a new year....
So I am back from the land of parents and family and the places I used to know...
And look! I swear home will always be toxic for me.....the more time I spend there, the shittier things get/seem/my life gets out of control. Why? I have the tools I need to be my own person, but I find myself shuffling into the herd and doing things I hate myself for later. I literally walked home one night and had primal scream therapy on the street I was so angry.
like I became a pork stick while I was home.... didn't work out for the last 5 days (pulled my back), ate and drank a lot.... and gained 7 lbs!!!!! suck suck suck. there is no fruit and veg in our house besides what I buy....everything seems to be covered in fat and there are cookies and shitty food everywhere in the house....argh.
My dad called me selfish about 7 times while I was home; a one apple, acting like an only child etc. And I got to thinking about if I was selfish. And I am to a certain extent. I think about my life a lot and what is best for me, not others first. It is constant. I do think about my friends and family too, and what would be best for them... but not if it is going to change my situation and I don't want it to. I judge myself harder than anyone else and 18 months ago did something with what I saw and didn't like. so i'm not going to let others fuck up my success. and I hopefully won't fuck it up either.
Sometimes I think unconsciously my family is trying to sabotage me. or their lifestyle is.
My parents are unhappy. their jobs, their physical appearances, the house. And that environment isn't good for anyone. They need to be selfish and do something about one of those things. not just go out to the pub and spending no time in the house. I want to fix them; then the other stuff in our lives would be better. they are so unhappy....can anything we as the kids do make a difference really? It has to come from them, they have to want to change. They have to want to change. They have to want to change.
i know this. it bothers me i can't just do it for them.
i went on another date with c, the boy from ages ago, and he might call me but he hasn't. i'm trying to not be sad about this. i know i'm not a freak now. it's very reassuring. but now i really want him to call! must not be a freak, must not be a freak, must not be a freak. I can find someone else who likes me. but i 'like' him. it's not like m or m from august, it's different. it's almost as if he has the power in this totally non relationship.
i am stupid and 12.
my birthday is in 4 days. fuck. i have resolutions for this year. but they are a whole other entry. i'm tired and going to not do more work. schweet.
And look! I swear home will always be toxic for me.....the more time I spend there, the shittier things get/seem/my life gets out of control. Why? I have the tools I need to be my own person, but I find myself shuffling into the herd and doing things I hate myself for later. I literally walked home one night and had primal scream therapy on the street I was so angry.
like I became a pork stick while I was home.... didn't work out for the last 5 days (pulled my back), ate and drank a lot.... and gained 7 lbs!!!!! suck suck suck. there is no fruit and veg in our house besides what I buy....everything seems to be covered in fat and there are cookies and shitty food everywhere in the house....argh.
My dad called me selfish about 7 times while I was home; a one apple, acting like an only child etc. And I got to thinking about if I was selfish. And I am to a certain extent. I think about my life a lot and what is best for me, not others first. It is constant. I do think about my friends and family too, and what would be best for them... but not if it is going to change my situation and I don't want it to. I judge myself harder than anyone else and 18 months ago did something with what I saw and didn't like. so i'm not going to let others fuck up my success. and I hopefully won't fuck it up either.
Sometimes I think unconsciously my family is trying to sabotage me. or their lifestyle is.
My parents are unhappy. their jobs, their physical appearances, the house. And that environment isn't good for anyone. They need to be selfish and do something about one of those things. not just go out to the pub and spending no time in the house. I want to fix them; then the other stuff in our lives would be better. they are so unhappy....can anything we as the kids do make a difference really? It has to come from them, they have to want to change. They have to want to change. They have to want to change.
i know this. it bothers me i can't just do it for them.
i went on another date with c, the boy from ages ago, and he might call me but he hasn't. i'm trying to not be sad about this. i know i'm not a freak now. it's very reassuring. but now i really want him to call! must not be a freak, must not be a freak, must not be a freak. I can find someone else who likes me. but i 'like' him. it's not like m or m from august, it's different. it's almost as if he has the power in this totally non relationship.
i am stupid and 12.
my birthday is in 4 days. fuck. i have resolutions for this year. but they are a whole other entry. i'm tired and going to not do more work. schweet.