Brothers and Sisters fic, "Aftermath," part six (final)
In days to come, when your heart feels undone,
May you always find an open hand.
Take comfort wherever you can.
- Deb Talan, “Comfort”
Sarah waved goodbye to her daughter. She watched as Paige walked down the hallway of Kevin and Scotty’s apartment building and rang the bell with a mixture of confidence and trepidation. Kevin had called her early that morning and had begged her to bring Paige over. Apparently she had magic nail polish that was going to help Scotty start talking. Or something like that. It hadn’t made much sense to her, but if Kevin thought her daughter could help, then why not? There had been so many times when she had been sad or stressed out or just plain tired when one of her kids had given her a hug or done some other sweet little thing and it had made all the difference in the world. Sarah firmly believed in the restorative powers of children. But she wondered if that would be enough. Maybe Scotty was beyond the point where hugs and nail polish could make a difference. Maybe they all were.
She took the stairs down and made her way to her car. She got in and sat there for a moment. She felt like she was going to cry for no good reason. She laughed at that for a moment. She had a reason, she thought, a damn good reason.
~
Kitty ran a hand through her hair and sighed. She had forgotten what this felt like, ‘this’ being a vicious hangover with a side of soul-crushing guilt. Her husband was in a coma and she had spent the night drinking. What kind of wife was she? What kind of person?
It had made sense initially, Jason’s suggestion that she spend the night with her family. But after witnessing her brother’s meltdown she had grabbed a bottle of wine and retreated upstairs to her old bedroom and all pretense of spending time with her family was lost. After a few minutes Cooper had wandered into her room looking scared. She had pulled him into her arms and they had sat together until Sarah came to take him home. The rest of the night was a blur of wine and tears.
Now she was awake, it was a new day, and she had to face reality. How could Robert ever forgive her? She pondered the though for a minute, then laughed. Robert wouldn’t be able to forgive or not forgive her ever again. He was gone. The sooner she accepted that the better.
But he wasn’t gone. Not completely. A part of her husband was still there, and she should be with him. Kitty rolled out of bed and got dressed.
~
Scotty shifted nervously. He looked at Paige. She looked at him. He found himself wishing that Kevin were there. He had said that there was something he needed to do and left shortly after Paige arrived. “I don’t have to do your nails if you don’t want to. I mean, guys don’t usually wear nail polish, I get it.” She looked nervous. Scotty gave her a little smile and picked up the bag she had put on the coffee table. Scotty had known somewhere in the back of his mind that thirteen year old girls liked nail polish, but he wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of colors. Every color in the rainbow was represented. There were at least six shades of pink, three or four of red, and two blacks. Scotty figured he should go ahead and pick one. Maybe Paige was right about getting one’s nails done. It was an absurd idea, one that couldn’t possibly work, but it was worth a shot. If nothing else he’d get some time with his niece. He looked through the collection before settling on a bottle of clear polish. No need to go crazy. Paige looked disappointed.
“I respect your choice not to wear nail polish, but if you want to do this we have to do it right. Clear is not an option. That’s for putting on as a topcoat. Got it?” She was certainly Sarah’s daughter. Properly chastised, Scotty resumed the search. After several minutes he made his choice.
“Hot pink. Good choice.”
“Fuchsia.” Paige’s startled look matched his own surprise at hearing his voice. She smiled.
“Fuchsia.” She got to work. Scotty let her take the lead. He had never had his nails painted before, it wasn’t really his scene, but he had to admit he kind of liked it. It was oddly calming. After a minute or two Paige spoke.
“So that was really scary last night, what happened to Kevin?” Sneaky kid. She brushed over his silence and continued speaking. “I was really scared. I mean, I had never seen that happen to anybody. And Uncle Kevin well…he doesn’t like to lose control, does he? But Mom said it happens sometimes, and it isn’t anyone’s fault. She said it used to happen to him all the time in high school. I think he’s just overwhelmed, and really sad about Uncle Robert.” He voice faltered a little. She tried to regain her composure. “I’m sad too…I…” Suddenly there were tears in her eyes. “He’s not going to wake up, is he?” Scotty tried to think of something to say. He felt the same vague dread he had felt every time he wanted to speak since the accident. But Paige was just a kid; she needed someone to reassure her. She needed him to say something, anything. He desperately wished Kevin were there, or better yet, Sarah. He put an awkward arm around his niece. She put down the nail polish brush and looked at him. “And Holly doesn’t even recognize Rebecca, you’re barely talking, Grandma…isn’t grandma-ing everyone like she’s suppose to, and something’s wrong with Uncle Saul, but no one has bothered to tell me! What’s wrong with the world? What’s wrong with this family?” She shrugged off his arm. “And what was I thinking, coming here? That I could fix everything with pink nail polish? How stupid am I?” She stood up abruptly.
“Paige, stop.” His voice sounded awkward to his ears. She looked at him for a long moment, then sat back down. “I’m scared too. I’m terrified. I…I was sleeping when it happened. Kevin was driving, and I was asleep, then I wasn’t. I was awake, but I didn’t know what was going on…everything happened so fast. Before I even knew what had happened the car was upside down and…and it hurt. It’s all still a blur. So much was going on at once, I couldn’t process it. I just shut down.” Paige stared at him. “I was scared then, and I’m scared now. Yes, Robert might not wake up. Yes, Holly can’t recognize Rebecca. Yes, your grandma and Kevin and Saul are…struggling. So am I. But that’s ok Paige. We’ll get through it. I know that for sure.” Paige gave a tentative smile.
“It looks like you found your voice.”
“Maybe I just needed someone to ask right questions.” He smiled back. “Now you better finish my nails before Kevin gets home.”
~
Tommy looked around. It always felt a little weird, being in his old bedroom. The space was familiar, but the furniture and the placement felt slightly foreign. His mom had re-done the room in a neutral guest-bedroom-y fashion years ago. All his toys and posters had been relegated to boxes in the basement, and the room no longer looked like the refuge of his childhood. He felt out of place, awkward.
What was he supposed to do now? He had flown down the day before with no plans other than getting to his family as soon as possible, but now that he was there he didn’t know what to do with himself. Kitty had left that morning to go be with Robert, Sarah, Kevin, Justin, and Saul were at their respective homes, and Mom was downstairs in a keeping-to-herself mood.
It was strange, he thought, very un-Walkerlike. In a crisis Walkers stuck together. After his father’s death he hadn’t spent more than five minutes by himself for over a week. Every moment was spent with his family - comforting his mother, planning the funeral with Sarah and Saul, trying to keep Justin from drinking and drugging himself into oblivion, reminiscing with Kevin over a bottle of wine. Every Walker family crisis, before or since, had been like that. Not this one. Everyone seemed to be living with blinders on, oblivious to the world around them, seeing only their own suffering.
And Tommy didn’t blame them, but he wasn’t sure how he fit in. Should he go talk to his mother? Reassure Saul? Bring a bottle of something over to Sarah’s? Tell Kitty that Robert would be alright? See if Kevin had recovered from the night before? Go hang out with Justin and Rebecca? He didn’t know.
~
Kevin stared at the door. He waited, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other. After a few seconds his uncle appeared at the door. He looked at her through the glass for a moment, then opened it. “Kevin.” He said it calmly.
“I wanted to see how you were doing.” He offered his prepared line a little lamely.
“Come in.” He opened the door wider and stepped back to let him in. Once they had situated themselves on the sofa they looked at each other awkwardly. Saul broke the silence. “Are you feeling better?”
“I don’t know. Not really. I’m all over the place. Last night was…”
“It must have been terrifying.”
“It was, but I’m dealing with it.” He paused. “I didn’t come here to talk about me, Saul. You’re going through your own thing right now. I want you to know that I’m here for you.” He put a hand on top of Saul’s.
“That’s very sweet of you Kevin, but I’m fine. Really. And you seem pretty far away from fine. You should be at home in bed. You’re in no condition to be out and about.”
“Now it’s my turn to say ‘I’m fine.’” He fixed him with a pointed stare. “I mean it about as much as you do. Yes, I’m in pain, and I’m scared, but I had to come here. I had to talk to you.”
“Well, let me make you some coffee at least. You look like you could use it.”
“Thanks.” A few minutes later Saul handed him a mug. He wrapped his hands around it in a vain attempt to absorb some of the warmth. “Saul, I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I want you to know that I understand.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, Kevin, really I do. But I don’t see how you could possibly understand. You were just a kid; this isn’t real for you.” His tone had a hint of accusation to it. Kevin had known his uncle long enough to know that this was just his own fear and insecurity, his inability to let anyone in. He sighed. This was going to require a change of tack.
“Did I ever tell you about my first boyfriend?”
“I know about Brad.”
“Not him, this was well before that, and you wouldn’t know about him because I never told you. I never told anyone in the family.” He looked away for a moment, and ran a hand through his hair. “And he wasn’t my boyfriend, not really.” His voice softened. “His name was Jamie. We met my sophomore year; I was…almost twenty. I went downtown, to an ACT UP meeting, and he was there.”
“You went to an ACT UP meeting?” Saul was incredulous.
“Yes. I was…looking for somewhere to belong. I never felt like I was really a part of anything growing up; I thought I might find…something.”
“And did you?”
“It’s a story for another day. But I found Jamie.”
“And what happened?”
“We dated. Not seriously, but we saw each other a lot. He was my first real relationship, and it was special…special to me at any rate. After a few months we got into a fight…a stupid fight over nothing, and we broke up.” He paused. “Saul, I’m telling you this because I want you to know that I do understand. At least partially. Jamie was positive, there was an…incident, one time…I had reason to be concerned…more like scared shitless. I was convinced that I had been infected. I was so scared.” He looked up at him. “I thought my world was over. So I understand.” Saul was silent for a long moment.
“I didn’t know.” He said quietly. He looked away for a few seconds. “After you broke up…you never saw him again?” It was Kevin’s turn to look away.
“No.” He looked in Saul’s direction, but didn’t make eye contact.
“There’s something you’re not telling me.” Saul looked at his nephew; he seemed to be carefully considering what he was about to say.
“A few years later…I decided to get in touch with him. I called his apartment…” Kevin looked away and wiped away the few tears that were threatening to fall. “But...”
“He was dead.”
“Close.” He stood up abruptly and took a few steps away from the couch. He stopped and turned around. “I didn’t even go to visit him in the hospital.” He said quietly. Saul got the distinct impression that he was the first person to ever hear this story. “I didn’t have the balls.” He laughed derisively. “So I’m not as far removed from this as you think I am. I know you’re scared, but you are going to be ok.”
“How do you know?” Saul asked the blunt question. Kevin thought about it and shrugged.
“I don’t, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”
~
Rebecca poured the coffee. She brought the two mugs to the kitchen table where Justin was staring into space. “Was it really that bad?” She asked gently. Justin had come home late the night before and had all but refused to tell her about his evening with his family. He played with his mug for a moment.
“Yeah. Kind of.” He paused. “Us Walkers, we always manage, we always get through things. Mom just takes charge and…it happens. We’ve gotten through so much over the years, but this…I just don’t know if we’re going to get through this.” He looked at her and got up from the table. “Last night was bad.” He paced back and forth as he spoke. “Kitty is clearly not dealing with what happened to Robert, unless of course you count drinking as dealing. Saul has had a lifetime to perfect his ‘let’s pretend this isn’t happening’ approach to bad news, and he seems to be making good use of it. Scotty is practically shell-shocked, and Kevin…” His voice trailed off a little.
“What about Kevin?” She walked over to him a put a hand on his shoulder. She was experiencing a thousand emotions at once, and had been since the accident, but she forced herself to push them to the back of her mind. Justin needed her now. He had been there for her the last two days, a quiet, reassuring presence. Now it was her turn. He looked into her eyes and she could see the worry and concern hiding just under the surface.
“When I was a little kid I wasn’t scared of anything. I would climb trees and fences, race my bike down the street, dive off the highest diving board, whatever. There was only one thing in the world that truly frightened me.” He paused, as though he wasn’t sure how to continue the story. He opened and closed his mouth a few times as he tried to find the words. “I was still practically a baby when it happened the first time, maybe four or five…”
“When what happened?” She asked, not sure where he was going. He looked puzzled for a moment, then seemed to realize that he hadn’t explained himself well.
“Kevin used to have panic attacks when he was a teenager.” Rebecca nodded, understanding now. “It scared the living shit out of me. I…I didn’t know; didn’t understand what was going on. I just remember Kevin looking completely terrified, and Mom crying, and Dad yelling, and I just stood there. It went on for years before things got better, and every time all I wanted to do was run and hide.” He let out a long breath. “It happened last night, and I felt like I was six years old again. I stood there feeling like I wanted to hide; I should have been helping my brother! I’ve been the Walker go-to guy in a crisis for years, and I froze!
“It’s not your fault, Justin.” She said calmly. He looked at her and sighed.
“I know, but I can’t help feeling like I should have done something.”
“But Kevin was alright?”
“Yeah. Tommy calmed him down.”
“Then it doesn’t matter. Everything turned out ok.”
“But…” His voice trailed off. He sighed. “It just…it hasn’t happened in twenty years, and I never thought it would happen again. It just made me realize how messed up we all are. If that can happen to Kevin after all these years…then what hope can we have?”
“We have to have hope, Justin.” She tried to put as much conviction into her words as she could. He considered it for a moment and smiled.
“How did you get to be so strong?”
“I learned from you.”
~
Kevin hesitated. He stood in front of his apartment door, not sure if he wanted to go in. He took a deep breath and opened the door. He heard Paige’s voice in the kitchen, and he made his way towards it. He stood in the doorway and watched quietly for a moment. Scotty and Paige were working intently, baking what appeared to be chocolate chip cookies. After a moment he spoke. “Hey there.” Paige turned around and waved hello. Then Scotty turned.
“Hey sweetie.” He spoke softly, and a little hesitantly, but it was his voice. He stepped forward to kiss him. “You should have one of these cookies; they’re really good. Your niece has mad culinary skills.” Kevin looked momentarily stunned, then grinned.
“It’s so good to hear you voice.” And it was. Scotty looked more at ease than he had in days, still a little nervous maybe, but definitely calmer. They looked at each other for a moment then pulled each other into a tight hug. As they stepped back Kevin caught a glimpse of his husband’s fingers. “Nice nails.”
~
Nora walked into the pantry. She put the wine bottle and glass on the ground and sat down next to them. She poured herself a glass and drank. Good, that was the first step. She should be crying; it would happen any minute now. She would cry, one good last cry, and she would pull herself together. Then she would go to her children and pull this family back together.
Five minutes passed, then ten, then fifteen, and she wasn’t crying. She felt empty and lost, as she imagined all her children did. She sat there for hours. What was she going to do with herself? With her children? They had been through so much, and now this? Why? She had so many questions, and very few answers. And still she wasn’t crying. For the first time in her life, Nora Walker wanted to cry, but couldn’t.
~