excuses, excuses
ok, i know i told everyone i was going to update earlier this week (sorry, Eddie), but ive only just got around to it. dont i suck?
last wednesday my mother decided to drop by. and stayed till the following wednesday. cue a very stressed Holly. its strange..... when i'm in Kent staying with her and the rest of the family, its ok. i just dont feel like a part of that family any more, not that i ever really did. but its ok, because im a guest, and i can deal with it. but when she/they are here, its completely different. i've lived in wellington for four years now, so i kind of feel like its my territory.
it sounds terrible, i know, but i cant stand to have my mother in my space. in the back of my head, i know i feel like that because i consider she gave up any claim she had to me four years ago. but its the little things. like looking over my shoulder when im using the computer (eg, no updates), hanging around while im on the phone. or knocking on my bedroom door and entering without waiting for me to answer. that REALLY pissed me off. not only did she not have the right to do that, its the height of rudeness.
everyone picked up on my aloofness to "mum" and of course, checked me for it. im sorry, but i will not change my behaviour on this subject, nor will i apologise for something she never even noticed anyway. the woman gave birth to me, granted. but her behaviour towards me, years ago and now, doesnt warrant me referring to her as "mum". she is my mother. but i dont feel like her daughter. its strange. one second, she will intterupt, complain and just be downright rude to me, and the next she will try and be my best friend.
i dont want that. i want my mum.
friday, Carole arrived. Carole is the third youngest, my mother's youngest big sister. and she's totally different to her. actually, she's a lot like my grandad. if you look closely, you'll se a resemblance here and there. they have the same ears, nose and eyes. she acts like he would do in certain situations, and i think it comforts my nan when she is acting this way. Carole's daughter, is my cousin (duh, obviously). Stacey is three months younger than i, and i have mentioned her several times in past entries. when we were younger, we spent a hell of a lot of time together. not so much anymore, although when we're together, you wont be able to stop up for love nor money. im jealous of Stacey and Carole's relationship. and of my nan and Carole's. i wish things were like that with me and my mother.
i didnt see so much of Carole as i did of my mother, mainly because i've been working all week. kind of a shame, i havent seen her for over a year. hopefully things will be different next year, as soon as i hear about the job sitch. i applied for a different post at the council. one of my managers told me it would be a good idea if i did. so i did. he's forgotten all about it now. i've covered for the job in question, and i have to admit, i hate it. still, it may give me two options. #1, it means that i stay in the council, which im willing to do, just for pay and perks. #2, it may scare the manager in question into taking me on in the post im in right now.
im hoping it works out for the second one, becuase i do like my job, and i would like to stick at it for a while.
if all else fails, Pertemps have been sniffing around, asking me if im interested in another placement. even if that placement isnt available now, Gabby has always come through for me in the past. all the same, i will be having a chat with her on monday. my placement is likely to end in September, unless im taken on permanently, and i dont want to be left high and dry.
so what next? no clue. watch this space.
last wednesday my mother decided to drop by. and stayed till the following wednesday. cue a very stressed Holly. its strange..... when i'm in Kent staying with her and the rest of the family, its ok. i just dont feel like a part of that family any more, not that i ever really did. but its ok, because im a guest, and i can deal with it. but when she/they are here, its completely different. i've lived in wellington for four years now, so i kind of feel like its my territory.
it sounds terrible, i know, but i cant stand to have my mother in my space. in the back of my head, i know i feel like that because i consider she gave up any claim she had to me four years ago. but its the little things. like looking over my shoulder when im using the computer (eg, no updates), hanging around while im on the phone. or knocking on my bedroom door and entering without waiting for me to answer. that REALLY pissed me off. not only did she not have the right to do that, its the height of rudeness.
everyone picked up on my aloofness to "mum" and of course, checked me for it. im sorry, but i will not change my behaviour on this subject, nor will i apologise for something she never even noticed anyway. the woman gave birth to me, granted. but her behaviour towards me, years ago and now, doesnt warrant me referring to her as "mum". she is my mother. but i dont feel like her daughter. its strange. one second, she will intterupt, complain and just be downright rude to me, and the next she will try and be my best friend.
i dont want that. i want my mum.
friday, Carole arrived. Carole is the third youngest, my mother's youngest big sister. and she's totally different to her. actually, she's a lot like my grandad. if you look closely, you'll se a resemblance here and there. they have the same ears, nose and eyes. she acts like he would do in certain situations, and i think it comforts my nan when she is acting this way. Carole's daughter, is my cousin (duh, obviously). Stacey is three months younger than i, and i have mentioned her several times in past entries. when we were younger, we spent a hell of a lot of time together. not so much anymore, although when we're together, you wont be able to stop up for love nor money. im jealous of Stacey and Carole's relationship. and of my nan and Carole's. i wish things were like that with me and my mother.
i didnt see so much of Carole as i did of my mother, mainly because i've been working all week. kind of a shame, i havent seen her for over a year. hopefully things will be different next year, as soon as i hear about the job sitch. i applied for a different post at the council. one of my managers told me it would be a good idea if i did. so i did. he's forgotten all about it now. i've covered for the job in question, and i have to admit, i hate it. still, it may give me two options. #1, it means that i stay in the council, which im willing to do, just for pay and perks. #2, it may scare the manager in question into taking me on in the post im in right now.
im hoping it works out for the second one, becuase i do like my job, and i would like to stick at it for a while.
if all else fails, Pertemps have been sniffing around, asking me if im interested in another placement. even if that placement isnt available now, Gabby has always come through for me in the past. all the same, i will be having a chat with her on monday. my placement is likely to end in September, unless im taken on permanently, and i dont want to be left high and dry.
so what next? no clue. watch this space.