(no subject)
since we have no internet connection and no money, i am reporting again from the nyu library. my tummy is like "wheeeeiierr." :/ i think this nerdy boy in glasses is totally catching glances at me, and just now my tummy went WOAR. oh holy shit the nerd just came and sat way closer to me for no reason. he must be attracted to digestive problems?
so, i think i determined i dont have the personality to make it in this city. i have some kind of social anxiety problems that don't really so much fit in here. the kind where instead of being friendly, communicative and warm, i mostly am silent and thinking about how worthless i am for having only stupid things to say and knowing i will be judged if i express any kind of ACCEPTANCE of anyone before they might express it first. i think this is why i never developed an eating or cutting type of disorder, because i have this amazing control in other areas of life.
so it's not like i decided i dont have the personality and im going home. i think part of the reason i came here is to fix what's broken there. it's like homework. if i am going to move forward in life from here, things need to change in a big way. i have been going in circles for years. i have everything i need to know intellectually, but cognitively things are not translating. my self-esteem is not acceptable anymore. i should be setting an example at this point, rather than feeling emotionally inferior to my younger friends. i wanna be hypnotized or something.
claire, emily and i went to the wambulance afterparty at this place called manhattans on monday. there was a fucking sectioned off vip area which we penetrated mostly just because we were so appalled. then we got some free vodka drinks because of it. talked about band/management/fan politics. last night the 5 of us (claire, emily, jay, lex0r, me) went to 7b and just took a lot of photobooth photos and talked about being a band. in the next couple weeks theres a blur show, the siren festival and three white stripes shows, then an adam green show. and some fever shows mixed in there. and maybe, just maybe a job? then i could actually enjoy it all.
i better go because lexi just texted me "dude" and we all know what that means.
so, i think i determined i dont have the personality to make it in this city. i have some kind of social anxiety problems that don't really so much fit in here. the kind where instead of being friendly, communicative and warm, i mostly am silent and thinking about how worthless i am for having only stupid things to say and knowing i will be judged if i express any kind of ACCEPTANCE of anyone before they might express it first. i think this is why i never developed an eating or cutting type of disorder, because i have this amazing control in other areas of life.
so it's not like i decided i dont have the personality and im going home. i think part of the reason i came here is to fix what's broken there. it's like homework. if i am going to move forward in life from here, things need to change in a big way. i have been going in circles for years. i have everything i need to know intellectually, but cognitively things are not translating. my self-esteem is not acceptable anymore. i should be setting an example at this point, rather than feeling emotionally inferior to my younger friends. i wanna be hypnotized or something.
claire, emily and i went to the wambulance afterparty at this place called manhattans on monday. there was a fucking sectioned off vip area which we penetrated mostly just because we were so appalled. then we got some free vodka drinks because of it. talked about band/management/fan politics. last night the 5 of us (claire, emily, jay, lex0r, me) went to 7b and just took a lot of photobooth photos and talked about being a band. in the next couple weeks theres a blur show, the siren festival and three white stripes shows, then an adam green show. and some fever shows mixed in there. and maybe, just maybe a job? then i could actually enjoy it all.
i better go because lexi just texted me "dude" and we all know what that means.