(no subject)
I barely write here anymore-however, I feel the need to rant. The few months have just been crazy. I feel like its almost slipping out of control though. In other words, I'm scared as all hell.
Recently my mom has been hospitalized 3 times in less than 2 months. Because I was with her, Kim Hilgers decided to drop me from my physics class which I am quite irked about. Nobody was informed, she just did it. The teacher didn't even know for Christ's sake. That is what I like to call a bitch with too much plastic surgery on a power trip.
I went to the doctor yesterday to follow up. Basically, she believes I may have scar tissue from my cysts or endometriosis. In either case, I get to be fucked up for the next 5 or 6 months. She wants to give me a shot to put me into menopause...yeah, sucks to be me. She basically told me too that if it is scar tissue, I may never be able to have kids. I've been really bummed about that one. I want kids-badly. I have just taken that ability for granted until now when it is jeopardized.
Both my trips to California have come at convenient times I suppose. Its nice to have a place to escape to, and people to escape with. I'm so excited about next year, yet completely terrified at same time. I feel guilty because I'm the first one in my ENTIRE family (both sides) to go away to college. Its a great accomplishment, yet I cannot fully enjoy or celebrate it. I feel guilty: guilty for leaving my mom alone and guilty for making Kerry miserable. I have so much to lose and it makes me wonder if it's even worth it. I love Kerry so much but because we both suck at communicating our feelings it just makes things worse. It scares me that I don't know how he feels or what he's thinking. To me, certainty is comfort and I don't have that right now. Its not a question of whether he loves me or not, because I know he does, there is no doubt about that. He doesn't know what is in the future, but neither does anyone else. I dunno, I think I just dread the worst.
On a random note, I darkened my hair a few shades. From what I've heard, it looks really good. Sara and I spent all day doing that and then getting things ready so that I could ask Kerry to prom. I got him flowers and candy (a must have), a doodle dog, and a Chihuahua magnet because Kerry hates little dogs, that bastard. I asked him to prom in the form of heart shaped post-its on my wall.
I am moderately excited for tomorrow. I have late start now because of physics so I get to sleep in. I'm going to stay over at Kerry's tomorrow I think. Late start means more Kerry cuddle time in the mornings. He's so cute when he wakes up-he's like a little teddy bear that REALLY likes to cuddle with me.
Okay, I'm tired.
goodnight, loves.
<3
Recently my mom has been hospitalized 3 times in less than 2 months. Because I was with her, Kim Hilgers decided to drop me from my physics class which I am quite irked about. Nobody was informed, she just did it. The teacher didn't even know for Christ's sake. That is what I like to call a bitch with too much plastic surgery on a power trip.
I went to the doctor yesterday to follow up. Basically, she believes I may have scar tissue from my cysts or endometriosis. In either case, I get to be fucked up for the next 5 or 6 months. She wants to give me a shot to put me into menopause...yeah, sucks to be me. She basically told me too that if it is scar tissue, I may never be able to have kids. I've been really bummed about that one. I want kids-badly. I have just taken that ability for granted until now when it is jeopardized.
Both my trips to California have come at convenient times I suppose. Its nice to have a place to escape to, and people to escape with. I'm so excited about next year, yet completely terrified at same time. I feel guilty because I'm the first one in my ENTIRE family (both sides) to go away to college. Its a great accomplishment, yet I cannot fully enjoy or celebrate it. I feel guilty: guilty for leaving my mom alone and guilty for making Kerry miserable. I have so much to lose and it makes me wonder if it's even worth it. I love Kerry so much but because we both suck at communicating our feelings it just makes things worse. It scares me that I don't know how he feels or what he's thinking. To me, certainty is comfort and I don't have that right now. Its not a question of whether he loves me or not, because I know he does, there is no doubt about that. He doesn't know what is in the future, but neither does anyone else. I dunno, I think I just dread the worst.
On a random note, I darkened my hair a few shades. From what I've heard, it looks really good. Sara and I spent all day doing that and then getting things ready so that I could ask Kerry to prom. I got him flowers and candy (a must have), a doodle dog, and a Chihuahua magnet because Kerry hates little dogs, that bastard. I asked him to prom in the form of heart shaped post-its on my wall.
I am moderately excited for tomorrow. I have late start now because of physics so I get to sleep in. I'm going to stay over at Kerry's tomorrow I think. Late start means more Kerry cuddle time in the mornings. He's so cute when he wakes up-he's like a little teddy bear that REALLY likes to cuddle with me.
Okay, I'm tired.
goodnight, loves.
<3