procrastination rambles
i don't think i'll ever be the type of person who can just RELAX. i spend my weeks going back and forth between whether i think it's a good thing or a really bad thing to be so anal OCD. right now i'm feeling the latter... otherwise i probably wouldn't be updating.
life has actually been really good for the past month up until last week when i had a gazillion things to do. being stressed promotes overanalyzing and too much thinking. i promised myself before i left to europe that i was going to be done with all my crazy emo bullshit. the trip was a good thing for me... a REALLY good thing. and not just because it's fucking awesome to be able to spend a month in europe but because it gave me enough distance to put things into perspective. for a number of reasons i was really depressed and constantly making things worse by trying to FORCE everything. i was in this weird state where i felt like everything was spinning out of my control and the more i tried to get back control, the more i fucked myself over. once i fell into that hole nothing was satisfying... not even being with my friends and family or going out or anything. i was completely BLAH for lack of a better word and seriously ready to punch a couple of certain someones in the face. i bit my tongue so many times out of fear of making things worse. but as we all know for me to hold back saying anything is the hardest thing in the world. after a while i just wanted those people who i was having problems with to at least UNDERSTAND what the problem was, even if they didn't agree with me. i felt like i was having the same stupid arguments over and over again and resolving nothing. this in turn made me more bitter and bitchy with everyone else. hence why my mother stopped speaking to me for an entire week. i know it was childish as fuck of her, but i also know i was being a huge pain in the ass. it totally broke my heart though even if i was kind of asking for it. we hadn't been getting along for weeks. it wasn't our typical bullshit bickering either... it was crazy arguments that i hadn't experienced with her for years. when we started speaking again she told me "i just don't know what to do with you. i try to give you everything but you're never happy... nothing's ever enough for you". i felt so bad because it's so true.
thinking about everything now i can surely see how i could have avoided being in a lot of those situations. they were all based on a lot of unrealistic expectations and empty promises and me trying to stop the inevitable. and not just the one main situation i guess but a lot of random little problems i was having with friends and family too. believing they were something they were not and telling myself i was ok with it. i'm not a head in the clouds sort of girl but like everyone i do get really caught up sometimes. the truth is a lot of times when things seem too good to be true, they usually are. i had this whole gameplan worked out and it failed miserably. i should have abandoned ship from the getgo. i feel really stupid looking back on it but at the time i wanted to take a chance. i told myself i was going to end up a spinster if i didn't start taking some risks. i had this huge wall up for as long as i could remember and i thought maybe it was time for a change. WRONG. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. i had just been so disappointed by people in general for such a long time that i told myself i was the problem. that i'm too much of a bitch, that i'm too harsh, that i don't give people chances. i'm unapproachable and irritable and crazy. i'm not saying those things aren't true or that they're not a problem, just that they're not as bad as i was making them out to be. so when i tried to take a different approach and i still failed, i was pretty disappointed. i tried to "go with the flow" just to end up more miserable than i would've been if i had used my usual nazi control freak system.
i was at the lowest of lows when my summer took a slight turn in the right direction. i really was at the point where i thought i didn't deserve happiness... ever. these thoughts in part i think stemmed from the birth control i was on at the time. while i had had a lot of that "cheer up, it's all going to be ok" sort of consoling from a lot of people over the course of a couple of months, it wasn't making any difference. i needed more than that. i needed someone to be straight up with me and really mean it. this came from an unexpected source, which is almost always the case. my friends are never going to be like "listen the problem isn't you, you're awesome" because they know better than to stroke my ego and that's simply just not our style. i actually think i would be mega creeped out if that ever happened. but i got the advice i needed. "just be you... when you're comfortable with who you are you'll be able to find the right guy". obviously there was more to it than that but i guess that's the general gist of it. it's amazing how something so simple set a light bulb off in my head. it definitely eased my mind a bit which was shortly followed by a reconciliation and an establishment of "just friends" guidelines. while the guidelines didn't take away the feelings, life went back to (almost) normal.
so i've just been thinking... could it really be that simple? if i just relaxed a little bit while still staying true to myself could i actually be happy? cuz after all the bullshit we go through, shouldn't we try to make things easy whenever we can? i've been happily distracted and relatively chill for the past month but i see myself reverting back to my old ways. getting myself into dangerous situations where i may end up hurt. my automatic response is to run. i just recently came to terms with my last bullshit non-relationship, do i really want to go there again? sure it's fun and exciting and everything but how long is that going to last? am i just setting myself up to get fucked over again? am i wasting my time? the answer to all those questions is i really don't know. at this point in my life i seriously have NO CLUE what the future holds for me. it's scary as fuck but i think it's normal for people my age who are getting close to stepping into the "real world" to be confused and clueless.
so for now the only solution i can think of is to do what i was told and just relax, be myself, and have fun. it's my last year in college and to be honest thinking all this through so much can only bring problems when my expectations aren't met. the real world is totally different than what goes on behind closed doors. what things may be today are not what they will be tomorrow. i'm taking everything with a grain of salt until i find a person that has fully proven to be worth my time. why go out of my way for people that don't deserve it. i'd really much rather be a bitch than a sucker. so the wall? yeah, it's definitely staying up until further notice. it just wouldn't be me without it.
life has actually been really good for the past month up until last week when i had a gazillion things to do. being stressed promotes overanalyzing and too much thinking. i promised myself before i left to europe that i was going to be done with all my crazy emo bullshit. the trip was a good thing for me... a REALLY good thing. and not just because it's fucking awesome to be able to spend a month in europe but because it gave me enough distance to put things into perspective. for a number of reasons i was really depressed and constantly making things worse by trying to FORCE everything. i was in this weird state where i felt like everything was spinning out of my control and the more i tried to get back control, the more i fucked myself over. once i fell into that hole nothing was satisfying... not even being with my friends and family or going out or anything. i was completely BLAH for lack of a better word and seriously ready to punch a couple of certain someones in the face. i bit my tongue so many times out of fear of making things worse. but as we all know for me to hold back saying anything is the hardest thing in the world. after a while i just wanted those people who i was having problems with to at least UNDERSTAND what the problem was, even if they didn't agree with me. i felt like i was having the same stupid arguments over and over again and resolving nothing. this in turn made me more bitter and bitchy with everyone else. hence why my mother stopped speaking to me for an entire week. i know it was childish as fuck of her, but i also know i was being a huge pain in the ass. it totally broke my heart though even if i was kind of asking for it. we hadn't been getting along for weeks. it wasn't our typical bullshit bickering either... it was crazy arguments that i hadn't experienced with her for years. when we started speaking again she told me "i just don't know what to do with you. i try to give you everything but you're never happy... nothing's ever enough for you". i felt so bad because it's so true.
thinking about everything now i can surely see how i could have avoided being in a lot of those situations. they were all based on a lot of unrealistic expectations and empty promises and me trying to stop the inevitable. and not just the one main situation i guess but a lot of random little problems i was having with friends and family too. believing they were something they were not and telling myself i was ok with it. i'm not a head in the clouds sort of girl but like everyone i do get really caught up sometimes. the truth is a lot of times when things seem too good to be true, they usually are. i had this whole gameplan worked out and it failed miserably. i should have abandoned ship from the getgo. i feel really stupid looking back on it but at the time i wanted to take a chance. i told myself i was going to end up a spinster if i didn't start taking some risks. i had this huge wall up for as long as i could remember and i thought maybe it was time for a change. WRONG. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. i had just been so disappointed by people in general for such a long time that i told myself i was the problem. that i'm too much of a bitch, that i'm too harsh, that i don't give people chances. i'm unapproachable and irritable and crazy. i'm not saying those things aren't true or that they're not a problem, just that they're not as bad as i was making them out to be. so when i tried to take a different approach and i still failed, i was pretty disappointed. i tried to "go with the flow" just to end up more miserable than i would've been if i had used my usual nazi control freak system.
i was at the lowest of lows when my summer took a slight turn in the right direction. i really was at the point where i thought i didn't deserve happiness... ever. these thoughts in part i think stemmed from the birth control i was on at the time. while i had had a lot of that "cheer up, it's all going to be ok" sort of consoling from a lot of people over the course of a couple of months, it wasn't making any difference. i needed more than that. i needed someone to be straight up with me and really mean it. this came from an unexpected source, which is almost always the case. my friends are never going to be like "listen the problem isn't you, you're awesome" because they know better than to stroke my ego and that's simply just not our style. i actually think i would be mega creeped out if that ever happened. but i got the advice i needed. "just be you... when you're comfortable with who you are you'll be able to find the right guy". obviously there was more to it than that but i guess that's the general gist of it. it's amazing how something so simple set a light bulb off in my head. it definitely eased my mind a bit which was shortly followed by a reconciliation and an establishment of "just friends" guidelines. while the guidelines didn't take away the feelings, life went back to (almost) normal.
so i've just been thinking... could it really be that simple? if i just relaxed a little bit while still staying true to myself could i actually be happy? cuz after all the bullshit we go through, shouldn't we try to make things easy whenever we can? i've been happily distracted and relatively chill for the past month but i see myself reverting back to my old ways. getting myself into dangerous situations where i may end up hurt. my automatic response is to run. i just recently came to terms with my last bullshit non-relationship, do i really want to go there again? sure it's fun and exciting and everything but how long is that going to last? am i just setting myself up to get fucked over again? am i wasting my time? the answer to all those questions is i really don't know. at this point in my life i seriously have NO CLUE what the future holds for me. it's scary as fuck but i think it's normal for people my age who are getting close to stepping into the "real world" to be confused and clueless.
so for now the only solution i can think of is to do what i was told and just relax, be myself, and have fun. it's my last year in college and to be honest thinking all this through so much can only bring problems when my expectations aren't met. the real world is totally different than what goes on behind closed doors. what things may be today are not what they will be tomorrow. i'm taking everything with a grain of salt until i find a person that has fully proven to be worth my time. why go out of my way for people that don't deserve it. i'd really much rather be a bitch than a sucker. so the wall? yeah, it's definitely staying up until further notice. it just wouldn't be me without it.