Really? Only 10?
I just thought I remembered having gotten a livejournal in High School. AND I JUST WENT TO MY 10 YEAR REUNION. It was fun. Weird, but fun. Note to self: Don't bring Jeff to anything ever again. I think I used to not notice what a terrible time he had when I dragged him places, but now it ruins my night. I'm hoping that means I'm shedding some of my co-dependant tendencies, but I'm still really new at all this "being complete on my own" junk, so we'll see how it all turns out.
I'm learning new things about myself every day now. I've learned that it's ok to remember everything, but if I still resent things that happened in my past that they are dragging me down. My whole life I've felt like I couldn't catch up with my life. Like I'm trying to jump on a moving train that is going just a little to fast (I know I blogged about that... the train incident... only that was fun, my life usually isn't). I haven't felt like I could do anything to make the train go slower and always felt like if only I could be a little better, a little stronger, a little more faithful I'd catch the train and be able to get on board with my life. I've always been running late. Always procrastinating. Always hoping that just one thing would be different, and then everything would be beautiful and perfect. A few times I thought I had gotten on: when I got married, graduated, bought a house, had kids... But the satisfaction was always short-lived. Something always added on and there was another train to try to catch: have a healthy marriage, be an actual teacher, have the perfect house, be a perfect mother...
About 9 months ago Ben bullied me into a 12 step program for people like me. Basically, I'm addicted to my husband, my kids, to control, to achievement... it's harder to pinpoint than externals like drugs, but every bit as insidious and destructive. I began to give up my huge issues with 12 step programs, got a sponsor and began to grow. A few weeks ago, on my way to a meeting, I had the vision of chasing the train. I was in the drudges of my 4th step "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" during which I was writing down all my resentments. Everyone I have ever resented for anything (it's about 10 pages long). I realized that it's not something wrong with me that keeps me from catching the train, it's all the bags I'm carrying. Hundreds of them. Heavy, rotting, festering, weighing me down.
I'm not able to let go of the bags yet. I'm not able to let go of them on my own. I need the leading and strength of God, the care and support of my friends and I need to finally believe in myself.
Which, after all this time doubting myself, is really weird. And I'm definitely not doing it quickly or gracefully, but I'm doing it. I'm changing. I'm becoming my own person, useful and happy and unfettered.
It's pretty freaking amazing.
I'm learning new things about myself every day now. I've learned that it's ok to remember everything, but if I still resent things that happened in my past that they are dragging me down. My whole life I've felt like I couldn't catch up with my life. Like I'm trying to jump on a moving train that is going just a little to fast (I know I blogged about that... the train incident... only that was fun, my life usually isn't). I haven't felt like I could do anything to make the train go slower and always felt like if only I could be a little better, a little stronger, a little more faithful I'd catch the train and be able to get on board with my life. I've always been running late. Always procrastinating. Always hoping that just one thing would be different, and then everything would be beautiful and perfect. A few times I thought I had gotten on: when I got married, graduated, bought a house, had kids... But the satisfaction was always short-lived. Something always added on and there was another train to try to catch: have a healthy marriage, be an actual teacher, have the perfect house, be a perfect mother...
About 9 months ago Ben bullied me into a 12 step program for people like me. Basically, I'm addicted to my husband, my kids, to control, to achievement... it's harder to pinpoint than externals like drugs, but every bit as insidious and destructive. I began to give up my huge issues with 12 step programs, got a sponsor and began to grow. A few weeks ago, on my way to a meeting, I had the vision of chasing the train. I was in the drudges of my 4th step "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" during which I was writing down all my resentments. Everyone I have ever resented for anything (it's about 10 pages long). I realized that it's not something wrong with me that keeps me from catching the train, it's all the bags I'm carrying. Hundreds of them. Heavy, rotting, festering, weighing me down.
I'm not able to let go of the bags yet. I'm not able to let go of them on my own. I need the leading and strength of God, the care and support of my friends and I need to finally believe in myself.
Which, after all this time doubting myself, is really weird. And I'm definitely not doing it quickly or gracefully, but I'm doing it. I'm changing. I'm becoming my own person, useful and happy and unfettered.
It's pretty freaking amazing.