Let's see what comes out.
Hello to the whole of the huge, loyal fanbase of this vastly popular and extremely exciting and interesting livejournal! How are both of you doing? Personally, I'm not doing too well. And I don't know the exact reason, though I think it's mostly school. But still, last year, 95% of the time I was relaxed and fairly calm. Now, I feel on the edge of breaking down most of every day. I've been like this for a few weeks now, sometimes it's worse and sometimes it's a bit better, but it's always there. I sleep too little, I let my homework for school pile up around me simply because I don't know where to start, and the prospect of all the stuff I have to do this year gives me an angsty feeling in my stomach. Plus, every time someone even mentions 'College' or 'University', my mood instantly drops below zero no matter how good it was before. I don't feel ready for this, I don't want to think about that stuff yet. But I have to, there's no escape. Not that it really matters if I just fail my exams, which I will if I keep this attitude the rest of the year. I don't feel up to anything, the tiniest of disappointments really throw me off and leave me either crying or acting sarcastic and annoying to others. My school schedule sucks compared to previous years, and next to that I have my job. In my spare time I have to do fun and relaxing stuff if I don't want to crash completely, but I can't completely relax with the feeling of all the work I have left to do in the back of my head. I can ban this thought by either doing mind-numbing games, or by hanging out with my girlfriend - it's amazing how much impact she has on me all the time. But she's got her own stuff to worry about, and I doubt she can use mine on top of it. So I just pretend I feel great - well, I try to. It doesn't work very often any more actually. I seem to make a point out of letting everyone know how bad I feel.
At this point I don't really know how to continue this entry. I'm thinking about whether I should post this at all, since there's very little use in these negative rants. I'm thinking about whether posting this will make me feel any better. I'm also doubting that.
Tomorrow another lousy day at school. Boring lessons with very little content which still manage to ruin my day. I won't see my girlfriend until the final classes of the day, but maybe I can drop by her place in the evening. I really hope so, but I know I shouldn't count on it too much - she's loaded with school work like everyone else, and she can spend her evenings better than by hanging out with me.
I should probably go to bed woon, it's just past midnight now. Soon, my mom will come upstairs to shoot me a 'why are you still up?'-glance. She knows I don't like that, but she's totally right. It's the deal I go to bed before midnight, you see. I just don't feel like it right now, I want to finish this. Maybe I'm just provoking, who knows.
I'm kind of writing down whatever pops up in my head now, I haven't done that before. It's quite interesting. Once I'm done I'm going to read back, then decide whether I'll post it or not. I probably will, considering I don't want to waste the 'effort' I put into it.
Maybe I can spend some of my free hours at school tomorrow by doing useful stuff. I still have to read (very small and thin) books for German, English and Dutch. I also have to catch up with Maths, work on this big project thingy, try to learn something during the lessons and decide what I want to do after this school. But I already said that, and as I said, I don't like thinking about that. Here I go anyway though; what I really dislike about 'after this schoolyear' is not the fact I'll have to find a study I like; it's the fact I'm going to have to miss my girlfriend a lot more. And above that, the fact she'll be moving out of her parent's house, so she'll live in some student-flat-whatnot-thingamajig. Alone. Well, of course she won't be alone, but that's how it feels to me. She'll have to take care of herself, and I won't be around to help her. And what if something happens? I think about that a lot. Bad stuff happens all the time. Things you read in the newspapers... even this morning (or yesterday), I read something... well, no details, but it's that kind of stuff I'm afraid of. Very afraid of.
I'm going to stop my rant now, I really should go to sleep and so I will. I haven't read it back yet, it's probably boring and I can't imagine anyone wanting to read this. I don't think I'd want to read it myself, but meh.
As a final thought, I know damn well all these depressing thoughts won't help me a bit. I have to focus on the positive things, get up and do something about my problems instead of thinking and writing about them. But... I don't feel up to it yet. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week.
~Sleaw
P.S. Here's my mom. Dang.
At this point I don't really know how to continue this entry. I'm thinking about whether I should post this at all, since there's very little use in these negative rants. I'm thinking about whether posting this will make me feel any better. I'm also doubting that.
Tomorrow another lousy day at school. Boring lessons with very little content which still manage to ruin my day. I won't see my girlfriend until the final classes of the day, but maybe I can drop by her place in the evening. I really hope so, but I know I shouldn't count on it too much - she's loaded with school work like everyone else, and she can spend her evenings better than by hanging out with me.
I should probably go to bed woon, it's just past midnight now. Soon, my mom will come upstairs to shoot me a 'why are you still up?'-glance. She knows I don't like that, but she's totally right. It's the deal I go to bed before midnight, you see. I just don't feel like it right now, I want to finish this. Maybe I'm just provoking, who knows.
I'm kind of writing down whatever pops up in my head now, I haven't done that before. It's quite interesting. Once I'm done I'm going to read back, then decide whether I'll post it or not. I probably will, considering I don't want to waste the 'effort' I put into it.
Maybe I can spend some of my free hours at school tomorrow by doing useful stuff. I still have to read (very small and thin) books for German, English and Dutch. I also have to catch up with Maths, work on this big project thingy, try to learn something during the lessons and decide what I want to do after this school. But I already said that, and as I said, I don't like thinking about that. Here I go anyway though; what I really dislike about 'after this schoolyear' is not the fact I'll have to find a study I like; it's the fact I'm going to have to miss my girlfriend a lot more. And above that, the fact she'll be moving out of her parent's house, so she'll live in some student-flat-whatnot-thingamajig. Alone. Well, of course she won't be alone, but that's how it feels to me. She'll have to take care of herself, and I won't be around to help her. And what if something happens? I think about that a lot. Bad stuff happens all the time. Things you read in the newspapers... even this morning (or yesterday), I read something... well, no details, but it's that kind of stuff I'm afraid of. Very afraid of.
I'm going to stop my rant now, I really should go to sleep and so I will. I haven't read it back yet, it's probably boring and I can't imagine anyone wanting to read this. I don't think I'd want to read it myself, but meh.
As a final thought, I know damn well all these depressing thoughts won't help me a bit. I have to focus on the positive things, get up and do something about my problems instead of thinking and writing about them. But... I don't feel up to it yet. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week.
~Sleaw
P.S. Here's my mom. Dang.