So I am freaking out!
I am freaking out. I hope this is just a combination of hormones and I will be surfing the crimson wave a little early this month.
going home does this. I am so emotional about it, I don't know what to do. Like there is so much in my head that I feel like I will explode.
i want to go home, I miss my parents.... or i miss being taken care of. i'm tired of being an adult right now. It's been 8 months and that is a long time. I still have 2 weeks to go! I can't be this on edge... there are 14 more days to get through. And for 10 of those i am so broke. yuck.
the drinks thing is tonight, i am not even excited. just want to relax at home, and move all my information onto my hard drive in preparation for the laptop switch over.
sometimes i get tired of being the new me. i don't EVER want to be the old me, that is actually terrifying. But i get tired of trying so hard.... and I have put the pressure on since.... may 17th? I mean the physical and mental pressure of trying to be my absolute fittest and losing the last bit of weight.... my weight goal has been lowered about 5 times in the last year, as each one was reached and I was not satisfied/knew that i could keep going.
i feel so stupid as i keep writing about this, my weight etc. why can't i just get over it and be 'normal'????? i think about it before every bite of food, (welll, that is a lie, but after, yes, as the not thinking leads to binging. Ahhhhhh)
oh, put my foot in my mouth yesterday on the run. my friend k voiced that he's scared i will become anorexic or bulemic, and I tell the RB's, with a snort, like that's ever going to happen.... well J says that she's not sure that anyone is immune to going that route.... and we talk about how we know of odd bulemics (the ceo of a company) because it's all about control..... j i think used to self harm, and I just was all 'i would never do that, blah blah blah' why am i tit who can't remember stuff????
scary thought in my head... what if i become an exercise bulimic. I don't throw up, just work out till i burn off what i ate? That I could see myself doing.... but the trainer keeps me straight, when i started doing the 2 hour sessions at teh gym, he made me stop and do hard cardio for 30 minutes and 15 for weights/abs. And i have stuck to that for the majority of my workout days. just gotta keep going, and eating right, and i will be fine.
i will be fine.
going home does this. I am so emotional about it, I don't know what to do. Like there is so much in my head that I feel like I will explode.
i want to go home, I miss my parents.... or i miss being taken care of. i'm tired of being an adult right now. It's been 8 months and that is a long time. I still have 2 weeks to go! I can't be this on edge... there are 14 more days to get through. And for 10 of those i am so broke. yuck.
the drinks thing is tonight, i am not even excited. just want to relax at home, and move all my information onto my hard drive in preparation for the laptop switch over.
sometimes i get tired of being the new me. i don't EVER want to be the old me, that is actually terrifying. But i get tired of trying so hard.... and I have put the pressure on since.... may 17th? I mean the physical and mental pressure of trying to be my absolute fittest and losing the last bit of weight.... my weight goal has been lowered about 5 times in the last year, as each one was reached and I was not satisfied/knew that i could keep going.
i feel so stupid as i keep writing about this, my weight etc. why can't i just get over it and be 'normal'????? i think about it before every bite of food, (welll, that is a lie, but after, yes, as the not thinking leads to binging. Ahhhhhh)
oh, put my foot in my mouth yesterday on the run. my friend k voiced that he's scared i will become anorexic or bulemic, and I tell the RB's, with a snort, like that's ever going to happen.... well J says that she's not sure that anyone is immune to going that route.... and we talk about how we know of odd bulemics (the ceo of a company) because it's all about control..... j i think used to self harm, and I just was all 'i would never do that, blah blah blah' why am i tit who can't remember stuff????
scary thought in my head... what if i become an exercise bulimic. I don't throw up, just work out till i burn off what i ate? That I could see myself doing.... but the trainer keeps me straight, when i started doing the 2 hour sessions at teh gym, he made me stop and do hard cardio for 30 minutes and 15 for weights/abs. And i have stuck to that for the majority of my workout days. just gotta keep going, and eating right, and i will be fine.
i will be fine.