swimming through razorblades

[sleepless_mind]

hey. guess i found my password for this. and im tired of myspace. lately ive been doing well. just flying through life on the wings of hundred dollar bills. but theres no happiness in money. im still as empty as i was before. and all that money leaves as soon as i get it. bills . savings. material items. everythings a material. i just wish i wouldnt have wasted that cash trying to date that lito chick i was seeing last. anyways. its the holidays. and ive been everywhere but home in the last few weeks. trying to get as much work as i can done . so i can just chill out for a week. but now im home and i have a feeling of wanting to leave. wanting to escape and run away from myself. i mean one min. i love my solidarity. i love how alone i am and when i leave from my house i dont have to miss anything or anyone .even though i always miss nancy alot. but thats a story that wont see its end. i dunno. maybee its just another endless story that ill have . i mean i dont know why but today i woke up surrounded by friends and i never felt so alone . or so fucking shitty ever. my buds were in my room,. one on his laptop and the other on my ps2. and another on the ps2 as well. and i wake up and hold my head trying to figure out of my dream was real or not. and everyone looks at me . so i wake up and go to the bathroom. look myself in the mirror and i tell myself that i just might miss being in love. i mean to tell you the truth the closest i ever came to actually loving someone in the past 2 years was kari. that didnt work out. but hey fuck it. as crazy as that story was . it still feels good to remember some of those things. even though some of em hurt like hell at that time. hey fuck it i laugh at all the other good times i had. now ive been alone for a while . never actually in love. and i think i might feel love but .. it pushes me away. maybee im scared. maybee im getting old . but in my dreams i tend to reflect on alot of things. i do know that im getting old. and now im settled i got a great job. im about to get a nice apartment. and im paying off a two acre lot that i secretly bought. and i feel as if everything that im doing right isnt gunna count for shit cause i still feel alone. i just want something to wrap myself in. love. and all its false promises.i want to feel wonderful again just to be let down again im not scared of losing love anymore. but finding it is actualy the hard thing now. im so fucking picky. probably because i helped make one of the best fucking chicks in this world. and i love everything about her. but theres just one thing. i cant have her and i probably never will be able to have her. as much as i want to think about it . i cant . i joke around about it . but theres some truth behind it all. maybee. i do love her. and maybee i should tell her the truth. or maybee i should look for a chick thats just like her. but thats really got me thinking. most of the chicks i meet are fucking retarded. ahhh enough bitching. i guess ill write later.

see ya laters fuckos.

ps. suck me beautiful