(no subject)
Don't tell me that because my mother committed suicide, I might also. Don't tell me that statistics show that suicide runs in families. Don't treat me like a powder keg ready to explode and destroy myself. Suicide is not genetic; it is not an incurable mental condition. Suicide can be prevented if it is confronted. But only if the silence is broken.
Unspoken words are what keep suicide alive in families. Admit that my mother killed herself. Stop acting as if she died a natural though untimely death. I knew. Most children know even when lied to: they can sense it in the air. By not openly admitting it even though we children know, you distort our sense of reality. We no longer know what is real and what is not, what or whom to believe or what or whom not to believe. We begin to lose faith in ourselves. In our own perceptions: we lose our self confidence. Tell us the truth, admit it openly. Yes it will hurt, but it will hurt even more if you don't.
How can you only glowingly eulogize one who has committed suicide? Didn't she have negative aspects also? Don't we all? After all, didn't she choose to leave us, abandon us in this world? Admit that she erred in her thinking. If you admit it, I can admit it and then I will be less likely to follow suit. We all have our strengths and weaknesses: If you teach me that all her weaknesses and mistakes were wiped out with her death, then when I err, I might also try to redeem myself through death.
Let me weep: let me rage. I have a right to feel angry - my mother chose death over life with us. It's not fair - in a matter of moments she scarred us for life. Don't make me feel guilty for my anger: It's a normal reaction to any death - how much more so with this kind of death. Just because I am angry at my mother does not mean that I did not love her. In fact, my anger is an indication of my love - I would not be angry if I did not care.
Be there for me. Do not leave me, abandon me in my anger and sorrow. My mother's death is the ultimate abandonment: I need your presence now. Even if I am angry, even if I remind you of your sorrow, even if I am difficult to be with .. stay - only the supportive presence of others can pull me through. I need to know that I can express my feelings, that I can be me and that you will not run away: I must know that I will not be abandoned again.
If no one is there for me then I might assume that I am unworthy, that if I were a better person, I would not be alone. If I were a better daughter, then my mother would have had incentive to live. Yes, that is how I think - I must have done something wrong. I failed as a child, otherwise my mother would not have killed herself. So please let me know that I am not unlikable. Let me feel that you enjoy being with me, even in my sorrow. Then I can feel better about myself and have incentive to live.
I am tormented by guilt. I failed to save her. We children often feel all-powerful, truly believing we have control over the world when in reality we have none. You must help me to see that I am not omnipotent and that nobody expects me to be perfect. Show me that my wish to be a perfect child is unattainable for anyone. Show me that my mother's decision had nothing to do with whether I was perfect or not.
Sometimes I think I can keep my mother alive if I act like her. When I do that, you become anxious, worried that I will follow in her footsteps. Your anxiety scares me and then I start wondering whether I too will commit suicide. Just because I look like my mother or smile like her or cook like her does not mean that I will kill myself like she did. Stop worrying lest you create problems.
Other times I don't want to be anything whatsoever like my mother. That's not good either. Strange as it seems, when I try not to be like her on the outside I start to feel like her on the inside. I start to question myself and be unloving to myself. You can help me by talking realistically about my mother, who she was and who she wasn't. You can help me to see myself in relation to her, to see habits, both good and bad that I learned from her. Realize that as her child I am bound to resemble her in many ways but that does not mean I have to die like she did.
Suicide does not have to happen again in my family. We can prevent it but not without painfully facing the reality of the event. Whether we face it openly or deny it, a suicidal death is excruciatingly painful. Denial keeps the pain festering below the surface, subtly destroying future lives.
Confrontation with reality gradually eases the pain and removes the power of the act from the lives of the survivors and their future generations. Just because my mother committed suicide doesn't mean I have to follow suit.
Unspoken words are what keep suicide alive in families. Admit that my mother killed herself. Stop acting as if she died a natural though untimely death. I knew. Most children know even when lied to: they can sense it in the air. By not openly admitting it even though we children know, you distort our sense of reality. We no longer know what is real and what is not, what or whom to believe or what or whom not to believe. We begin to lose faith in ourselves. In our own perceptions: we lose our self confidence. Tell us the truth, admit it openly. Yes it will hurt, but it will hurt even more if you don't.
How can you only glowingly eulogize one who has committed suicide? Didn't she have negative aspects also? Don't we all? After all, didn't she choose to leave us, abandon us in this world? Admit that she erred in her thinking. If you admit it, I can admit it and then I will be less likely to follow suit. We all have our strengths and weaknesses: If you teach me that all her weaknesses and mistakes were wiped out with her death, then when I err, I might also try to redeem myself through death.
Let me weep: let me rage. I have a right to feel angry - my mother chose death over life with us. It's not fair - in a matter of moments she scarred us for life. Don't make me feel guilty for my anger: It's a normal reaction to any death - how much more so with this kind of death. Just because I am angry at my mother does not mean that I did not love her. In fact, my anger is an indication of my love - I would not be angry if I did not care.
Be there for me. Do not leave me, abandon me in my anger and sorrow. My mother's death is the ultimate abandonment: I need your presence now. Even if I am angry, even if I remind you of your sorrow, even if I am difficult to be with .. stay - only the supportive presence of others can pull me through. I need to know that I can express my feelings, that I can be me and that you will not run away: I must know that I will not be abandoned again.
If no one is there for me then I might assume that I am unworthy, that if I were a better person, I would not be alone. If I were a better daughter, then my mother would have had incentive to live. Yes, that is how I think - I must have done something wrong. I failed as a child, otherwise my mother would not have killed herself. So please let me know that I am not unlikable. Let me feel that you enjoy being with me, even in my sorrow. Then I can feel better about myself and have incentive to live.
I am tormented by guilt. I failed to save her. We children often feel all-powerful, truly believing we have control over the world when in reality we have none. You must help me to see that I am not omnipotent and that nobody expects me to be perfect. Show me that my wish to be a perfect child is unattainable for anyone. Show me that my mother's decision had nothing to do with whether I was perfect or not.
Sometimes I think I can keep my mother alive if I act like her. When I do that, you become anxious, worried that I will follow in her footsteps. Your anxiety scares me and then I start wondering whether I too will commit suicide. Just because I look like my mother or smile like her or cook like her does not mean that I will kill myself like she did. Stop worrying lest you create problems.
Other times I don't want to be anything whatsoever like my mother. That's not good either. Strange as it seems, when I try not to be like her on the outside I start to feel like her on the inside. I start to question myself and be unloving to myself. You can help me by talking realistically about my mother, who she was and who she wasn't. You can help me to see myself in relation to her, to see habits, both good and bad that I learned from her. Realize that as her child I am bound to resemble her in many ways but that does not mean I have to die like she did.
Suicide does not have to happen again in my family. We can prevent it but not without painfully facing the reality of the event. Whether we face it openly or deny it, a suicidal death is excruciatingly painful. Denial keeps the pain festering below the surface, subtly destroying future lives.
Confrontation with reality gradually eases the pain and removes the power of the act from the lives of the survivors and their future generations. Just because my mother committed suicide doesn't mean I have to follow suit.