How does that go again?
It seems I have forgotten how to read and write. Is it possible to regress so quickly to a 5th grade reading level? This is all so frustrating. If I happen to actually understand what I've read, my brain doesn't seem to be able to analyze the information to apply it into coherent sentences, let alone conversation. My therapist believes this is all stemming from anxiety. But most of the time, I have the concentration problems first, and the anxiety arises from the fear and worry that I'm an imbecile. So I take some drugs. Xanax to help me relax, Ritalin to help me concentrate, Ibuprofen to relieve the headaches, junk food to feel comforted, Buffy and Angel to distract my negative thoughts. None of it helps in the long-term. Getting off the Klonopin was the worst, and I have no regrets being off of the daily meds. It's hard to explain, especially when my memory is so distorted. Sometimes I feel as if I have an anti-addictive personality, meaning I am unable to do anything routinely. Why is it so difficult to just write in my journal everyday? It certainly would help with all of these problems, at least by giving me practice writing out my thoughts and documenting my moods.
So last night I stayed up late watching Angel episodes, then was restless and too warm to sleep. It was well after 3am when I finally slept, but I had to take Tylenol PM to sleep through the night. Side effect: unable to wake up until almost noon. I cleaned myself up and rode my bike to school. Headed straight for the cafeteria to quench my craving for pizza. Then I felt gross and brain-dead. So I continued my search for a good study spot. The search isn't going well. I stopped by a mini-computer lab and had to use a Mac. I normally have nothing against Macs, but the this one had it's USB ports in the keyboard. Seemed like a good idea, until I tried inserting my flash drive. The plastic holder on the drive prevented me from inserting it into the port because the space for the port is sooooo small. UGH. Maybe I should have gone into engineering so I could design more functional equipment.
Going off topic there, sorry. So I ran away from the lab to find a table to work on my paper at. Of course, all the tables are annoyingly wobbly. And in high traffic areas, thus full of noise. Listening to music didn't help either. I spent a good hour trying to come up with a thesis for my paper, but the question is so vague, I kept going in too many different directions. Then the anxiety set in, on high. I immediately medicated myself and tried to do something else productive to give that part of my brain a break. Anxiety increasing. What?! So I pull out my pocket stress relief list. Did some seated stretches. Nothing. Made a list. Counted. Tried singing along to my music in my head. Nothing. Went to the bathroom, just on the edge of falling apart. A little calmer, let's try the computer lab again. Yay! A free pc. I had considered bring my laptop to school, but it's heavy, so I didn't today. Definitely bringing it next week.
This school has a nice sized campus, but it seems to always be full of people. Not much relief for someone with major social anxiety here, but I realize I'm still not ready to return to the working world yet. It's still difficult accepting money from family, but I know I would do the same for them if the roles were reversed. Yes, I need this now, I just wish I had the jump-start out of depression that I'm used to having in the past. I know it got me into some bad situations before, but that feeling of confidence and power and accomplishment would be nice right about now. Not to mention using my time more efficiently, even if I don't get as much sleep. At least enough to get me exercising to boost my energy, and the slimming down would be nice too.
In other news, my 10 year high school "reunion" is this weekend. Most people I want to see are gathering at the homecoming game tomorrow night. Oddly enough, my brother will be at the game, as a current student. I wish everyone could go to the game that I want to see, but they aren't. And of course, it's the people who are coming from out of state. We were trying to figure out an alternative to Mondo's crappy reunion gathering on Saturday, but I'm not sure what we all can do, considering it is Ramadan and the muslims are fasting and don't drink. I was thinking of getting everyone to go to the zoo for the day, or maybe just having people over to my mom's, since she'll be gone for the weekend anyway.
Shite, it's time for me to go to class...looks like that paper just isn't going to get done. At least it isn't worth a lot.
So last night I stayed up late watching Angel episodes, then was restless and too warm to sleep. It was well after 3am when I finally slept, but I had to take Tylenol PM to sleep through the night. Side effect: unable to wake up until almost noon. I cleaned myself up and rode my bike to school. Headed straight for the cafeteria to quench my craving for pizza. Then I felt gross and brain-dead. So I continued my search for a good study spot. The search isn't going well. I stopped by a mini-computer lab and had to use a Mac. I normally have nothing against Macs, but the this one had it's USB ports in the keyboard. Seemed like a good idea, until I tried inserting my flash drive. The plastic holder on the drive prevented me from inserting it into the port because the space for the port is sooooo small. UGH. Maybe I should have gone into engineering so I could design more functional equipment.
Going off topic there, sorry. So I ran away from the lab to find a table to work on my paper at. Of course, all the tables are annoyingly wobbly. And in high traffic areas, thus full of noise. Listening to music didn't help either. I spent a good hour trying to come up with a thesis for my paper, but the question is so vague, I kept going in too many different directions. Then the anxiety set in, on high. I immediately medicated myself and tried to do something else productive to give that part of my brain a break. Anxiety increasing. What?! So I pull out my pocket stress relief list. Did some seated stretches. Nothing. Made a list. Counted. Tried singing along to my music in my head. Nothing. Went to the bathroom, just on the edge of falling apart. A little calmer, let's try the computer lab again. Yay! A free pc. I had considered bring my laptop to school, but it's heavy, so I didn't today. Definitely bringing it next week.
This school has a nice sized campus, but it seems to always be full of people. Not much relief for someone with major social anxiety here, but I realize I'm still not ready to return to the working world yet. It's still difficult accepting money from family, but I know I would do the same for them if the roles were reversed. Yes, I need this now, I just wish I had the jump-start out of depression that I'm used to having in the past. I know it got me into some bad situations before, but that feeling of confidence and power and accomplishment would be nice right about now. Not to mention using my time more efficiently, even if I don't get as much sleep. At least enough to get me exercising to boost my energy, and the slimming down would be nice too.
In other news, my 10 year high school "reunion" is this weekend. Most people I want to see are gathering at the homecoming game tomorrow night. Oddly enough, my brother will be at the game, as a current student. I wish everyone could go to the game that I want to see, but they aren't. And of course, it's the people who are coming from out of state. We were trying to figure out an alternative to Mondo's crappy reunion gathering on Saturday, but I'm not sure what we all can do, considering it is Ramadan and the muslims are fasting and don't drink. I was thinking of getting everyone to go to the zoo for the day, or maybe just having people over to my mom's, since she'll be gone for the weekend anyway.
Shite, it's time for me to go to class...looks like that paper just isn't going to get done. At least it isn't worth a lot.