Personal Reflections
Alright, something that hasn't been bothering me for a while (thankfully), but finally emerged from somewhere deep inside me.
I'm angry at him again.
I saw him this morning, when my stupid driver tried to bring me around in circles from my place to Kamuning. I know you guys hate it when passengers send you in circles so I don't think you were lost because you didn't know the way. *grumbles*
He was sitting on the corner talking to someone and smoking. Well, I only had seconds to realize before my cab sped off so, there was no contact. I doubt he saw me.
So after a hectic morning of rushing to pass my papers at Ateneo before twelve, I did a lean-against-the-wall-very-tired-from-cramming move and breathed, then rushed out to grab a cab to do the rush-to-the-atm-to-grab-some-cash-for-lunch-before-time-in move and once again rushed into that wintry faculty room and just plopping my stuff on the bench and gulping down my food before dressing up for the baccaulareate mass. Man, i am so not wearing those killer shoes again, and i don't care if they look sexy! my feet died today because of those stillettos and im not one to relive painful truths. Which brings us back to my opening statment and the second paragraph of this post.
Right in the middle of the mass, i heard it whispering inside my head.
"Who cares about that idiot? He doesn't care for you, why should you offer your kindess to that asswipe? Stop thinkng about him and putting meaning into every insignificant link between the two of you. There's no two of you. There's just you, and you better deal with it."
My fists were clenching and it went on until i finished the commencement ceremonies. I was punching the bars in the jeep to vent it out and singing second to Kryptonite by Three Doors Down on my Muvo. I knew my brows were crossed as usual (my defensive stance when i take the jeep) but i knew it wasn't because i it was late and i decided to take the jeep instead of just cab home. i was hoping someone would text me for some happening before i got home. no one did.
I began to wonder if i will forever be single. My angsty and upset persona (that's Alex Striker) would begin the litany of me never finding him and just growing old alone and upset. I wonder if there's something wrong with me that make men in general not think of me as girlfriend material, that my being me will render me completely single until the day i day; that my DDR playing and GWing obsessions and crazy moments are not acceptable for women looking for a partner.
I look at my friends (crazy yaoi loving friends that they are, like me XP) who have lost and found love again. Maybe I'm jealous, maybe i just want the intimacy i don't know, but i guess it's also my fault that people don't come to me. because i have a wall up because i dont want to get hurt again. everyone has experienced hurt, but i seem to be taking longer than usual to put it down.
hanggang tingin na lang ako. hanggang ngiti na lang ako. Hanggang ganun na lang ba ako?
I shouldn't be angry at him. I just want to be friendly and decent with him.
But i guess im just a lady that isnt given a second thought because im not worth it.
T_T