"And it's killing me to see you again and not help but wonder..."

[usedtohaveabs]

Who: usedtohaveabs and jewhawk
What: Awkward moment
Where: The Hoyt House Inn
When: After THISThe only place to stay Puck and Quinn could find with vacancies was a romantic little guest house in Amelia Island. It was only about fifteen minutes drive from the clinic Kurt was in, and if they went further afield to search for a hotel, it would just put them further away

Comments

[jewhawk]

Even with Puck not knowing Kurt nearly as well as Quinn did, he could tell that Blaine had a calming effect on him, and that being with Kurt had just as much of an effect on Blaine. It was a relief to see Kurt letting Blaine in, though, and that the plug wasn't on the verge of being pulled just like before. He knew that Kurt was scared, and probably with good reason if it were any other guy he was seeing but Blaine. His issues were huge, and it was hard to imagine facing them on top of hoping like hell that the person you were seeing wouldn't just dump you when it got too hard. But that wasn't Blaine. Puck knew that from experience. He'd given his BFF no reason to want to be his friend, but Blaine had been relentless, and after a while, the two had become inseparable.

"As long as you're sure," Puck replied, his eyes still focused in on her face. He (gratefully) managed not to let out his initial response, which had been, I've slept in lots of weird places. Sure, she knew his background as a major slut, but that didn't mean that announcing it that way would be a good plan. He wasn't a total dick, and he genuinely cared about this girl. The last thing he wanted was to focus on the past where he'd fucked people over royally. "Fuck... I can't imagine if that was Blaine... What did happen to him... It fucking broke my heart, and I wasn't even there to see that part happen. But when he told me, it was like... It was like having my heart ripped out. He's my best friend, and when he hurts, I hurt, too. I know you understand that better than most people. I think I'm gonna ask for some extra days off so I can stay here longer. I don't wanna be away from B right now... Seeing how bad Kurt is? He... He's gonna need all the support he can get."

[usedtohaveabs]

Quinn reached over and picked her phone up, checking the screen to make sure she hadn't missed any calls or messages form Kurt, Blaine or the clinic. She had the stupid thing with her the whole time, so it was just a silly move, really, but she was nervous and worried. When they had left, Blaine was taking his shoes off and cuddling up next to Kurt on the bed beside him and Kurt hadn't even flinched at the physical contact. He had just moved over carefully to make a little more room for Blaine and let Blaine fluff his pillows and fuss over him a bit. The rational part of her knew they would be okay but it really was hard for her to let go of the fag hag strings a little and let Blaine do the boyfriend thing. She was still getting used to the fact did, indeed, have a boyfriend just when it felt like that might never happen... that Kurt might never let it happen.

"I wouldn't have said it if I wasn't," she returned, and it was true. She had grown up a lot in the recent years, really grown a pair, and with Kurt's help, learned not to take shit she didn't want to or have to. It might be awkward, but sometimes you had to put your big girl panties on and just deal for the sake of helping someone else. "I share a bed with Kurt all the time. Nothing to it. If you kick your sleep, I'll kick you back, though. And I knew there was no way to really prepare you for what you would see with Kurt. Eating seems like such a simple thing you take for granted, but when you don't, it can cause a whole lot of bad things to happen. Kurt does a complete number on himself when he's at his worst. It's self-harm. He might not be cutting himself, or making himself bleed, but he is knowingly hurting himself. But the illness tells him he needs to, and you saw him. There's nothing of him. But... seeing him respond to Blaine like that, you have no idea how much of a relief it was for me. I've never seen that. When he's at this point, the only person he usually responds to is his dad."

[jewhawk]

It was all Puck could do not to follow Quinn suit and check his own phone, but it wasn't on vibrate, and it was right by the bed. If Blaine had called or texted, Puck would've heard it, complete with Blaine's own personal ringtone. Things were okay, or Blaine would've let him know. He knew that, but it didn't stop the burning need in him to be in constant contact with his BFF, and to protect him from any hurt this world had to offer. Despite being a very straight male, Puck shared the fag hag feelings with Quinn, and he would do anything within his power to protect Blaine from pain of any kind. He glanced over at Quinn, though, trying to offer her comfort. "I think they're okay right now," he told her, reaching over to pat her arm, and trying to ignore the almost jolt-like feeling that shot through him at the sensation of being in bed with her and actually touching her, innocent though it was.

Without thinking about it, Puck rolled onto his side so that he could see her better while talking to her. "I have no doubt of that," he said with a small smile. Quinn didn't seem the type to just take shit that she didn't want. "I don't kick in my sleep. Blaine's the one you have to watch. I shared a tent with him on a camping trip once? Dude's tiny, but he does this starfish thing when he sleeps, and he like... booted me in the junk in his sleep." He laughed just a little, that particular memory far more entertaining now than it had been at the time. "It's... I've never seen anyone like that before. I mean, I've seen some sick, and tiny people in my job... Junkies and even people with eating disorders, but not this... I hope B can really help him, Quinn. He loves him so much that it hurts me sometimes knowing how hard it is on him. But he hurts more without Kurt than he does with him, even though it kills him watching him hurt."

[usedtohaveabs]

Quinn's fingers just closed securely around her phone and she hugged it against her chest in lieu of being able to hug Kurt and comfort him. "This is just really, really hard for me. I'm trying not to dwell on it, because it's going to sound like I don't trust Blaine with him or something, and I do. I so do. I don't think I've actually seen Kurt look like that before. There was something in his eyes when Blaine walked into the room that lit up, and he wanted Blaine to stay with him, he was letting Blaine touch him and comfort him. That's massive. It's hard to explain how much, but it is. But he's my boy, and my heart aches when he's hurting, and I'm always scared there is that chance he won't get better, and he'll slip away from us. I feel like Blaine is our chance to save him and rescue him from all of this, but it's still not easy to step back."

She had to laugh a little at that. "Why can I just imagine that with Blaine? That's going to make things interesting when he shares a bed with Kurt. Kurt's a neat sleeper. He curls up in a little cocoon and stays there. It might be different if he's with a lover. It is different sleeping with someone and holding when them you love them. There's... well, really nothing else like it. It beats even sex. Sex has its place, but you can cuddle any time, no matter what. Probably one of the biggest things I miss. I wish all this wasn't so tough on Blaine. He has a big heart and he's trying so hard, he's shouldering the whole thing, but I know he has to be terrified beyond belief. Kurt's his first boyfriend, and he's broken and damaged. That doesn't mean he cares any less."

[jewhawk]

"No, I totally understand," Puck reassured her. "It's really hard for me to let Blaine put so much of his heart on the line. He loves Kurt so damn much. I've seen Blaine have crushes before... That's not like this at all. This isn't one of those knee jerk things. This is real. Blaine's focused. His heart's in it. He's pouring every last bit of himself into this relationship and love Kurt through this. The kid... He's not very big, but he's all heart." If Quinn had looked closely, she might have noticed that Puck's eyes were a bit misty, though he'd swear to his grave it was a speck of dust causing that issue. He turned gave Quinn a weak smile. "I know Kurt would never hurt him on purpose, unless he thought it was to save him more hurt in the long run. But the thought of Blaine being hurt is really hard for me. I don't know what he'd do if he lost him now."

Puck wasn't sure what it was, but something in the way Quinn spoke just made Puck stop and take notice. At this point, he really wasn't entirely sure where he stood with her after the whole facebook dating conversation fiasco, and he didn't really want to cause any problems. Especially not now, given that their fags were a couple, and she'd fucking kissed him at the clinic.After a moment or two of silence that seemed like an eternity, Puck met her gaze. "Look, if you don't want to that's fine, but... I can hold you if you want me to. In... In fact, I'd really like to. If that's okay with you."

[usedtohaveabs]

"Well, I'm going to argue that if Blaine wasn't putting his heart on the line to this extent, Kurt would never let him close anyway. So, it would all be pointless. Kurt's only let Blaine get near him because Blaine has gotten under his skin and risked his own heart to open Kurt's up. That's something I can't thank him enough for," Quinn murmured and closed her eyes briefly. "I thought Kurt's heart was a lost cause. I thought he had locked it all up so tightly under lock and key, then threw the key away to never be seen again."

A tiny furrow of uncertainty crept across her forehead as she looked at him. It was probably stupid to think things wouldn't come to the crunch after what she did. She just didn't know how she was supposed to feel about everything right now. Normally, she would have run straight to Kurt to talk to him about anything like this, and he would have offered all his pearly gay wisdom to her, and things would have just been... easier. But Kurt couldn't be there, and she was lost, and worried about him. It was making everything seem so much worse. "Just... that thing, back in the carpark... I... don't even know what I was thinking or doing. It was wrong, and I was just over-emotional. It shouldn't have happened. You and me, it's just like we're destined to combust or something, I don't know. I don't even think you're my type. I'm just jealous of what Kurt and Blaine have, which is saying something, considering I used to be engaged, but I'm just confused and I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I'm going to screw everything up."

[jewhawk]

"Sometimes I guess things have to get worse before they can get better, and Blaine can see through the illness. Kurt's not an eating disorder. He's the guy my friend's in love with who has and eating disorder and needs people to unconditionally love him through it." He gave Quinn a tiny nod. "I just hope he continues to open up... Blaine's got so much love to give, and the more Kurt lets him in, the more love he's gonna find in Blaine."

They were lying in bed together in the aftermath of an extremely emotional day, and there was no way that wasn't going to bring up some kinds of feelings that maybe would catch them off guard. Puck had always thought Quinn was beautiful, since long before he'd even met Blaine. He'd never gotten the chance to date her in high school, and now, he was kind of glad he hadn't. The fact was, he didn't want that Quinn... Up herself and with the focus always on her goals and her life. What he wanted was this tender hearted, loving woman who was lying next to him. "I don't think it was wrong," Puck replied carefully. "I care about you, Quinn. And if I'm being honest, I've wanted to kiss you for a long time, but I didn't want you to think I was trying to take advantage because of what was going on." His voice low and slightly husky, he gently reached out to touch her cheek without realizing it until a brief moment later, when he pulled his hand back. "I'm not asking you for sex, or even to kiss me again if you don't want to," he said softly, brushing a loose strand of hair back out of her face with the lightest touch of his fingertips. "You just... Seem like you need someone to hold you."

[usedtohaveabs]

"It's one of the hardest things 'Cedes and me have had to sit by and watch. That sassy gay bitch, he... well, he blackmailed me. When I found out what he was doing back in school one day. We were basically rivals. He had his bitch realm and I had mine. We didn't like each other because we were so similar, but when I found him in that bathroom so... broken that day, he didn't even deny it. He looked for a split second like he might want to, but then he just told me if I told anyone what I knew, he would expose my relationship with Mike. I was still dating Finn at the time, see. It was that moment I saw through Kurt's tough exterior to a person who was very much like me. Scared, insecure, just trying to keep our heads above water in high school and using popularity to get it. That's when I blackmailed him right back to come back to Cheerios because as much as I hated to admit it, he was the best we had. Even better than me. So, to keep his secret he came on board and we made him co-captain. The rest was history. We were unstoppable. Three National titles with him, and he was the only one Sue let get under her skin. He still helps her coach the Cheerios for the Nationals comp each year. He flies back to Lima to see his folks and helps her our for a few weeks. And in the process of all that, he became the most important person in my life and I had to sit there and... watch him destroy himself," Quinn mumbled and had to reach up to wipe away a couple of stray tears when they escaped. "And now it's happening all over again. I wish I could have warned Blaine more, but it was Kurt's secret to tell... especially to his first love."

She sniffled and bit down on her lip when her hazel eyes met his. He was so close, and she wished her mind and heart would cooperate with each other and tell her what the hell she should be doing with this. As always, though, they seemed to be batting for different teams and she didn't have Kurt to go to for guidance this time like she had when she and Mike were deciding to call their engagement off. "I... I think I really do," she confessed quietly.

[jewhawk]

"I was there for B when he was recovering from other people trying to destroy him. I wasn't there in the part of his life where he was trying to destroy himself, too. I don't know if I could've handled that to be honest. I would've done all I could to help him, but it would've killed me knowing my boy didn't want to live anymore. By the time he came into my life, he'd found his will to live again. And I just helped him through the hard times. We ended up becoming a part of each other's lives in this weird way... It's more like brothers than friends. I would do anything to protect him, but there comes a point where you can't protect him anymore. You have to trust other people and hope like hell that things work out okay." Puck's eyes were misty as he spoke, and he wiped at them weakly. "I'm not going to lie and say I'm not scared he'll get hurt again, because I know that's always a possibility. But I think Kurt's realizing that he needs Blaine, and I won't spite either of them what they have in each other. Sometimes, when the whole world seems like shit, it has to be nice to have that person who makes you feel better, even if it's just for a little while."

When she answered in the affirmative, Puck very slowly opened his arms, sliding one gently underneath her waist, the other sliding over to slide his fingers through each other behind her back for a moment, making sure she was close to his chest before his hand came up to gently stroke her hair back from her face. Without even knowing what made him do it, he leaned in close and pressed a kiss to her forehead, and another to her temple. He needed more than anything to not be alone tonight, and for Quinn to know that she wasn't alone either.

[usedtohaveabs]

Quinn blinked back the urge to just lie there and cry for Kurt. It wouldn't be the first time, and probably not the last. Many times in the past when it felt like she just had no way to help him or ease his pain, she would lock herself away and just hurt for him. And she locked herself away because she knew the hardest part for Kurt was when he hurt others, and that was exactly how she knew it would have destroyed him inside to hurt Blaine to try and push him away to protect him. She had desperately hoped it wouldn't happen, but when it had, she knew it was extremely characteristic of Kurt when he was sick. Hell, the amount of times he had tried to push her and Mercedes away, his own family too. "I sometimes wonder if I hadn't been such a bitch in the past and saw the great guy he was back then, that he might never have ended up like this. I know it's stupid, because I do know that I'm not the only person who pushed him to breaking point but I was part of it. Back then when you're a kid and you're young and stupid, you never stop to think that every mean thing you do is hurting someone, and you don't now just how deeply. I'm glad Blaine has you, though. One thing I have learnt the hard way is that friendship is priceless. If you're lucky enough to have friends who love you unconditionally and are always there for you, no matter what, you have the world in your hands."

It was a tenderness Quinn would never in a million years have thought she would find in Noah Puckerman. He was always such a fucking hardass, someone you felt like you had to be aggressive with just for the hell of it. He was always beyond rough around the edges and she knew he existed solely because he was an asshole and visible for that very reason. But this? Was nothing like she would have expected. This is what she got from Mike, not someone like Puck. It was confusing, but she needed it. She needed to be held and she needed to somehow have this connection with Blaine's best friend, because the more he talked about the friendship, the more she could see what a big heart he had under the soft exterior. And then without even thinking about it, she was kissing him again and this time, she didn't pull away.

[jewhawk]

Puck nodded slowly, Quinn's words echoing the thoughts in his mind. Was he part of the reason this was happening? Probably. No, definitely. He was. He knew he was. Kurt had gone through his whole high school career being treated like shit by people who didn't understand him, and didn't want to understand. Puck was one of those people, and he knew it. Shit, if he could go back and change it knowing what he did now, he would in a heartbeat, but it was too late for that now. Too late for him to undo the hurt and heartache he'd caused Kurt, and through him, Blaine, Quinn, even himself. "You know... I went through life being this fucking hardass... I wanted to be tough as shit, and I wanted everybody to know it and it never fucking once occurred to me that hurting other people to prove I was a badass didn't do anything but prove how weak I really was. I never hated Kurt. I was afraid of what I didn't understand. B's been awesome for me, because he's the reason that I've been able to grow out of all my stupid notions about gay people, and just... people who were different than me in general... He saved me, whether he realizes it or not. I was a horrible person, probably well on my way to dying young for some stupid reason, and I met B, and... Well, he changed my life. For better or worse, he changed me. But it's for better. There is no worse side of it."

As Quinn kissed him, Puck was caught off guard by it again. He could seriously get used to this, though. This... this whole thing. She was every bit as beautiful as she'd been in high school, if not even more so, and holding her like this just felt right. And he was relatively sure he'd stopped breathing completely as he pulled her closer to him. Maybe this was just a moment of comfort between two people who were hurting for their best friends. Or maybe it was more. Maybe it was much much more. But all Puck knew was that he needed Quinn tonight... And he thought that right now, they both needed nothing more than to feel like they had someone else going through this with them. With a subtle movement, he pressed his lips back closer to hers, deepening the kiss while one of his hands rubbed gently at her back.

[usedtohaveabs]

Quinn was then just overwhelmed with a sense that she just didn't want to talk anymore. It wasn't anything to do with Puck and his presence, and everything to do with that sinking feeling that no amount of talking was actually going to save Kurt. He had to make those conscious choices himself to work to get well, and he had to let Blaine close to hold him through it. Now that he had Blaine, the rest of them wouldn't be enough for Kurt. That was both a heart-warming concept for Quinn, but also absolutely terrifying. Kurt had so easily pulled the plug on Blaine once, he could do it again. She didn't think so, though. She had seen the way Kurt's eyes lit up just a little when Blaine came into the room, something changed just by Blaine's presence. For the first time in a very long time, there was hope here that Kurt might beat this once and for all. He had completely spun out of control in realising he was falling hard for someone, but maybe once he got over these hurdles, it might be a more long-term recovery now. She just hoped like hell that Blaine had the strength for it. It wasn't going to be easy.

She didn't say anything. Words were superfluous now. If she tried to start talking away, everything would just get into an even more confused jumble and more awkward, and no one needed anything awkward right now. She just kissed him more deeply, arching her back to secure their closeness even more. Oh hell, she might regret this in the cold light of day, but right now she just needed to be close to someone, and she and Puck were in the same boat. They were both adults, right? They could make these conscious choices. She had to move on from Mike. It wasn't even a rebound, it was just about closing that chapter on her life... and she was ready. At least, she hoped she was.