
After I peed at his apartment I took off. He kept begging me to stay, going as far as blocking my exit with his body but I pushed my way past him.
I was getting really uneasy vibes from him. I remembered that I have to constantly remind myself that my instincts are usually correct, and I had a feeling this was going to end badly if I stayed.
I don't think he intended to hurt me, but I do think he wanted sex and I was 100% not okay with that. I kept thinking to my last two hook ups and remembered that I'm a "Let it happen and get it over with" person. Somewhat unexpected but I didn't want the night to end that badly.
Anyway, I got home safely after being awake for 29 hours.
I'm okay. I'm angry at myself for being complacent, and I'm angry at men for not respecting "no." All I can do is learn to be a bitch because I value myself and my own desires. I had to learn through three violations but now I really understand how little men respect women, however subtle their actions may be.
I remembered that I'm experiencing the typical reaction of victim self-blaming and realized it's okay for me to be angry.
So. I've had two hook-ups and a train ride experience. I've learned. I can't let men get away with being pushy and demanding and completely disrespecting me.
The first hook-up was admittedly a drunken tryst. Armstrong was nice enough throughout the day; Not especially attractive but not ugly, and it had been five months. Halfway through naked making out he started to put himself in, and I said something about a condom. He said, "It'll be alright" and went ahead anyway. He never finished because I fell asleep because I sleep when I'm drunk.
I didn't think much about it. We were drunk after all. We're still talking.
The red alert came when the second guy I was talking to and have had some weird sexual tension with ignored me five times. I counted. The fifth time I let him because I just wanted to get it over with and have him stop harassing me about fucking me without a condom.
I kept saying, "If you had a condom it'd be okay, no, you don't have a condom. No. Oral is fine. You can fuck my mouth."
Daniel Hannah's response was the same as Armstrong's: "I'll pull out."
He did.
But that wasn't the point: I said "no" over and over and over again. I was extremely assertive about having a condom and that I wasn't on birth control.
He asked me how it was afterwards through text, and I said, "It would have been better if you had respected me about the condom."
He said, "You're right. Sorry."
Sorry.
My response was, "No you're not. Don't lie to me." and he didn't respond. The mechanics of the sex was good, but he completely disregarded my demands. I didn't ask for a condom, I said it was necessary.
My bad for letting them get away with raping me.
That's really hard for me to say because it wasn't violent like I thought it'd be. I didn't expect it to be with people I wanted sex from.
It was subtle. Pressuring me into something I made clear I didn't want. Next time I will get up and leave because a one-off isn't worth letting people I don't completely trust to "pull out."
I've learned.
The third time wasn't sex-related (or maybe it was), but I was out in Chicago alone. I'd been wandering around because I like exploring and living on military base is suffocating and I finally have permission to do what I want.
Halfway through the night, nothing particularly interesting was happening, but the trains I needed were shut down. I was looking for a cheap place to stay, but come 1 a.m. the hostels were all booked and it was too late to call someone for a place to crash. I decided to join the homeless people riding the 24/7 Red Line until 6 a.m. when the trains would start again.
Three drunk black men in their 30's came on the train reeking of whiskey. They weren't particularly bothersome - Actually I was enjoying listening to their conversations. I made the mistake of smiling at one of them.
He proceeded to harass me for five hours, trying to get me back to his apartment. I told him I was riding the train around for the night. He was upset that I was alone and wanted to give me a place to stay for a few hours.
Which was a nice enough offer, until I told him "no" at least 50 times and he kept insisting that I come back with him. He wanted to prove that "he's not like other guys, I'm not tryin' to git wit' you, I just wanna show ya, prove to ya we not all bad. I know what it's like to be homeless on dis train and it's not safe."
"No, it's okay. I believe you. I don't know you. Look, you gotta understand, I'm alone in Chicago and I have the face people like to take advantage of. No, really, it's okay. Thank you. I'm sure it's a nice place but no thank you. No, I don't trust you because I don't know you. It's nothing personal. I don't need help finding my way back, thank you. No. No. No."
Eventually his friends left and I was alone with him for another two hours. We went back and forth with the above dialog the entire time.
Then I really had to pee.
I've never been in a city like Chicago where it's impossible to find a fucking toilet. Soon either an alley was going to sound tempting or... going back to this guy's place.
Up until the bitter end I kept telling him I didn't want to go to his place. Admittedly, he lived in what seemed to be a nice neighborhood, but I'm not a Chicago expert so I can't really say this with confidence.
After I peed at his apartment I took off. He kept begging me to stay, going as far as blocking my exit with his body but I pushed my way past him.
I was getting really uneasy vibes from him. I remembered that I have to constantly remind myself that my instincts are usually correct, and I had a feeling this was going to end badly if I stayed.
I don't think he intended to hurt me, but I do think he wanted sex and I was 100% not okay with that. I kept thinking to my last two hook ups and remembered that I'm a "Let it happen and get it over with" person. Somewhat unexpected but I didn't want the night to end that badly.
Anyway, I got home safely after being awake for 29 hours.
I'm okay. I'm angry at myself for being complacent, and I'm angry at men for not respecting "no." All I can do is learn to be a bitch because I value myself and my own desires. I had to learn through three violations but now I really understand how little men respect women, however subtle their actions may be.