Oct 11, 2006 22:40
Once I realized I was gay, I immediately began the coming out process. I'm a brutally honest person - not for any altruistic reason - because I can't be bothered keeping track of more than one reality. My motto is: It is what it is. I know I'm gay, so you should know too.
It wasn't easy. There was a lot of ground to cover.
Coming out when you're young - that's hard, because there are a lot of people who still feel like they have some say in who you are. People who are still trying to influence the adult you are becoming. People who still see you as someone who needs to be reminded to say thank you, to wear nice clothes, to get a good night's sleep. People who care, no matter how poorly they exhibit it, and who simply want to smooth you down so you'll slide through life a little easier. No doubt about it - being gay is a big, jagged, bump. Try to understand, yes some of it is certainly about them - how they will look, what they will say. But, most of it is about you - wanting the best, softest, easiest world for you to pass through. They will never realize how closely you're examining their every expression, their every word. They will never realize how much even the smallest hesitation hurts you. They can't see how they are causing the very thing they are trying to protect you from - making you feel different, bad, wrong for being gay. If they could ever truly understand how much it hurt you, they would never forgive themselves.
Coming out when you're older - that's hard because you've already been someone else for so long. People feel lied to. They feel betrayed, misled, confused. No one really believes that you didn't know, didn't lie, didn't misrepresent.
Hindsight forces me to say, of course I've always been gay. Straight girls don't have Charlie's Angels posters. Straight girls don't play tackle football (unless they're trying to get felt up...which leads to straight girls don't punch out guys who feel them up.) Straight girls know how to french braid hair. Straight girls find men sexually attractive.
It took me a while to figure out that I didn't like guys. I tried, I really did, but it simply wasn't there. Took me a while longer to realize that I do like girls. I never lied - I simply didn't know. All I can do now is be honest and stay honest - time is on my side.
Happy National Coming Out Day.
Live your life. Be who you are.
There is nothing wrong with you.