Seeing things for how they were
I found myself overwhelmed with frustration last night. And driving around was not helping to calm me down like it normally does. I even went home and to sleep only to dream about the bullshit. Which has, now put me in a bad mood and my day just begun.
Because I have sworn off over analyzing the bullshit, I am disappointed that I am doing exactly that. So let’s get this off my chest.
I am tired of feeling embarrassed and foolish about my feelings. Embarrassed because I felt a certain way about things only to find out that the feeling is not shared. And to find out because it is at a breaking or ending point, then at the moment the feelings have been discovered. I feel lied to for the sake of not hurting my feelings and keeping me around for the comfort or until they were ready to move on. And what makes it more embarrassing is to know that instead of coming to me and talking to me about these feelings, the feelings are instead shared with friends and people outside of the relationship at hand. I feel embarrassed because when I would walk into a room with these people, I can't help but to feel they all know what’s going on better then I do, and it is my own life.
Foolish because I was too blind to fully see how a person is feeling with there mannerisms and body language. I mean I spent so much time here and been there for so long, but because feelings were so well hidden, even I, the person that should be closest could not see what was going on. And because I could not see what was going on when it was going on, there was never a chance for me to fix the situation. Or better yet, I never stood a chance because it was too late for me to change anything.
I wish I stood a chance, and I wish I really understood. But because I was pushed out long before shit went down, we never had a chance.
So Tragic