bortday relfections
10 years ago I was about to start high school and was pretty excited. I was sad because I had made some great friends in Jr. High for the first time in my life. I was hoping that because I had made some great friends, I would do the same in a high school that was in a different system. I was severely wrong.
It's weird thinking of 15. I was about to discover Gravitation, and I can honestly say homosexuality would take a brand new place in my life from that catalyst. I was realizing there's a lot of things about myself that ... geeze, how do I say this? "Make me different" sounds arrogant like, "look at what a special snowflake I am" but that's not what I mean.
I stand out. I know I stand out, and while I can be an attention whore I don't do it on purpose. There's something about me that doesn't entirely fit into social norms and while I like to simplify that thing into "I'm into geek stuff" I hardly think being odd has anything to do with what you like. Maybe it's the way I see and approach things.
Anyway, when I was 15 this THING made me self-conscious because other kids noticed it too and were mean. I learned to hide and embrace myself quietly and stop giving as much of a fuck about what people thought about me (In a way this was backwards, because the older I get the less I hide myself, but I'm still amazingly self-conscious and don't want people to dislike me for being different).
Once I stopped giving a fuck, the other kids were suddenly okay with me. I got involved in high school drama and would drop out a year later, because fuck high school.
20 years ago I was excited to turn five, and I was excited because I was five years from being in the double digits. My dad still loved me and I was a happy kid.
Now I'm about to join the Navy two years after graduating college, and I'm scared of being raped, or failing at everything I try to do. I'm in a lot of debt and Mom has been getting sick. I'm pretty pessimistic about everything and am not looking forward to much.
I guess I can reflect on this in another 10 years. Hopefully LJ will still be around.
It's weird thinking of 15. I was about to discover Gravitation, and I can honestly say homosexuality would take a brand new place in my life from that catalyst. I was realizing there's a lot of things about myself that ... geeze, how do I say this? "Make me different" sounds arrogant like, "look at what a special snowflake I am" but that's not what I mean.
I stand out. I know I stand out, and while I can be an attention whore I don't do it on purpose. There's something about me that doesn't entirely fit into social norms and while I like to simplify that thing into "I'm into geek stuff" I hardly think being odd has anything to do with what you like. Maybe it's the way I see and approach things.
Anyway, when I was 15 this THING made me self-conscious because other kids noticed it too and were mean. I learned to hide and embrace myself quietly and stop giving as much of a fuck about what people thought about me (In a way this was backwards, because the older I get the less I hide myself, but I'm still amazingly self-conscious and don't want people to dislike me for being different).
Once I stopped giving a fuck, the other kids were suddenly okay with me. I got involved in high school drama and would drop out a year later, because fuck high school.
20 years ago I was excited to turn five, and I was excited because I was five years from being in the double digits. My dad still loved me and I was a happy kid.
Now I'm about to join the Navy two years after graduating college, and I'm scared of being raped, or failing at everything I try to do. I'm in a lot of debt and Mom has been getting sick. I'm pretty pessimistic about everything and am not looking forward to much.
I guess I can reflect on this in another 10 years. Hopefully LJ will still be around.