Reflections
Since its getting close to the end of the year, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Not just about the past year, but about the past several. It occurs to me that January 2006 will be four years since I've been on Livejournal. Four years seems to be a standard time period in our society for a lot of things--the time it takes most people to get a degree, the length of the presidential election cycle, and so forth. And so, its interesting at this point in my life to look back, to see how far I've actually come and to look forward to what's ahead not with a sense of dread as I would have before, but with a sense of optimism, anticipation, and even exhileration. Looking back, it has been one hell of a journey in that time. I was still living in Cleveland when I made my first entries and since then, my life has taken me to Pennsylvania, to Raleigh, and finally here to Chapel Hill. Geographically, emotionally, politically--everything has changed in the past four years and with only a few minor exceptions (such as Lexy's death), those changes have been for the better.
There's a concept in baseball called "seeing the ball". The depth of what it really means is fairly hard to put into words. It means that everything comes together for you as a hitter: mechanics, knowledge, skill, athleticism, everything. It means that you're in a groove and feel like you can't possibly fail. Your mind's eye almost literally slows the ball down for you so that you're able to make contact and put the ball into play. Of course, this concept has translations into other sports as well: the quarterback who can read a defense so well that he can put the ball right into the hands of whatever receiver he wants or the basketball player on a hot streak who can't miss a shot. And of course, the concept exists in life as well. Its the moment when there's that "click" in your mind that causes everything you've ever learned and experienced to suddenly make sense. Its that moment when you see everything clearly and have no doubt that you're up to the tasks at hand. Of course, this is basically all in the mind.
And that's where I feel like I am right now. That's why I am looking forward to next year and to the many years after that. That's why I am enjoying living life again. See, when I first started writing in Livejournal, I was still largely lost. It'd been less than a year since I left my ex-fiancee because of the fact that I came to realize that her and her family had all the wrong priorities, that they defined success based on what you had and how many things you owned and who you knew as opposed to who you are. I realized that much, but I had no idea what came after it. Up until that point, I'd bought into that idea of success. I thought that what I (we) really wanted was a nice house in the suburbs with a couple of nice cars in the garage, a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a small yippy dog. Politically, I was fairly centrist, first a Democrat and later a Republican; I had my views on things but I didn't truly make them personal values.
Oh sure, I did a little volunteer work here and there, such as handing out fliers for the McCain presidential campaign. I kept up with the news. But it was all abstract to me and the truth is that I didn't particularly care about much beyond myself. Regarding Bush, I figured he would just be another inconsequential moderate like his dad--and I wasn't a fan of Gore at all. I didn't particularly give a damn about gay rights, I thought feminism was the refuge of a bunch of lunatic crackpots who hated all men, and while I was something of an environmentalist in the abstract, I didn't care much one way or another. I certainly never noticed those at the margins of society, never noticed or cared about the plight of minorities or women or gays, never gave much thought to the homeless people I would drive past every day. In short, I had ideas I paid lip service to, and although I was never anywhere close to a rabid foaming at the mouth right wing activst (since I thought they were just as looney as the left wing activists), I generally agreed with the conservative mindset. Because lets be honest, much as we don't want it to be true, there is often a certain appeal to a philosophy whose basic tenet is "Its all about me and to hell with everything else".
I certainly was not a spiritual person at all. I was all about materialism in every sense of the word. That is, up until the point where I started asking myself hard questions. I hadn't even made a conscious decision to do that; the questions simply started floating around my brain. I'd have turned it off if I could have. I started wondering whether this was truly all there was in life, the pursuit of more and more and more things. Pretty soon, it became a full-fledged crisis of conscience which I guess came to a head when I had the chance to enter a management training program for Wal-Mart and as part of our orientation program, we were shown a video about union-busting. That bothered me, since my father had gotten his start in politics through union organizing and I was from one of the most heavily unionized cities in America. I walked out and pretty soon ended up having a full fledged crisis of conscience about my whole life. Pretty soon, my life as I'd known it came crashing down. And the thing is, I no longer believe that was an accident. I was on the wrong path and needed to redirect my life. Over the past five years, I have done that and I have absolutely no regrets.
Since this is rather long now and I'm suddenly lacking for time, I'll have to pick it up again later.
There's a concept in baseball called "seeing the ball". The depth of what it really means is fairly hard to put into words. It means that everything comes together for you as a hitter: mechanics, knowledge, skill, athleticism, everything. It means that you're in a groove and feel like you can't possibly fail. Your mind's eye almost literally slows the ball down for you so that you're able to make contact and put the ball into play. Of course, this concept has translations into other sports as well: the quarterback who can read a defense so well that he can put the ball right into the hands of whatever receiver he wants or the basketball player on a hot streak who can't miss a shot. And of course, the concept exists in life as well. Its the moment when there's that "click" in your mind that causes everything you've ever learned and experienced to suddenly make sense. Its that moment when you see everything clearly and have no doubt that you're up to the tasks at hand. Of course, this is basically all in the mind.
And that's where I feel like I am right now. That's why I am looking forward to next year and to the many years after that. That's why I am enjoying living life again. See, when I first started writing in Livejournal, I was still largely lost. It'd been less than a year since I left my ex-fiancee because of the fact that I came to realize that her and her family had all the wrong priorities, that they defined success based on what you had and how many things you owned and who you knew as opposed to who you are. I realized that much, but I had no idea what came after it. Up until that point, I'd bought into that idea of success. I thought that what I (we) really wanted was a nice house in the suburbs with a couple of nice cars in the garage, a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a small yippy dog. Politically, I was fairly centrist, first a Democrat and later a Republican; I had my views on things but I didn't truly make them personal values.
Oh sure, I did a little volunteer work here and there, such as handing out fliers for the McCain presidential campaign. I kept up with the news. But it was all abstract to me and the truth is that I didn't particularly care about much beyond myself. Regarding Bush, I figured he would just be another inconsequential moderate like his dad--and I wasn't a fan of Gore at all. I didn't particularly give a damn about gay rights, I thought feminism was the refuge of a bunch of lunatic crackpots who hated all men, and while I was something of an environmentalist in the abstract, I didn't care much one way or another. I certainly never noticed those at the margins of society, never noticed or cared about the plight of minorities or women or gays, never gave much thought to the homeless people I would drive past every day. In short, I had ideas I paid lip service to, and although I was never anywhere close to a rabid foaming at the mouth right wing activst (since I thought they were just as looney as the left wing activists), I generally agreed with the conservative mindset. Because lets be honest, much as we don't want it to be true, there is often a certain appeal to a philosophy whose basic tenet is "Its all about me and to hell with everything else".
I certainly was not a spiritual person at all. I was all about materialism in every sense of the word. That is, up until the point where I started asking myself hard questions. I hadn't even made a conscious decision to do that; the questions simply started floating around my brain. I'd have turned it off if I could have. I started wondering whether this was truly all there was in life, the pursuit of more and more and more things. Pretty soon, it became a full-fledged crisis of conscience which I guess came to a head when I had the chance to enter a management training program for Wal-Mart and as part of our orientation program, we were shown a video about union-busting. That bothered me, since my father had gotten his start in politics through union organizing and I was from one of the most heavily unionized cities in America. I walked out and pretty soon ended up having a full fledged crisis of conscience about my whole life. Pretty soon, my life as I'd known it came crashing down. And the thing is, I no longer believe that was an accident. I was on the wrong path and needed to redirect my life. Over the past five years, I have done that and I have absolutely no regrets.
Since this is rather long now and I'm suddenly lacking for time, I'll have to pick it up again later.