The Rebirth of Kalinda Sharma
Title: The Rebirth of Kalinda Sharma (4/4)
Characters: Kalinda, Alicia
Rating: M
Summary: Kalinda copes. +2100 words
Sorry this one has taken me so long to post! I've written about 3 different stories for this one. Took me forever to decide what to do.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Alicia had reintroduced Kalinda into the life of the common human being. A life of trust and friendship. A life of love. Kalinda had lived so long without that - alone in the dark. She was surprised she wasn't incinerated by the light which Alicia had thrown her into. And like a flower to the sun, Kalinda had been drawn to the light Alicia radiated. All her instincts told her that this was the wrong thing to do - that she would regret it eventually. But Kalinda had shut up those feelings into a compartment in the dusty recesses of her brain. The need to love and be loved was so addicting that Kalinda could hardly think of anything else.
Losing Alicia was worse than any substance withdrawal a recovering addict could face. Kalinda was physically sick from the sudden loss of light and warmth in her life. She shivered when standing next to a heater, leather jackets were never removed from her tense shoulders.
Kalinda's workplace had become a torture chamber. The glass hallways, the echoing sounds, and the jobs she worked. Everything kept her from escaping from the grasp of her best friend. To stare blankly through the transparent walls presented the risk of painfully hostile eye contact with Alicia. Even worse was catching a glimpse of Alicia in action, the other woman unaware of Kalinda's gaze. Despite how insistently she would try to look the other way, Kalinda never could. She would torture herself watching Alicia, longing for the touch of whatever inanimate object Alicia graced with the slightest bit of attention. Kalinda would much rather be that pencil Alicia was absently twirling in her hands than to never feel the warmth of her friend again. And despite all the dangers and warnings she gave herself, through the glass Kalinda would stare, just hoping for the opportunity to experience those exact torturous moments.
Kalinda longed to be assigned one of Alicia's cases (though she never volunteered). That, however, was becoming a rare occurrence as Alicia continuously found ways around using the in-house. Tracking down information or people herself, Alicia took on what she could of Kalinda’s job. Alicia would never admit to anyone what she asked herself time and time again, "What would Kalinda do right now?" Those rare times Alicia actually needed Kalinda’s expertise, most of the busywork was finished due to Alicia's complete determination to avoid Kalinda.
"Kalinda, I need you to look into Ashley Day."
Kalinda didn't dare look up from the case report she had stopped reading the moment that she felt Alicia's presence. She didn't know if she was protecting herself, or Alicia. Just knowing that Alicia could still look at her, converse with her, and respect her as an employee gave Kalinda reenergized life. Simply being in the same room warmed her heart
"Alright. What do you already have?" Kalinda underlined a completely useless word in order to look busy - avoid Alicia's gaze. She could feel Alicia's smile before she looked up to see it.
"Nothing yet, just a person of interest. It’s your job to find the details, isn't it?"
Alicia's smile and slight jest took Kalinda by surprise. She quickly convinced herself it was sarcasm and her expression remained guarded.
"It's just that you normally to a thorough job before asking for my help."
"Yes, well I'm very busy at the moment." Any warmth Kalinda had previously disputed over was gone. Along with Kalinda's precious contact with Alicia as the woman briskly turned and exited Kalinda's office. Kalinda felt cold, as if the sun had suddenly vanished behind a thick, black raincloud - thrusting her whole world into shadows. She shivered.
Kalinda never really made a conscious decision to protect the one she had hurt most. It was more like a subconscious obligation such as breathing, or her heart's beating. But day after day, Kalinda would peek into Alicia’s office, eaves drop on her conversations, pick up on her cases, and become an invisible source of helpful information or resources when needed. Some would say she was like Alicia's own guardian angel. Kalinda scoffed at that notion.
Every aspect of Ashley Day's life had been turned inside out. Even the darkest, hidden corners had been exposed. The poor girl was hardly even related to the case, and ended up being of little help at all. But Kalinda had done her very best work none the less - for Alicia. She had resolved to never leave Alicia vulnerable in the courtroom. Double checking her information seemed a small, yet time consuming, price to pay in order to protect Alicia. But Alicia never noticed, or if she did she didn't care.
***
Kalinda needed to feel close to a human being again - she needed the warmth of a breathing body.
Finding another relationship - another friendship - like the one she had shared with Alicia was impossible. It was a futile endeavor, and Kalinda knew that. No one would ever make her smile the way Alicia did. No one could ever understand Kalinda, her emotions, her flaws. But she had to find some way to fill the void.
People fill holes in their lives with many things - alcohol, drugs, religion. All become addictive and destructive when used in excess. Kalinda chose sex. Kalinda liked to feel a body stretched along hers in the quiet hours of early morning. She would spend hours just listening to the breathing, never looking at the face; just feeling the warmth of their bodies radiating towards her. Kalinda didn't particularly care for the actual intercourse most of the time. It was sweaty and, while pleasurable, distant. When she truly felt connected to those one night stands was in the minutes before she would leave them alone in the hotel room.
Kalinda would lie in bed; imagine what a friendship with this person might look like. Often she imagined the two of them getting a drink, talking about life. Which is when she remembered the only person she wanted to do that with was Alicia. As soon as Kalinda would see Alicia's face in her mind, she was impossible to get out. If Kalinda closed her eyes, Alicia's smile would spread across her eyelids. If Kalinda opened her eyes, Alicia would be on the ceiling, offering to buy Kalinda a drink. A phantom her mind refused to erase.
Then she would leave. Those nameless, faceless bodies lay still breathing in the bed as Kalinda would gather her clothes which were strewn around the room. Sex was like her prescription drug, and she had gotten her weekly dose of human connection. It satisfied her longing for contact. Until the next time she felt so lonely she couldn't breathe. Until the next time she would pass Alicia in the hallway - both women unaccompanied and lacking a preoccupation, yet never sharing a single word.
But no matter how close, physically, Kalinda became with these countless amounts of people, she was never filled. Months had passed, and subconsciously, her partners had become solely women. Solely brunette women. Solely older, brunette women. As they started to resemble Alicia more and more, the sex became shorter and shorter. Kalinda would will herself to orgasm as quick as she could, or she would fake it. All she longed for was when those women would fall asleep next to her, their skin still touching, but she didn't have to see a face. The time Kalinda would lie just listening to them breath increased as her time spent rolling around under the sheets decreased. She never fell asleep herself.
Kalinda had stayed too long, or made too much noise, or the other woman was a very light sleeper. Just as Kalinda had reached to slip on her boots, the other woman woke up. She rolled on her side in the dark hotel room and looked at Kalinda as she continued to get ready, pretending not to notice.
“It’s alright. No need to apologize. I’m usually the one leaving the girls in the dust.” The other woman (what was her name? Carrie? Katie? Kelsey?) propped her head on her hand and covered herself with the thin, and very see-through, hotel room sheets. Kalinda smirked.
“I beat you to it” she replied quietly as she finished putting her boots on.
“I suppose you did. I should be feeling sorry for you though; I’ve heard that the one who leaves first has the biggest emotional problems. Your life must suck, because mine is pretty dingy.” The brunette rolled onto her back as she spoke, tucking her hands behind her head.
“So they say…” Kalinda murmured in annoyance. She hated the fact that this body had become a person before she could leave it. She hated that this person attempted to hold a conversation with her before Kalinda left it alone. She hated that this woman was correct.
“You don’t talk much. I noticed it at the bar. It’s a good thing you’re leaving, because I talk a whole fucking lot and you’d probably kill me if we actually held a conversation.”
“I might anyway.”
The woman released a snort which somewhat resembled a laugh. It was nothing like Alicia’s laugh. It was so ungraceful, so loud, and so masculine. Somewhat animal-like.
“Alright, well let me just say this one thing before you chop off my tongue.”
“I’ll pretend to listen as long as it takes to leave you here.”Another snort. God, it was so ghastly. Kalinda was just pulling on her maroon leather jacket on top of yesterday’s clothes, and reaching for her necklace.
“I’ll say it fast then. If you get anything out of this other than a fantastic fuck - if I do say so myself - remember: no one dictates your happiness but yourself. If you’re made up your mind to be unhappy, you’ll --”
Kalinda scoffed and slammed the hotel door behind her before she could hear the inevitable word: alone. It was the worst word in the world. It was almost as terrible to hear as it was to taste as her own tongue uttered the godforsaken word
***
"Kalinda, you remember Ashley Day?" Alicia had peeked her head inside Kalinda’s office, her hand on the doorframe, and the rest of her body still outside.
“Yeah, she was almost completely unrelated to your case.” Kalinda had no physical case files to invest her imaginary attention in, so she looked directly at Alicia. How could so much time have passed, but any eye contact still be so painful? She looked at her hands.
“Right. Um…” Alicia moved to stand fully in Kalinda’s office, and even the bacteria in the room seemed to notice the sudden addition of nervous tension. “Carey was following you around for information, so I used you to throw him off my trail. I apologize for wasting your time.”
Kalinda couldn’t help the smirk which seized control of her face. She should have guessed that something was up; Alicia wouldn’t come to her for help unless it was absolutely necessary. Only after Alicia had already found all she could. Ashley had hardly been of any use at all. She didn’t stop to wonder why Alicia felt it necessary to apologize.
“It wasn’t a waste of time. No need for an apology.”
Kalinda smiled, no matter how hard she tried to hide it, as she stood and brushed past Alicia and out of her office. The brief contact of their clothing was thrilling. From the other side of the glass, Kalinda could see Alicia still standing in her office, pondering. Alicia’s hands were still, open and facing the ceiling in surprise. Kalinda could only imagine the confused look on her face. Then she entered the elevator.
Looking at her hazy reflection in the metal doors of the elevator, Kalinda smiled, and lowered her head. She knew just how intelligent Alicia was, how she could read people and understand motivations. Kalinda hoped she had given Alicia enough to understand her motivations.
Kalinda didn’t mind that her actions to better Alicia’s life had, so far, gone unnoticed. Working on her cases, even when it wasn’t needed, in order to provide any unknown information. Giving Will the go ahead he was waiting for in order to be a much needed relationship for Alicia. Using all her resources to find Alicia’s missing daughter. Kalinda would do the simple, pointless work Alicia was apologizing for time and time again if it meant this much Alicia in her life. Kalinda would go on any goose chase. From this very elevator, to China, and back. if that is what Alicia wanted.
Kalinda could only hope Alicia would realize this as the elevator doors opened and Kalinda stepped into the sunlit world.