"At Least I'm Not Eating Grass"
So, aside from my pathetic life, I had a little fun last night. The concert totally sucked, I thought. Auf der Maur was really good, but altogether I felt it was a complete waste of my $70. I mean, I could go to like 5 or 6 Red Tape shows with that kind of money. But I had fun lying on the Solon Comets pancho, and fighting with Kelly. Some highlights from last night were that amazingly crazy guy who stalked Kelly and I. It went a little something like this:
* A man who appears to be in his 30s is holding a long strip of toilet paper. He is absolutely mesmerized by the way it sways in the wind. He finally notices everyones puzzled faces as they stare at him * "At least I'm not eating grass." * Three teenage boys approach him and ask what in the world he is doing * "Would it be better if I were eating grass?" * "Hey, where'd you get that, man?" * "From the bathroom." * Throughout the concert the man annoys the fuck out of everybody within a 50 foot radius. * "YEEEEAAAAAAAH!!!! Turn it up man!" * "That's right," states Kelly, "turn it up so we can drown you out." * Tracy continues to crack up at this silly man.* Kelly fulfills the need to bond with others as she chuckles with some indies about the crazy man. * "Wow, look at the beach man," states the bum, "such beautiful sand." * Ok, so I don't remember the rest, but you can imagine how incredibly weird it was.
And then there was the beer guy: "Hey, are you guys into beer." "No."
Wow, I definitely think Eric Stann is sitting next to me here in the library, but I don't want to look. I can tell because he makes these incredibly annoying moans and groans. Silly Eric Stann.
Oh, and who could forget the freaky Mexican landscaper in Kelly's neighborhood: "Damn girl, you're beautiful."
Ok so, the guy next to me is not Eric Stann but what appears to be a 35-40 year old man. Whoops, my bad. He's incredibly cranky though.
I've decided that Growler is not worth my time. Besides, liking him was a big joke anyway.
I hate my life. The rest of this entry is probably going to be annoying and dramatic. That's your hint to stop reading.
I got a letter in the mail saying that I needed to pay for my Algebra book before I get a parking pass. I hate Solon High School.
I am turning into a failure through my eyes. I haven't run since Tuesday. I didn't run on Monday b/c of Six Flags, and I didn't on Wednesday b/c of the concert. I didn't today b/c I was too tired from the concert. I won't tomorrow b/c of stupid OU tour. I won't on Saturday b/c of Twins Days. And I probably won't run on Sunday b/c I'll be too tired from Twins Days. And then there's Kelly who is dropping weight left and right, taking up running, doing yoga.
Today consisted of me eating 4 pieces of buttered buttermilk toast, about 10 strawberries, and 3 platefuls of stir-fry that consisted of vegetables representing every color of the rainbow except blue: red, orange, yellow and green peppers; broccoli; purple onions; sauteed with teryaki sauce and served atop white rice.
My parents are annoying, and I keep telling them I want to kill myself. Yet, does anybody care...mmmm no. I went in my room and searched for something to cut myself with, but no luck. I keep promising that I'll hide a knife in my room for times like those, but I guess I like trying to make myself even angrier. The only thing I have is a pair of dull scissors, tweezers covered in hair removal wax, and a pin engulfed in dried blood from the last cut. So, I flossed my teeth for approximately 20 minutes until my gums were bleeding around every tooth. I must say, flossing is so addictive once you get past the first 5 minutes.
I'm depressed at the fact that I sat and planned losing weight so I could be slutty like everyone else, but yet I haven't lost anything. I still weigh 140, and I still look like shit. And now I have what, like a week before school starts to lost 25 pounds? I seriously would just rather die then to go through trying to lose weight. I mean, I haven't run in like forever, I can't make myself throw up, I can't really give up food, and Border's hasn't received my fucking Abs Diet book yet. I'm a failure in more ways than one. What else would completely make my day then to have my parents find me dead, and for a mortician to mention how I don't have a normal set of breasts. To think, if they only knew the pain I was feeling inside, and how uncomfortable I am. Oh wait, I've been crying out, yet no one seems to answer. Haha..what a crack up this is:
"Any time a person self-injures, that person's emotional state and physical injuries should receive serious attention from an adult in a position to help, such as a parent, doctor, or school counselor."
I always fear that I'm going to end up like Lee in Secretary. I always thought I'd be someone great. Someone unforgettable. Yet, it seems that I am far from it. Every thing I've ever dreamed of has been fucked up. And what I have now, I know I won't have in the next six months. That's just how my life works. I wish I were like the 7 ft tall black man across from me in the library, who laughs and chuckles at his computer, talking and humming to himself. He doesn't seem to have a care in the world. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be normal...and I know there's no such thing as normal...but why couldn't I have grown normally, acted normally. Is there really no such thing as normal, or am I just fucked up?
See Kelly, there really is no right way to cutting, up and down, back and forth..it's whichever way pleases the cutter, in my mind.
“Some cut to make sure they are alive,” Beaird said. “They are in so much pain they feel dead and want to make sure they are alive. If it hurts and they bleed, they must be alive.” Wow...what totally bull shit that is.
"Girls, who seem to be more prone to cutting, also will sometimes cut their breasts." Haha..I thought of that once. I never did it though. I think it's b/c I still have faith that I'll get plastic surgery and maybe then some guy will be lonely enough to want me.
“If you see long sleeves during the middle of August, that could be a hint,” Beaird pointed out. Yeah yeah...fuck you you stupid baptist people.
"While the cuts are not usually deep, they are deep enough to cause bleeding and scarring. Some use the scars to make pictures or words." Tiffany! FUCK SOLON! Was that it? Jeremy carved a "T" into his wrist just for me. Aww...how sweet.
"Cutting is a real problem on many college campuses “because Mom and Dad aren’t there to see,” said Beaird." Something to look forward too.....
"Alvarado noted that youth ministers and parents can help by giving positive feedback and reminding teens they are loved and will not be abandoned, no matter what." And I think we all know how much love I've received..."Fat ass."
I guess the thing that upsets me the most..and why the fuck am I about to cry in the library???..is that I am going to be left with these scars for possibly the rest of my life. And no matter what I do, or how I look..no guy is going to want to be with a crazy, dumb bitch like myself.