(no subject)
Anyway... there's this thing about you. it's a thing you do. i remember very vaguely at a certain point we were talking about thought bubbles over animals' heads... i can't remember what was the context and this was years ago. ANYWAY it's basically a bookmark for a feeling that i had at the time. it was a feeling of complete inner excitement. i can't imagine how nathan could ever stop you in the middle of what you are saying. everything you say is magical. sometimes the white kind and sometimes the black kind. in both senses it is bewitching. maybe you have a good grasp of it because you are a writer by profession, but this prowess isn't just a matter of technicality.
to me, your thoughts come straight from your head, not somewhere else. sometimes i think my thoughts come from somewhere else and don't really belong to me. everything i read from you belongs to you. how does nathan interrupt you while you're sharing your opinion? i don't get it.
maybe it's different because we are in a space where we can't interrupt each other, talk over each other, shout at each other, or slur at each other.
meeting... i've gone over these scenes several times in my head. we meet and instantly click in a sexual way and start making out. or, we meet and you smile and i smile and you call me gay and we make out. or, we meet somewhere crowded and you can't hear what i'm saying and i can't hear what you're saying, thinking too loud, and then we get bored with each other because the only things we hear each other say are banal comments about the weather and glossed over descriptions of what we did that day. OR we might try somewhere like a library but it's just so awkward that we could hear each other so well so we end up saying the same banal things we would have said in the previous setting, but of course, as a result of more care. there's also my house. you could play with my cat and i could play with your hair and you'll ask if i find you pretty and i'll say yes. or my car. i could just pick you up and we can choose where to go together. then i don't have to think of what to say. i can just drive and let you do all the talking. you can be my stereo and change thoughts as quickly as you want, just like stations, and go on for hours and we don't really have to go anywhere until i get gas.
i keep wondering what hales would think if she saw any of these passages. would the person i am here be a totally different person from who she knows? maybe. i hope not. then again, when have i ever talked about words in a metaphysical context with her? the last major talk we had about the effect of words was the effect of the lies i told. i remember... one time... i was sending her a text while sitting in my boxers in someone else's bed, and then i felt this ache in my chest. like, what if i substituted her for my class, and wrote to my class that i loved them while jumping off a bridge or doing something else that shows them that i am a hypocrite who will just abandon them? it was a stupid text too, like... "coming soon what do you want from the store?" why the fuck even pretend? who was i kidding?
i don't think i really answered your question, about why i cheat. it's so stupid because, i think to myself... why would he cheat on you? i beat him up in my head. then it's like... but duh, i am that person. i am that asshole who cheats on people with good hearts and good heads on their shoulders.
this is what i keep thinking about in the back of my mind. i love hales. but it's not just that. i think seven years ahead to who you will see me as. that's what stops me. that's what drives me crazy. i will always be this broken.
to me, your thoughts come straight from your head, not somewhere else. sometimes i think my thoughts come from somewhere else and don't really belong to me. everything i read from you belongs to you. how does nathan interrupt you while you're sharing your opinion? i don't get it.
maybe it's different because we are in a space where we can't interrupt each other, talk over each other, shout at each other, or slur at each other.
meeting... i've gone over these scenes several times in my head. we meet and instantly click in a sexual way and start making out. or, we meet and you smile and i smile and you call me gay and we make out. or, we meet somewhere crowded and you can't hear what i'm saying and i can't hear what you're saying, thinking too loud, and then we get bored with each other because the only things we hear each other say are banal comments about the weather and glossed over descriptions of what we did that day. OR we might try somewhere like a library but it's just so awkward that we could hear each other so well so we end up saying the same banal things we would have said in the previous setting, but of course, as a result of more care. there's also my house. you could play with my cat and i could play with your hair and you'll ask if i find you pretty and i'll say yes. or my car. i could just pick you up and we can choose where to go together. then i don't have to think of what to say. i can just drive and let you do all the talking. you can be my stereo and change thoughts as quickly as you want, just like stations, and go on for hours and we don't really have to go anywhere until i get gas.
i keep wondering what hales would think if she saw any of these passages. would the person i am here be a totally different person from who she knows? maybe. i hope not. then again, when have i ever talked about words in a metaphysical context with her? the last major talk we had about the effect of words was the effect of the lies i told. i remember... one time... i was sending her a text while sitting in my boxers in someone else's bed, and then i felt this ache in my chest. like, what if i substituted her for my class, and wrote to my class that i loved them while jumping off a bridge or doing something else that shows them that i am a hypocrite who will just abandon them? it was a stupid text too, like... "coming soon what do you want from the store?" why the fuck even pretend? who was i kidding?
i don't think i really answered your question, about why i cheat. it's so stupid because, i think to myself... why would he cheat on you? i beat him up in my head. then it's like... but duh, i am that person. i am that asshole who cheats on people with good hearts and good heads on their shoulders.
this is what i keep thinking about in the back of my mind. i love hales. but it's not just that. i think seven years ahead to who you will see me as. that's what stops me. that's what drives me crazy. i will always be this broken.