hell in a hand basket
so i don't usually post here, so for tonight, why the hell not... My life, minus one thing, has been flipped completely upside down. It dawns on me that I have nothing except for what I have gained since I've been to college. Any friend from the past have long since gone, and no one checks to see how things are, but i guess i've come to expect such things given the way i have treated others. I have one person, and he is the one thing that keeps me sain, helps me realize i'm not alone, no matter how much i tend to think otherwise most times... i live in fear, and have for a long time. I hope that every day I will wake up and that the reality of my health goes away, that it was all a big mistake and that someone simply read the charts wrong. I am intollerent to gluten. yup, no more pasta or cake for me, or well, basically anything that anyone would normally eat. Not that anyone really knows me, that's something i have long since abandoned as a reasonable thought, but i live and breathe pasta and it's subsidaries, that stuff will down right kill me now, or rather, cause something really bad to happen that will infact end my life. since when is that fair? since when can something pop up behind you without any warning and wack you across the face. i have lost everything that I have ever known, my innocence, my dreams, my hopes, and many more... i have started to gain some of them back, and this shit happens? No one seems to care anymore, i shout at the rain and it never answers, it just pours down harder. I hate feeling lost, but what can you do? there is no way to describe how lost i am, lonely, and scared about everything that is going on with me. I wake up crying not knowing exactly why and i go through my day hyper as all get out worried that if for a moment i let myself be vunerable, i will lose every sence of being that is fragily held together by kind words and hope of those that i have closest. i just don't want to be alone, and i am one step from that... i've lost hockey, i've lost my comfort food, i don't know who i am anymore, and i only have one strong enough to hold on for the ride, i really hope that is enough, because i don't understand where i've come from, or what happened to highschool, because everyone else made life long friends, i seem to have lost every one....