(no subject)
I've been thinking about what kind of entry I want to make for a few days now. There's so much going on and I just haven't had the energy to think of words. A few doodles get my feelings across, even though they take me as long to draw as writing an entry. I'm not a good artist.
I'm graduated from college and I'm not relieved. I've never known what I want to do with my life, but I like to edit and there's a job market for it. I may be moving soon to a copy editing job.
The military is still an option. I need the money, will continue to need the money, but I want to feel like I'm doing something in the meanwhile. Physically I'm not ready.
Mentally ... well, mentally the real world terrifies me. When I'm alone I nearly start crying. I'm emoting. It's frustrating. I got into a one-sided fight with Mom on Mother's Day because she hurt my feelings when I tried to do something for her ... I overreacted, yes, but that's how everything feels right now. The emotions are too much, everything feels like its crashing in my head and I can't see the future and there's so many things I want and I feel useless and helpless and ... poor.
Poor in everything. No money, no talent, no personality, no motivations, no inspiration, no thoughts of my own, no creativity, nothing, nothing, nothing..
When I have too many negative thoughts on my mind I begin dreaming about killing animals. Usually the dreams involve fish, dead fish with their black soulless eyes gaping from starvation or having suffocated to death in their own filthy water.
I'll have thoughts, "I should feed them", "I should change their water" but I'll forget, until I see the tank is filled with dead fish, foul and rancid from weeks of neglect.
This time I had an aquarium of miniatures. My collection consisted of tiny giraffes and elephants, fish, baby snakes and skunks. I don't understand the choice of animals.
Like usual I forgot about them. Unlike usual I remembered I had forgotten, so I tried to save the animals. Every time I reached an animal, though, they would die. I realized they were dying quicker than I could save them and I could only save one.
The skunk was drowning but still alive so I reached into the tank and pulled it out. It kicked and struggled but when I put it down it calmed and immediately recovered.
I asked him if I had hurt him, and he nodded. I asked him to forgive me, and he didn't seem angry. This was the first time I managed to save one of my animals.
I'm not entirely sure what these dreams mean. Perhaps I feel like I have too many responsibilities. The thing is, I know I don't.
I hope this is all just PMSing and it'll go away.
I'm graduated from college and I'm not relieved. I've never known what I want to do with my life, but I like to edit and there's a job market for it. I may be moving soon to a copy editing job.
The military is still an option. I need the money, will continue to need the money, but I want to feel like I'm doing something in the meanwhile. Physically I'm not ready.
Mentally ... well, mentally the real world terrifies me. When I'm alone I nearly start crying. I'm emoting. It's frustrating. I got into a one-sided fight with Mom on Mother's Day because she hurt my feelings when I tried to do something for her ... I overreacted, yes, but that's how everything feels right now. The emotions are too much, everything feels like its crashing in my head and I can't see the future and there's so many things I want and I feel useless and helpless and ... poor.
Poor in everything. No money, no talent, no personality, no motivations, no inspiration, no thoughts of my own, no creativity, nothing, nothing, nothing..
When I have too many negative thoughts on my mind I begin dreaming about killing animals. Usually the dreams involve fish, dead fish with their black soulless eyes gaping from starvation or having suffocated to death in their own filthy water.
I'll have thoughts, "I should feed them", "I should change their water" but I'll forget, until I see the tank is filled with dead fish, foul and rancid from weeks of neglect.
This time I had an aquarium of miniatures. My collection consisted of tiny giraffes and elephants, fish, baby snakes and skunks. I don't understand the choice of animals.
Like usual I forgot about them. Unlike usual I remembered I had forgotten, so I tried to save the animals. Every time I reached an animal, though, they would die. I realized they were dying quicker than I could save them and I could only save one.
The skunk was drowning but still alive so I reached into the tank and pulled it out. It kicked and struggled but when I put it down it calmed and immediately recovered.
I asked him if I had hurt him, and he nodded. I asked him to forgive me, and he didn't seem angry. This was the first time I managed to save one of my animals.
I'm not entirely sure what these dreams mean. Perhaps I feel like I have too many responsibilities. The thing is, I know I don't.
I hope this is all just PMSing and it'll go away.