Happy Birthday.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
This past year has been by far the most... adverse, and yet somehow altogether stable or maybe stagnant year of my life. Things are moving forward at this point, and gears that can not be altered set in motion. Still, the past year has left so many openings and so many tainted hearts, what exactly am I to do with myself?
The easy and natural rebuttal to that is carry on, move forward and improve; do exactly what you where meant for Christopher. It really is as simple as that, continue the track you've set to completion; finally see something through. I will, that much has been decided.
I ask myself however, what of the things left unfounded? My desires or muses, preoccupations and past times... am I to simply abandon them? I'm afraid that I'm not altogether to certain as to how I would do this. I will say however that I am happy with the person I am, am becoming, and will be. Maybe unfinished business is to be left at that, but perhaps I want to know that I truly am in control; does it make any difference? Certainly it does to the self but what of the shared reality we have all cultivated together? The basic facts are I love you, and am a silly stupid man; At this point are we any different? Is it simply the feeling of belonging we hold on to? Is the divine knowledge of completion what we live for? if I truly knew the answers to these questions would it matter?
Why is something as simple as a question mark so powerful?
That night standing there, being perfect and broken, I saw everything I ever needed, wanted or was simply meant to do. Chasing fleeting moments have lead greater men to unbelievable peril but here I stand, I am, and will be. I'm not sure how to be, do , or act as anything else beside myself. I do what I can, and face what I can't, I'm nothing more than some fucked up guy with his own delusional beliefs of what life is supposed to be... but is anyone else anything different?
I'm twenty-four, most doctors would say half of my life is over. I suppose I would agree but most importantly I decline any involvement in what could be, but rather spend all my effort in making myself.
Currently listening :
Broken
By Nine Inch Nails
Release date: 22 September, 1992