please remember me, happily by the rosebush laughing with bruises on my chin,
in town briefly, not gone so long but the sea air trapezes in my formative years through aubrey's open top. i tell myself, this is one of the last nights driving by the ocean. and the fucking moon wasn't even out. i see cars parked on little sandy side streets, see the blue glow of a cd player and two bodies sitting next to each other but so far away. how many times have i done that? have we? i remember nights where i was held against will after curfew, fighting and crying and pounding the dashboard while the waves kissed the receding shore. an anniversary overlook and dancing to jimmy eat world. me, begging with him, fucking him, loving him more than i ever could love anyone anymore. i don't remember how i felt, but what it looked like. i look at old pictures, study old stupid journal entries, and that is not me. i watch memories like movies play over and over and over and after they're done, i feel sad but disconnected. what happened? not drugs or alcohol or sleeping with strangers. not growing up. what happened? i know now that i'll never know.
my roommate asks, "are you dead?" through text and i am so weak and tired that i feel like saying, "yes. please play the trapeze swinger at my funeral."
it feels good to be loved, but shitty not to love back. not in that way. how can so many people fall in love with a ghost? still be in love with a phantom? i am becoming more fleshed out with painkillers, books and wine and my friends. i am not addicted, but i've been suffering from withdrawal for years. can you not see me in your bed right next to you? below the posters, in front of the jolly roger. my soul is trapped in 2004. stuck in places that don't even exist, people i wouldn't recognize. i don't know.
i once wrote: "this town is the poison i never picked, and i want out. now."
i've been out. this world is poison. who would let that girl become so disillusioned? who would break her heart that was so open, eager, ravenous? who would leave her to fend for herself, be broken over and over and over, because she just loved too much? who would program thoughts of us against the world, then join the world and hit her in the cheap spots? over and over and over. and you wonder how i've acclamated. why i sleep next to a man who means nothing, why i snort powder off of text books and talk to people who may not be the most intellectual, but are certainly far more kind. i will never forgive you. i will never forget that night on the beach, or the day i lost everything. i will be heartbroken every time i think about you, about us and what we could have been. i left last, but you left first, and maybe you should have thought that through a little more. because you have given me the cornerstone and now i am just building up and crooked. and i am not sorry. i am sad. i am heartbroken. i tried. i gave it a shot. and nothing ever changed.
that man who tends bar, he was right. i am a fucking ghost.
but please remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all i wanted
those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains
the colored birds above there running
my roommate asks, "are you dead?" through text and i am so weak and tired that i feel like saying, "yes. please play the trapeze swinger at my funeral."
it feels good to be loved, but shitty not to love back. not in that way. how can so many people fall in love with a ghost? still be in love with a phantom? i am becoming more fleshed out with painkillers, books and wine and my friends. i am not addicted, but i've been suffering from withdrawal for years. can you not see me in your bed right next to you? below the posters, in front of the jolly roger. my soul is trapped in 2004. stuck in places that don't even exist, people i wouldn't recognize. i don't know.
i once wrote: "this town is the poison i never picked, and i want out. now."
i've been out. this world is poison. who would let that girl become so disillusioned? who would break her heart that was so open, eager, ravenous? who would leave her to fend for herself, be broken over and over and over, because she just loved too much? who would program thoughts of us against the world, then join the world and hit her in the cheap spots? over and over and over. and you wonder how i've acclamated. why i sleep next to a man who means nothing, why i snort powder off of text books and talk to people who may not be the most intellectual, but are certainly far more kind. i will never forgive you. i will never forget that night on the beach, or the day i lost everything. i will be heartbroken every time i think about you, about us and what we could have been. i left last, but you left first, and maybe you should have thought that through a little more. because you have given me the cornerstone and now i am just building up and crooked. and i am not sorry. i am sad. i am heartbroken. i tried. i gave it a shot. and nothing ever changed.
that man who tends bar, he was right. i am a fucking ghost.
Click to viewbut please remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all i wanted
those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains
the colored birds above there running