(no subject)
I love to drive. I love listening to the radio, and the odd looks I get from other drivers when I "rock out". I love the wind in my face and being able to screech along with hard rock. I love being able to chain smoke and have all of the conversations in my head that I'm too chicken to have in person. The drive home is what saved today.
This weekend was one long exercise in pain. Within an hour of being there I became who I hated. A silent nonperson...just trying not to screw up. Forget what I wanted, forget even faster what I needed...or why I drove almost 8 hours.
Why did I do it you ask? Because I fix the broken. And this boy has been broken inside since I met him 7 years ago. And I, silly me, have always thought with enough patience and love and open mindedness, anything can be fixed. That and my inability to accept failure.
I have been harshly rejected, ignored for my ignorance, put down for no reason, and then, when he was done, summarily dismissed.
Well, I have news for him.
I'm done too.
There is so much more to what I'm feeling right now. It felt like it was all I could do to not burst into hysterical sobbing until Sam left. And he's gone, and I'm alone and attempting to sooth myself with music. And for the first time in my whole life its not working. I think I'm too sick inside to even cry.
This weekend was one long exercise in pain. Within an hour of being there I became who I hated. A silent nonperson...just trying not to screw up. Forget what I wanted, forget even faster what I needed...or why I drove almost 8 hours.
Why did I do it you ask? Because I fix the broken. And this boy has been broken inside since I met him 7 years ago. And I, silly me, have always thought with enough patience and love and open mindedness, anything can be fixed. That and my inability to accept failure.
I have been harshly rejected, ignored for my ignorance, put down for no reason, and then, when he was done, summarily dismissed.
Well, I have news for him.
I'm done too.
There is so much more to what I'm feeling right now. It felt like it was all I could do to not burst into hysterical sobbing until Sam left. And he's gone, and I'm alone and attempting to sooth myself with music. And for the first time in my whole life its not working. I think I'm too sick inside to even cry.