Something Terrible Happened
Something terrible happened. On Thursday a mentally ill man walked into my workplace and shot a bunch of people, injuring four people who I know and killing a really, really nice kid I'd met once or twice and whose death is the biggest fucking tragedy I've ever heard. I'm not doing so great. A lot of people aren't doing so great.
This is so fucking unreal.
When the alert went out, it just said that there was an active shooter at Western Psych but not which building. I was at my (now former) regular job at Bellefield rather than at the main building. I called the DEC (psych ER) to see where the shooting was happening, and Christine picked up and sounded so terrified and I knew the shooter was over there. They put our building on lockdown as well because there were rumours of a second shooter and they couldn't find him and they were worried he was headed over to start shooting us. It was horrible. We didn't know what was going on, and I didn't know if my friends here at the DEC were OK or not. I kept getting messages about who was hurt and who wasn't. Someone told me that one of my favourite safety officers had been killed (thankfully it turns out that he wasn't even in the building). Then the news confirmed that someone had been killed and I was so scared it was Kathy because Kathy sits in the lobby and she would have been the first person the shooter went after. And she was, but fortunately she survived.
And it could have been me. I sit behind that desk sometimes. I work in the ER and could have been shot when the guy fired into the DEC. If he'd come a different day or time... If he'd waited just a few days, I'd have been here working when he came. And I feel like it should have been me working in the lobby, because maybe I could have stopped him, or somehow it'd be better for me to be hit than Kathy. I don't even know what I think. But I was scared shitless. And I'm not OK. I feel so vulnerable and helpless. I walked to the supermarket today and I felt myself trying to pull in and make myself as small as possible. I had a massive panic attack in the middle of Giant Eagle when I heard a couple of people talking about the shooting and the guy said "John Shick" and my heart started racing and I hyperventilated and the world disappeared and I thought I would die. People looked at me funny and I said I work for Western Psych and they nodded like they understood and walked away.
Everywhere I go I feel tiny and insignificant and I wish I could shrink up and disappear, and people around me are smiling and having fun and I want to scream at them and don't they know that I hurt and that the world is different and that it's not safe and I'm alive and I feel guilty and I want this to go away?
People here are being all tough. Not all, though. Enough understand. I gave Jack a giant hug on Friday when I saw him which he returned. Josh saw me after and gave me an unsolicited hug. I think he needed it as much as I. He let me talk about it again tonight. Oh right. I'm writing this from the DEC where I'm working tonight. I should feel more safe because there are police and extra safety, but I feel worse because they remind me of why they're here to begin with.
I... wish I knew what else to say. I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to be so scared and hurt and alone.
I'm worried about my friend Nicole, too. She's not taking it well, either. Please keep her in your thoughts. She's a sweet woman and doesn't deserve this pain. None of us do.
This is so fucking unreal.
When the alert went out, it just said that there was an active shooter at Western Psych but not which building. I was at my (now former) regular job at Bellefield rather than at the main building. I called the DEC (psych ER) to see where the shooting was happening, and Christine picked up and sounded so terrified and I knew the shooter was over there. They put our building on lockdown as well because there were rumours of a second shooter and they couldn't find him and they were worried he was headed over to start shooting us. It was horrible. We didn't know what was going on, and I didn't know if my friends here at the DEC were OK or not. I kept getting messages about who was hurt and who wasn't. Someone told me that one of my favourite safety officers had been killed (thankfully it turns out that he wasn't even in the building). Then the news confirmed that someone had been killed and I was so scared it was Kathy because Kathy sits in the lobby and she would have been the first person the shooter went after. And she was, but fortunately she survived.
And it could have been me. I sit behind that desk sometimes. I work in the ER and could have been shot when the guy fired into the DEC. If he'd come a different day or time... If he'd waited just a few days, I'd have been here working when he came. And I feel like it should have been me working in the lobby, because maybe I could have stopped him, or somehow it'd be better for me to be hit than Kathy. I don't even know what I think. But I was scared shitless. And I'm not OK. I feel so vulnerable and helpless. I walked to the supermarket today and I felt myself trying to pull in and make myself as small as possible. I had a massive panic attack in the middle of Giant Eagle when I heard a couple of people talking about the shooting and the guy said "John Shick" and my heart started racing and I hyperventilated and the world disappeared and I thought I would die. People looked at me funny and I said I work for Western Psych and they nodded like they understood and walked away.
Everywhere I go I feel tiny and insignificant and I wish I could shrink up and disappear, and people around me are smiling and having fun and I want to scream at them and don't they know that I hurt and that the world is different and that it's not safe and I'm alive and I feel guilty and I want this to go away?
People here are being all tough. Not all, though. Enough understand. I gave Jack a giant hug on Friday when I saw him which he returned. Josh saw me after and gave me an unsolicited hug. I think he needed it as much as I. He let me talk about it again tonight. Oh right. I'm writing this from the DEC where I'm working tonight. I should feel more safe because there are police and extra safety, but I feel worse because they remind me of why they're here to begin with.
I... wish I knew what else to say. I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to be so scared and hurt and alone.
I'm worried about my friend Nicole, too. She's not taking it well, either. Please keep her in your thoughts. She's a sweet woman and doesn't deserve this pain. None of us do.