day 1 (unrelated)
i feel like crying. and once again, there's no one there for me. sometimes a lot of my friends really suck. like they always fucking want me to be there for them when they're like down in the dumps, and it's just like, 'fuck you,' 'get over yourself.' when ever i don't want people like, all in my face, they always are. and the fucking second i need them, they're not there. it fucking pissed the hell out of me. i'm sick of trying to be there for everyone, cause i never feel that it's good enough for them. i just wish i always had someone there with me, like to talk to about different things. i hate this feeling, cause it never goes away, it's like always lingering around. i can never get rid of it. i'm sick of life, i'm sick of people, i'm sick of myself. i really wish there was like a place where i can stay like, forever, and just be like totally alone, and not bothered by anyone. that would be hot shit, right there. but, there's no place like that around so it really bites. like being with someone doesnt really make me feel like i'm with someone. i just don't know. i'm so confused, i just like don't know what to do anymore. i've tried everything to make me feel better. ignoring it doesnt really make a fucking difference. it just never goes away when i do. what the fuck am i talking about.? this makes no sence, like at all. i hate how much i fucking complain. it's like i'm not one of those bitches that are like, 'shut the hell up, i never complain,' because i complain constantly. it's just like what i am, a complainer, and i can never ever get away from it. i need help, i like need to find a way to help myself, which i impossible. just thinking about all of this makes me so angry, but like not thinking or like writing it out or what drives me insane. i don't want help professionally, i need help from... myself. i just don't know how to, and it's making me mad. i really wish someone would get online that i could like talk to about this. people always think i'm never satisfied cause i am always complaining, and that is way far from what i want to be seen as, but i'm so used to being me, it's hard as hell to change. i think thats it. i need to change. i don't know what to do to change though. i don't fucking know what needs to be altered about my personality, or what not. this is rediculous. i need to stop lying to myself i know what i want to change, i'm just afraid of it. everything in my life has been the same throughout my whole mother fucking life. i always have the same family problems, the same problems with friends, the same self image problems, the same emotional problems. it just really seems like i cant get away, it's like i'm entangled within myself, which makes absolutely no sence what-so-ever. i'm so sick with myself. i hate being lost all the time. just once in my mother fucking life i would like to know, and not wonder. just once. it's never going to happen though. i'm used to it. i think my life isnt complicated, i just make it morecomplicated, and confuse myself even by worring too much, i just can't help it though. ever since i was young young, i would always expect the worse in everything. but it never really came, because i was always living the worse already. i cannot wait until i am old, and i can move, and totally begin a new life. 15 years in one world is too long. when i think about starting a new life i get really stoked, and happy, so i guess i'll be pretty happy to start one. and i'll make it the best life ever.
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