The Decision I made a long time ago
I stare at my computer every night, most of the time doing unimportant stuff like surfing through social networking sites or tending to my city in cityville. If fate permits, I have a conversation about politics, Philippine laws or questioning the way people do things. For the past three years, I have devoted a huge amount of my personal time in completing what was then, the-thing-that-will-keep-my-parents-happy life decision which has now turned into the-thing-that-makes-me-feel-worthwhile life changing moment. I knew getting into this...thing I'm currently in, will change me. It sure cut my social life into a measly fraction of a percent, but sacrifices had to made, and I made this, knowing the price I had to pay. Countless cons, meet-ups, valid working days have been put on hold at the expense of this self-improvement strategy. Often I would gripe about it, often I would consider it a blessing, most of the time, I would ask the same question over and over: When will this end? When will my life begin? (Tangled turned it into a song, I turned it into a mantra)
Last night, as I stared at my thesis topic proposal like I did every night for the past week, I suddenly remembered you.
You, the reason why I chose this path. You, who I strive to prove wrong. You, who was the sacrifice I had to give up in order to go down this path.
I realized yesterday, that this moment was, once again, somehow related to you. My decisions for sticking to my principles and having to focus on what needed to be done versus what I wanted to do. I had to make that decision and I recall the days and nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering if I made the right decision, if my sacrifice was worth all this, if my sacrifice was worth losing you.
I smiled when I recalled all the good times we had, and I recall wishing it to be an everlasting thing. My illusions were broken when you left, and it has left me cynical, sad and constantly thinking things over. I take them all in stride.
Back then, as we discussed birthdays and summer plans, I never expected I would be here, and maybe I would never think of it, knowing it will occupy my time, time I could dedicate to you once I started working. That was cut short.
As my illusions faded into dreams and then faced with the bitter reality that you have left me years ago, I smiled to myself.
I realized last night, that even if you had a hand at pushing me to where I am, I am not angry that I chose to take this path, whether or not I admit you had something to do with this...ignoring the pain, if you will call it.
If I have to thank you for ruining my life, at that crazy love-induced moment---which I will never forget for it was such a wonderful time---it would be now. Thanks for the push.
Now I am here to prove. I am here to prove that I will finish this. I will prove to myself that even if you sort of pushed me into this, I choose to stay.
That will be my achievement and the achievement of all those who were with me during these times of my uncertainty.
I chose.I chose to prove to you a long time ago
That I was right
And I did nothing wrong.
Last night, as I stared at my thesis topic proposal like I did every night for the past week, I suddenly remembered you.
You, the reason why I chose this path. You, who I strive to prove wrong. You, who was the sacrifice I had to give up in order to go down this path.
I realized yesterday, that this moment was, once again, somehow related to you. My decisions for sticking to my principles and having to focus on what needed to be done versus what I wanted to do. I had to make that decision and I recall the days and nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering if I made the right decision, if my sacrifice was worth all this, if my sacrifice was worth losing you.
I smiled when I recalled all the good times we had, and I recall wishing it to be an everlasting thing. My illusions were broken when you left, and it has left me cynical, sad and constantly thinking things over. I take them all in stride.
Back then, as we discussed birthdays and summer plans, I never expected I would be here, and maybe I would never think of it, knowing it will occupy my time, time I could dedicate to you once I started working. That was cut short.
As my illusions faded into dreams and then faced with the bitter reality that you have left me years ago, I smiled to myself.
I realized last night, that even if you had a hand at pushing me to where I am, I am not angry that I chose to take this path, whether or not I admit you had something to do with this...ignoring the pain, if you will call it.
If I have to thank you for ruining my life, at that crazy love-induced moment---which I will never forget for it was such a wonderful time---it would be now. Thanks for the push.
Now I am here to prove. I am here to prove that I will finish this. I will prove to myself that even if you sort of pushed me into this, I choose to stay.
That will be my achievement and the achievement of all those who were with me during these times of my uncertainty.
I chose.I chose to prove to you a long time ago
That I was right
And I did nothing wrong.