Similar to what happened to Sean...
Note: This did not actually happen to me...(cause some people are fucking stupid.)
It's 3:13 in the morning and I have just arrived home. "Why have you come home at 3:13 on a Tuesday night?" you might ask. Or you might ask "Who are you and why are you making a big deal out of it? It's only fucking 3:13." Well friend, I will tell you why I am complaining.
Let's go back to 6 in the afternoon. Oh a beautiful day it was! My friend Chase from College was coming to stay at my house for a week. That night we were going to go to a steak house with my family to enjoy some dead animal meat. I am outside on my driveway enjoying a smooth cancer stick when I get a call from Chase. He and I are known for being directionally retarded. "Hey Rob...I did everything you said to do and I'm almost positive I'm in your neighborhood...I'm on Anderson Street right now, where the fuck is that?" I helped him out as best as I could. "Obviously you DIDN'T pay attention you dumb fuck...I've never even heard of Anderson Street." I tell him I will solve the problem though and call him back.
My Mom had just gotten off a hard days work and was taking a nap inside. I didn't want to wake her up but I figured I had to. I started to walk inside when out of the corner of my eye I see your friendly neighborhood Cop. Swell I say...SWELL! I flag him down from my yard and he stops in front of my house. I kindly stare at him and wait for him to roll down the window. For about 2 minutes I don't even get a look. He just pretends I'm not there and talks on his radio. Finally he steps out of his car. Steps, waddles...what's the fucking difference? I don't want to get into it but if I had the perfect Dunk-n-Donut joke, it would go here. In Texas I think it is a requirement for officers to wear a cowboy hat and look fucking retarded.
I wanted to get this over as soon as possible and get on with my life. The conversation went as follows:
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to get in the way of your work but I figured you would know your way around here better than I would. I was wondering if you knew where an Anderson Street was around here?"
He looks me up and down and has the stereotypical cowboy/cop spit onto the ground right in front of me.
"You got any I.D. on you son?"
Now I've been asked this more than once in my life but for all of the other incidents, it was justified.
"Oh no sir, I'm not doing anything wrong. I was just wondering where--"
"You know it's illegal to not have identification on you?"
"Yea I do. Actually this is my house right here. I'm trying to give my friend directions to my place. He's at Anderson street--"
"Think you're pretty shmat, don't you son?"
Ah man. This guy was not paying attention to me at all. He gets out his little book and starts writing me a ticket. Hey now...I don't need this. I explain to him over and over what the deal is and he gives me the silent treatment. I say under my breath "This is fucking bull shit." That was my first mistake. He stopped writing my ticket and slapped those cuffs on me right away. I do the normal "freedom of speech" line to no avail. He explains to me a law he has made up that says something about verbal abuse to a police officer. Then my second mistake occured. I jerked away from him. Then for some reason he thought my face wanted to meet the hood of his car.
He throws me into his car and starts driving. At this point I am fucking LIVID. I tell him that I'll have his badge number and his job after all of this. He doesn't talk the whole time. Finally we get to the destination. That destination is what movies describe as "Downtown." Book 'em Dano. I get put into a cell screaming to other officers that this guy is a whack job and needs to be fired. I tell ya, they really didn't care. I got put into a holding tank I guess you could say. It was a white room with nothing but a chair bolted to the ground. It's the kinda place that Norman Bates would bring his first date. This was about 7:30.
For the next five hours all I heard was silence. I just kept yelling that my mom was going to have a heart attack and that I had to call her and tell her what the deal is. For five fucking hours I sit. The only thing that muffled out the sickening silence was my tears of frustation(frustation I say!). About 1 minute before I went insane I hear a door open and in walks my arresting officer. He wastes no time and actually speaks! Good for you Officer Fatty McGee.
"Look son, about 4 hours ago we got a hold of your mother. Your friend made it to the house fine and they were on there way to post bail when they got into a car crash. Your mom is in critical condition but it appears Chase will be good."
STUNNED.
"Wha...what the fuck are you talking about?"
He came over and consoled me by patting my back. I somehow get some words out.
"Sir...sir. This is the worst thing that has ever happen to me. This can't be happening. I like the fact that you're a straight shooter though...what else do you have that can get straight and "shoot."
Cue the techno music. A midget walked in with a chair, stood on it, and started flipping the lights off and on. Officer McGee fucked my face until my tonsils bled. From the shit that was already in my mouth I knew he had eaten a lot of cheese. What I was about to find out was the fact that he liked steak too. I could tell...oh how I could tell.
It's 3:13 in the morning and I have just arrived home. "Why have you come home at 3:13 on a Tuesday night?" you might ask. Or you might ask "Who are you and why are you making a big deal out of it? It's only fucking 3:13." Well friend, I will tell you why I am complaining.
Let's go back to 6 in the afternoon. Oh a beautiful day it was! My friend Chase from College was coming to stay at my house for a week. That night we were going to go to a steak house with my family to enjoy some dead animal meat. I am outside on my driveway enjoying a smooth cancer stick when I get a call from Chase. He and I are known for being directionally retarded. "Hey Rob...I did everything you said to do and I'm almost positive I'm in your neighborhood...I'm on Anderson Street right now, where the fuck is that?" I helped him out as best as I could. "Obviously you DIDN'T pay attention you dumb fuck...I've never even heard of Anderson Street." I tell him I will solve the problem though and call him back.
My Mom had just gotten off a hard days work and was taking a nap inside. I didn't want to wake her up but I figured I had to. I started to walk inside when out of the corner of my eye I see your friendly neighborhood Cop. Swell I say...SWELL! I flag him down from my yard and he stops in front of my house. I kindly stare at him and wait for him to roll down the window. For about 2 minutes I don't even get a look. He just pretends I'm not there and talks on his radio. Finally he steps out of his car. Steps, waddles...what's the fucking difference? I don't want to get into it but if I had the perfect Dunk-n-Donut joke, it would go here. In Texas I think it is a requirement for officers to wear a cowboy hat and look fucking retarded.
I wanted to get this over as soon as possible and get on with my life. The conversation went as follows:
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to get in the way of your work but I figured you would know your way around here better than I would. I was wondering if you knew where an Anderson Street was around here?"
He looks me up and down and has the stereotypical cowboy/cop spit onto the ground right in front of me.
"You got any I.D. on you son?"
Now I've been asked this more than once in my life but for all of the other incidents, it was justified.
"Oh no sir, I'm not doing anything wrong. I was just wondering where--"
"You know it's illegal to not have identification on you?"
"Yea I do. Actually this is my house right here. I'm trying to give my friend directions to my place. He's at Anderson street--"
"Think you're pretty shmat, don't you son?"
Ah man. This guy was not paying attention to me at all. He gets out his little book and starts writing me a ticket. Hey now...I don't need this. I explain to him over and over what the deal is and he gives me the silent treatment. I say under my breath "This is fucking bull shit." That was my first mistake. He stopped writing my ticket and slapped those cuffs on me right away. I do the normal "freedom of speech" line to no avail. He explains to me a law he has made up that says something about verbal abuse to a police officer. Then my second mistake occured. I jerked away from him. Then for some reason he thought my face wanted to meet the hood of his car.
He throws me into his car and starts driving. At this point I am fucking LIVID. I tell him that I'll have his badge number and his job after all of this. He doesn't talk the whole time. Finally we get to the destination. That destination is what movies describe as "Downtown." Book 'em Dano. I get put into a cell screaming to other officers that this guy is a whack job and needs to be fired. I tell ya, they really didn't care. I got put into a holding tank I guess you could say. It was a white room with nothing but a chair bolted to the ground. It's the kinda place that Norman Bates would bring his first date. This was about 7:30.
For the next five hours all I heard was silence. I just kept yelling that my mom was going to have a heart attack and that I had to call her and tell her what the deal is. For five fucking hours I sit. The only thing that muffled out the sickening silence was my tears of frustation(frustation I say!). About 1 minute before I went insane I hear a door open and in walks my arresting officer. He wastes no time and actually speaks! Good for you Officer Fatty McGee.
"Look son, about 4 hours ago we got a hold of your mother. Your friend made it to the house fine and they were on there way to post bail when they got into a car crash. Your mom is in critical condition but it appears Chase will be good."
STUNNED.
"Wha...what the fuck are you talking about?"
He came over and consoled me by patting my back. I somehow get some words out.
"Sir...sir. This is the worst thing that has ever happen to me. This can't be happening. I like the fact that you're a straight shooter though...what else do you have that can get straight and "shoot."
Cue the techno music. A midget walked in with a chair, stood on it, and started flipping the lights off and on. Officer McGee fucked my face until my tonsils bled. From the shit that was already in my mouth I knew he had eaten a lot of cheese. What I was about to find out was the fact that he liked steak too. I could tell...oh how I could tell.