failure
i wish i was the type of person who could just let things blow over, but i'm not. i dwell and dwell and at the end of the day, i blame myself for everything. for not being careful, for not putting people in their place, for letting myself believe things i knew weren't true. for letting opportunities pass me by, for not going after the things i wanted, for being such a failure.
in the past month i've over-analyzed every minute detail of my existence and realized i'm not happy with almost any of the choices i've made for a very long time. when i stop to think about why i made those decisions it was mostly out of convenience or because i had faith in something/someone else. everyone disappoints others, so i'm not placing blame. i know i've probably disappointed people hundreds of times. but i've come to realize, as much as people say they will do things or will change, they don't. and things don't just work themselves out, you actually have to try, and i have never believed in myself enough to be able to try. the past 3 years of my life have flown in the blink of an eye. although i have grown and matured in many ways, i still find myself just as confused, empty, and lost as i was then. i'm just scared that in another 3 years, i'll still be feeling that way.
so at the moment, i'm having a hard time trusting people, myself included. i really need to figure out what i want, since i really don't know, and figure out how to get whatever that may be. it's not personal with 90% of you (though with some, it is) but i've already begun to withdraw and i know it's only going to get worse from here on out. so for a while, i'm hoping to spare you guys from my bitterness. with others, i'm just hoping to spare myself from being in your company. the contact i do choose to have will be whenever i feel i can handle it or need it (i am human, after all). besides, i know if i don't at least try to be with people (other than work) from time to time i'll never pull myself out of this.
in the past month i've over-analyzed every minute detail of my existence and realized i'm not happy with almost any of the choices i've made for a very long time. when i stop to think about why i made those decisions it was mostly out of convenience or because i had faith in something/someone else. everyone disappoints others, so i'm not placing blame. i know i've probably disappointed people hundreds of times. but i've come to realize, as much as people say they will do things or will change, they don't. and things don't just work themselves out, you actually have to try, and i have never believed in myself enough to be able to try. the past 3 years of my life have flown in the blink of an eye. although i have grown and matured in many ways, i still find myself just as confused, empty, and lost as i was then. i'm just scared that in another 3 years, i'll still be feeling that way.
so at the moment, i'm having a hard time trusting people, myself included. i really need to figure out what i want, since i really don't know, and figure out how to get whatever that may be. it's not personal with 90% of you (though with some, it is) but i've already begun to withdraw and i know it's only going to get worse from here on out. so for a while, i'm hoping to spare you guys from my bitterness. with others, i'm just hoping to spare myself from being in your company. the contact i do choose to have will be whenever i feel i can handle it or need it (i am human, after all). besides, i know if i don't at least try to be with people (other than work) from time to time i'll never pull myself out of this.