thoughts on life
i'm trying to force myself back into the swing of things, but it's been tricky. it's kind of sad when i stop and think about how hard i have to try just to do simple things like hang out with people and not kill them in the process. i've come to accept it because i've realized that feeling this way is something i really can't help. so i try to be patient, and i bite my tongue, and i remind myself that i can't let the fury take over. i do this in hopes that my feelings will change... and they have... a little bit. i know the effort will pay off when a couple of months down the line i'm over this and can smile about the fact that my friendships are still intact. while i sometimes act a fool, i can still at least appreciate my ability to think rationally and not let the chemical imbalances take over. there's nothing more offensive than when people blow up at you over petty, insignificant things. these days, i feel like doing that all the time, but i usually don't, because i know that in getting mad over something so stupid, i'm the one with the problem, not the other person. i try to keep it cool because that might be one of the things i hate most about people. when they take everything personal or play the victim "why is it always me" card. it's always you because you let it be. because you did something to deserve it. because you're insecure or in denial. because you don't like to hear the truth. because you're full of shit. i often second guess my friendships with people who can't accept these things. like everyone else, i have tons of flaws, but i know what they are, and i can admit that it makes me a pain in the ass at times. if everyone else could also do that or stop skewing their perception of reality, things would be a lot less complicated. and life, after all the bullshit we go through, should really be kept as simple as possible.
no matter how hard i try, i know i'll be spending the rest of my life going through occasional phases where i need to shut out the world. i've always been told i'm too mature for my age but it's more apparent and frustrating now that i'm almost a real adult. i feel like i'm trying to move forward, grow, and continue maturing while most other people are simply not. it's amazing to see how many people my age and older still have such a high school and even middle school mentality. and even at that, i was probably more mature then than they are now. i'll always need a break from people because i just look at the world so differently from almost everyone else. it may be bad, or maybe being realistic will pay off in the end, but i simply refuse to live a lie. i don't believe in fairy tales or prince charming or happy endings. i never did as a kid, and i won't start now. when things are tough, i don't have a delusional fantasy land to escape to and forget everything. i don't believe things are handed to people on silver platters and that everything resolves itself and magically works out in the end. i really believe that people who are truly happy, not fictionally happy, work at it every day. and that's all i want, REAL happiness. because i'd rather be unhappy in the real world than living in a storybook.
no matter how hard i try, i know i'll be spending the rest of my life going through occasional phases where i need to shut out the world. i've always been told i'm too mature for my age but it's more apparent and frustrating now that i'm almost a real adult. i feel like i'm trying to move forward, grow, and continue maturing while most other people are simply not. it's amazing to see how many people my age and older still have such a high school and even middle school mentality. and even at that, i was probably more mature then than they are now. i'll always need a break from people because i just look at the world so differently from almost everyone else. it may be bad, or maybe being realistic will pay off in the end, but i simply refuse to live a lie. i don't believe in fairy tales or prince charming or happy endings. i never did as a kid, and i won't start now. when things are tough, i don't have a delusional fantasy land to escape to and forget everything. i don't believe things are handed to people on silver platters and that everything resolves itself and magically works out in the end. i really believe that people who are truly happy, not fictionally happy, work at it every day. and that's all i want, REAL happiness. because i'd rather be unhappy in the real world than living in a storybook.