(no subject)
You're about to read an essay(?) that I wrote last week for my English IV class. The assignment was to come up with something regarding a personal or non-personal "crisis of conscience". If you don't know what "crisis of conscience" is, imagine being stuck with possible choices. An wee-little angel appears on one of your shoulders and a devil on the other. Get it?
Anyway, I was completely unsure of handing this in after I finished, because I turned it into somewhat of a rant and maybe it was a little bit too raw and abbrassive to be considered for a big assignment-type deal. Whatever. I handed it in regardless. I let Brian take a look at it one day last week. He thought it was another one of my ridiculous pieces and just went "ugh". Yeaahhhh.
After watching Casablanca, I was reminded of how naive some people can be when it comes to being in a relationship. I guess I’ll use teenagers as my example, considering I’m in a school surrounded by them and there’s hardly any escaping from their bullshit feelings that they have for their boyfriend or girlfriend of that month which they force upon you with a barrage of unwanted venting of sadness, confusion, and incompetence or a hail of head-over-heels nonsense.
I see many of these kids in relationships where it’s quite clear to me that they won’t last for a any long amount of time. Some of these people are just drawn together by their loneliness. Yeah, it’s great to find love, but so many kids are fooling themselves and they know it, but have such a hard time admitting it or never will. The idea of a lack of compatibility with their partner is a scary thought for some no matter how true it may be. I don’t mean that this applies to every teen in a relationship, but a great deal of them, no less.
I’ll use myself in an example, because sometimes this kind of stuff gets me to hate everyone and everything in this world for a little while, so to degrade myself along with everyone else, well, it seems just a bit more fair and permissible. Yes. I too am an idiot.
Anyway, let’s say that I meet a girl. Oooohhhh, how pretty she is. I go up to her and do my thing. Whether I make an ass of myself or not, we’ll declare that I win over this girl’s interest. This is super. Mighty damn super! I’m attracted to her and she’s attracted to me. Great. But we don’t really share any common interests. No big deal, right? As the days pass, all I can think about is her. When we get together and “hang out” sometimes things can be weird, because I’m trying to be the person I think she’ll like so that she’ll stay with me longer. Man, it can be kind of boring, but I’m still madly in love with her. Plus, we get to make out and shit, yo. I know we’ll be together for a long time. Maybe even move into an apartment together after we finish school. That’ll be sweet.
We’ve been together for two weeks now and things are a little slow, I guess. We haven’t spoken in three days. Still, I’m not worried one bit. She’s probably got some big project or test she’s studying for. Dude, I am so lucky to have her. Oh, by the way, I’m sort of running low on money. I don’t really have enough to buy her any more presents. I suppose I’ll have to start looking for a job somewhere in town. Hopefully, with this new job, I’ll be able to make enough to buy our apartment after we graduate.
She broke up with me! What the hell?! What did I do to deserve this?! (Pathetic sobbing)
I hate her! She’s stupid.
Oh man, I’d do anything to have her love me again.
Alright, so there was no crisis of conscience that took place. I didn’t gain or do anything that would make me see or understand what really happened and why, but that’s because I’m a fucking moron! Had I been even just wee bit more intelligent, I could have stepped back and said, “Whoa. Wait up. I like this girl a lot, but only because I think she’s very attractive. So, I think she’s cute. Ok. I know that much. It’s a nice start. Let me see. What else is there that’s going on that I otherwise would be too much of an idiot to admit is wrong with this whole thing? Ah! I don’t really know her that well and what I do know about her is that she likes a lot of stuff that I don’t care for and has certain views on various things that I don’t agree with. But I still think she’s damn cute. Hmm. Am I actually willing to compromise who I am and trick myself into thinking that this relationship could work out, solely because I think she’s a hotty? When is the next time I’ll have a girl this good looking interested in me? What am I even thinking?! We’re just kids with our entire lives ahead of us. I made a mistake. I should go ahead and take care of this in a very intellectual way and continue living my life and staying true to myself. I’ll wait to find a girl who’s cool and shares my interests. I’m sure I won’t have any problem with that if I maintain this mature and positive way of thinking. For now, I’m gonna’ have some good times with the people who really love me, my friends and family.”
It can take a whole lot of guts for someone to say this kind of thing to themselves and I commend anyone around my age that can be honest with themselves in a sticky situation such as this. Let’s face it, we’re just kids. We all have an entire life ahead of us and that means that there is plenty of time to wise up. To be more optimistic, I truly hope that someone who goes through this shit can at least make it out with some kind of lesson learned and knowledge that will help them in the future.
I got it handed back today with a shazzaming A+. Brian was hysterical for a few seconds when I showed it to him. Here's what my teacher had to say.
"I thought that this was a truly wonderful essay. You chose a topic that is a source of great confusion and conflict and analyzed it [with] marvelous insight and humor. This essay really struck a note in me because I remember (you made me remember) feeling this way. I also remember my son's conflicts re: this issue and my counsel(?) to him. It's so hard! You know what's best: being friends first and developing a relationship, but all around you there is that teenage angst about being complete only if you "have" someone. But I've seen your friendships with some of the girls and I know that you are the kind of honest, sincere man that they prefer to the shallow men. Take heart!
P.S. What a powerful author you are!"
It's seems that lately, I'm finally getting recognition and compliments (put in words) for who I am. It's not that I've been waiting for this stuff forever or look foward to it, but it's somewhat relieving to have people commend me on my efforts to be the best person I can possibly be; to know that it's appreciated and doesn't go unnoticed. At work I get this stuff coming at me all of the time, from my managers, co-workers, and bosses.
My job is only getting more ridiculous.
+Free sandwiches when I'm working. I can put whatever I want on them.
+Free fancy cheese cakes, pie, deserts, etc. if they're still standing after their 5-day run
+Free coffee and tea whenever.
+Free frozen, smoothy-like drinks from the guys working the bar
+My bosses bring in their cute doggy often. I can feed it carrot shavings. It's named WAFFLES!
+Co-workers are insanely cool.
+Being able to sing about a steel door cleaner, "Lazer Shine", in falsetto, really loud.
+Being able to call my bosses "Man", "Dude, and "Bro"
+My sometimes strange humor is widely accepted.
+Being able to print out whatever I want on reciepts. Prime Examples: -1 LG Hot Chocolate (Possibly poop in it......or dont) Whole Milk Whipped Cream -1 SM Frozen drink (add extra foreskin)
+Being able to play whatever music I want in the kitchen.
+20-50% discounts.
+Re-learning Spanish...very, very slowly.
+I look foward to going in and love working long hours.
Like I said, I can't believe I have this job. With the way it's going, I might be allowed to have the kitchen all to myself for my entire shift in a few months, rather than working with one other guy until things slow down in the evening. I still can't believe I actually get paid for this!!! Fucking ridic, man.
One of my managers, Sean, two weeks ago he was caught in a mess with one of the regulars who come in a few times a week. There are actually two of them. One's very tall and not attractive, the other is normal height, I guess, not that attractive, and has some sort of mental handicap. The latter of the two caught Sean off-guard while he was serving a table and asked him out. Like a confused monkey, he responded with something close to "Uhh, yeah...sure." He came into the kitchen and was buggin'. We spent the rest of the night coming up with ways on how to take care of this sticky situation. Here's what we thought up:
-Go out with her and get wasted so that she thinks he's a slob.
-Take her to a cracked-out neighborhood in Newark and possibly leave her there.
-Get AIDS so she won't touch him (hopefully) or so that he could give it to her.
-I'd have sex with her and then call the cops, having her arrested for fucking a minor.
It was nuts. She came in last week. And sparked up small conversation with him. He's being nice and going along with it, but he gets pretty anxious about her coming in with giant friend. He says that he'll take her out for a drink or something and that's all. It's become, what I call, FrumpFest '06. Surely this will unravel into something that we cannot even comprehend.
Oh! Wolf It Out's performance two Fridays ago. Good stuff. I had so much fun playing and crowdsurfing and seeing people dance. Thanks to you crazy weinerheads for comin' out. It means a lot. I can't wait to play more shows. And Chris, thanks for that first design. We're thinking of using that for shirts.
The Project Coffeehouse was on Wednesday. It went pretty damn well. Possibly the best one yet. Lots of musical acts this time around. I was planning on doing something with my friend/co-worker, Mark, but he was already performing two or three times, so I didn't know what I was going to do. We were going to originally improv a song about Lazer Shine, so I took some cardboard boxes and turned them into a mask and armor and drew "Lazer Shine" on the front and "Get Into It" on the back. When it was my turn to go on, I slowly walked through the crowd to get to the "stage". I could barely see out of the mask. I didn't want to trip over someone or something. I got to the front and just stood there. My mind was racing trying to think of what I could do. Nothing. I got nervous and kinda' anxious. I stood there for a couple of seconds and then I hear a roar of laughter. And then silence. I slightly move my arms, thinking that I'd do something, but I had nothing. It was fucking awkward. People kept laughing. It was fucking crazy how everyone was already crying and I did nothing but stand still for a minute. Then I decided to speak. I had a very soft voice and was the slightest bit hesitant about what I was going to say. I went on to say that I was "promoting Lazer Shine, the greatest cleaner product in the world" and "that everyone should use it.....I don't know where to get it. If anyone wants any, I could steal it from work." Mind you, this was some of the most awkward shit I've ever done and I'm so glad I had a cardboard mask on. People fucking LOLED, man. It was unbelievable. I had no idea what I was doing. The next day I was complimented so many times on what a great performance I put on and that I set a new standard, etc. I was even told that I resembled Leo Gallagher and Andy Kaufman. It really got me thinking that comedy/acting might be a new frontier for me to explore somewhere/sometime.
I hung out with Eden yesterday. I was in Journal Square and decided to give him a call out of nowhere. Luckily he wasn't doing anything, so I went over. We watched The Toxic Avenger II and some Voivod videos. Ate a very delicious dinner with his mom. It was a sweet time.
My life is so good. So, so good. It seems that school gets in the way of my fun, but I'll have to get through it somehow without having conflict with it as frequently. I'll figure it out soon. I'm sure of it.
Anyway, I was completely unsure of handing this in after I finished, because I turned it into somewhat of a rant and maybe it was a little bit too raw and abbrassive to be considered for a big assignment-type deal. Whatever. I handed it in regardless. I let Brian take a look at it one day last week. He thought it was another one of my ridiculous pieces and just went "ugh". Yeaahhhh.
After watching Casablanca, I was reminded of how naive some people can be when it comes to being in a relationship. I guess I’ll use teenagers as my example, considering I’m in a school surrounded by them and there’s hardly any escaping from their bullshit feelings that they have for their boyfriend or girlfriend of that month which they force upon you with a barrage of unwanted venting of sadness, confusion, and incompetence or a hail of head-over-heels nonsense.
I see many of these kids in relationships where it’s quite clear to me that they won’t last for a any long amount of time. Some of these people are just drawn together by their loneliness. Yeah, it’s great to find love, but so many kids are fooling themselves and they know it, but have such a hard time admitting it or never will. The idea of a lack of compatibility with their partner is a scary thought for some no matter how true it may be. I don’t mean that this applies to every teen in a relationship, but a great deal of them, no less.
I’ll use myself in an example, because sometimes this kind of stuff gets me to hate everyone and everything in this world for a little while, so to degrade myself along with everyone else, well, it seems just a bit more fair and permissible. Yes. I too am an idiot.
Anyway, let’s say that I meet a girl. Oooohhhh, how pretty she is. I go up to her and do my thing. Whether I make an ass of myself or not, we’ll declare that I win over this girl’s interest. This is super. Mighty damn super! I’m attracted to her and she’s attracted to me. Great. But we don’t really share any common interests. No big deal, right? As the days pass, all I can think about is her. When we get together and “hang out” sometimes things can be weird, because I’m trying to be the person I think she’ll like so that she’ll stay with me longer. Man, it can be kind of boring, but I’m still madly in love with her. Plus, we get to make out and shit, yo. I know we’ll be together for a long time. Maybe even move into an apartment together after we finish school. That’ll be sweet.
We’ve been together for two weeks now and things are a little slow, I guess. We haven’t spoken in three days. Still, I’m not worried one bit. She’s probably got some big project or test she’s studying for. Dude, I am so lucky to have her. Oh, by the way, I’m sort of running low on money. I don’t really have enough to buy her any more presents. I suppose I’ll have to start looking for a job somewhere in town. Hopefully, with this new job, I’ll be able to make enough to buy our apartment after we graduate.
She broke up with me! What the hell?! What did I do to deserve this?! (Pathetic sobbing)
I hate her! She’s stupid.
Oh man, I’d do anything to have her love me again.
Alright, so there was no crisis of conscience that took place. I didn’t gain or do anything that would make me see or understand what really happened and why, but that’s because I’m a fucking moron! Had I been even just wee bit more intelligent, I could have stepped back and said, “Whoa. Wait up. I like this girl a lot, but only because I think she’s very attractive. So, I think she’s cute. Ok. I know that much. It’s a nice start. Let me see. What else is there that’s going on that I otherwise would be too much of an idiot to admit is wrong with this whole thing? Ah! I don’t really know her that well and what I do know about her is that she likes a lot of stuff that I don’t care for and has certain views on various things that I don’t agree with. But I still think she’s damn cute. Hmm. Am I actually willing to compromise who I am and trick myself into thinking that this relationship could work out, solely because I think she’s a hotty? When is the next time I’ll have a girl this good looking interested in me? What am I even thinking?! We’re just kids with our entire lives ahead of us. I made a mistake. I should go ahead and take care of this in a very intellectual way and continue living my life and staying true to myself. I’ll wait to find a girl who’s cool and shares my interests. I’m sure I won’t have any problem with that if I maintain this mature and positive way of thinking. For now, I’m gonna’ have some good times with the people who really love me, my friends and family.”
It can take a whole lot of guts for someone to say this kind of thing to themselves and I commend anyone around my age that can be honest with themselves in a sticky situation such as this. Let’s face it, we’re just kids. We all have an entire life ahead of us and that means that there is plenty of time to wise up. To be more optimistic, I truly hope that someone who goes through this shit can at least make it out with some kind of lesson learned and knowledge that will help them in the future.
I got it handed back today with a shazzaming A+. Brian was hysterical for a few seconds when I showed it to him. Here's what my teacher had to say.
"I thought that this was a truly wonderful essay. You chose a topic that is a source of great confusion and conflict and analyzed it [with] marvelous insight and humor. This essay really struck a note in me because I remember (you made me remember) feeling this way. I also remember my son's conflicts re: this issue and my counsel(?) to him. It's so hard! You know what's best: being friends first and developing a relationship, but all around you there is that teenage angst about being complete only if you "have" someone. But I've seen your friendships with some of the girls and I know that you are the kind of honest, sincere man that they prefer to the shallow men. Take heart!
P.S. What a powerful author you are!"
It's seems that lately, I'm finally getting recognition and compliments (put in words) for who I am. It's not that I've been waiting for this stuff forever or look foward to it, but it's somewhat relieving to have people commend me on my efforts to be the best person I can possibly be; to know that it's appreciated and doesn't go unnoticed. At work I get this stuff coming at me all of the time, from my managers, co-workers, and bosses.
My job is only getting more ridiculous.
+Free sandwiches when I'm working. I can put whatever I want on them.
+Free fancy cheese cakes, pie, deserts, etc. if they're still standing after their 5-day run
+Free coffee and tea whenever.
+Free frozen, smoothy-like drinks from the guys working the bar
+My bosses bring in their cute doggy often. I can feed it carrot shavings. It's named WAFFLES!
+Co-workers are insanely cool.
+Being able to sing about a steel door cleaner, "Lazer Shine", in falsetto, really loud.
+Being able to call my bosses "Man", "Dude, and "Bro"
+My sometimes strange humor is widely accepted.
+Being able to print out whatever I want on reciepts. Prime Examples: -1 LG Hot Chocolate (Possibly poop in it......or dont) Whole Milk Whipped Cream -1 SM Frozen drink (add extra foreskin)
+Being able to play whatever music I want in the kitchen.
+20-50% discounts.
+Re-learning Spanish...very, very slowly.
+I look foward to going in and love working long hours.
Like I said, I can't believe I have this job. With the way it's going, I might be allowed to have the kitchen all to myself for my entire shift in a few months, rather than working with one other guy until things slow down in the evening. I still can't believe I actually get paid for this!!! Fucking ridic, man.
One of my managers, Sean, two weeks ago he was caught in a mess with one of the regulars who come in a few times a week. There are actually two of them. One's very tall and not attractive, the other is normal height, I guess, not that attractive, and has some sort of mental handicap. The latter of the two caught Sean off-guard while he was serving a table and asked him out. Like a confused monkey, he responded with something close to "Uhh, yeah...sure." He came into the kitchen and was buggin'. We spent the rest of the night coming up with ways on how to take care of this sticky situation. Here's what we thought up:
-Go out with her and get wasted so that she thinks he's a slob.
-Take her to a cracked-out neighborhood in Newark and possibly leave her there.
-Get AIDS so she won't touch him (hopefully) or so that he could give it to her.
-I'd have sex with her and then call the cops, having her arrested for fucking a minor.
It was nuts. She came in last week. And sparked up small conversation with him. He's being nice and going along with it, but he gets pretty anxious about her coming in with giant friend. He says that he'll take her out for a drink or something and that's all. It's become, what I call, FrumpFest '06. Surely this will unravel into something that we cannot even comprehend.
Oh! Wolf It Out's performance two Fridays ago. Good stuff. I had so much fun playing and crowdsurfing and seeing people dance. Thanks to you crazy weinerheads for comin' out. It means a lot. I can't wait to play more shows. And Chris, thanks for that first design. We're thinking of using that for shirts.
The Project Coffeehouse was on Wednesday. It went pretty damn well. Possibly the best one yet. Lots of musical acts this time around. I was planning on doing something with my friend/co-worker, Mark, but he was already performing two or three times, so I didn't know what I was going to do. We were going to originally improv a song about Lazer Shine, so I took some cardboard boxes and turned them into a mask and armor and drew "Lazer Shine" on the front and "Get Into It" on the back. When it was my turn to go on, I slowly walked through the crowd to get to the "stage". I could barely see out of the mask. I didn't want to trip over someone or something. I got to the front and just stood there. My mind was racing trying to think of what I could do. Nothing. I got nervous and kinda' anxious. I stood there for a couple of seconds and then I hear a roar of laughter. And then silence. I slightly move my arms, thinking that I'd do something, but I had nothing. It was fucking awkward. People kept laughing. It was fucking crazy how everyone was already crying and I did nothing but stand still for a minute. Then I decided to speak. I had a very soft voice and was the slightest bit hesitant about what I was going to say. I went on to say that I was "promoting Lazer Shine, the greatest cleaner product in the world" and "that everyone should use it.....I don't know where to get it. If anyone wants any, I could steal it from work." Mind you, this was some of the most awkward shit I've ever done and I'm so glad I had a cardboard mask on. People fucking LOLED, man. It was unbelievable. I had no idea what I was doing. The next day I was complimented so many times on what a great performance I put on and that I set a new standard, etc. I was even told that I resembled Leo Gallagher and Andy Kaufman. It really got me thinking that comedy/acting might be a new frontier for me to explore somewhere/sometime.
I hung out with Eden yesterday. I was in Journal Square and decided to give him a call out of nowhere. Luckily he wasn't doing anything, so I went over. We watched The Toxic Avenger II and some Voivod videos. Ate a very delicious dinner with his mom. It was a sweet time.
My life is so good. So, so good. It seems that school gets in the way of my fun, but I'll have to get through it somehow without having conflict with it as frequently. I'll figure it out soon. I'm sure of it.