Black Cadillacs
Sometimes feeling like my self has become so unfamiliar, I’ve been so happy lately that I’ve completely forgotten how terrible my mind is; or at least how it’s the most dangerous antagonist in my life. I feel like I’ve become a new person almost. I guess leaving everything that is familiar to you has a way of catalyzing self awareness, but now I’m contradicting myself. I haven’t become self aware, only forgotten how to be sad. I can’t remember the last time I was happy. By that I mean prior to this period in my life. Even now, I feel great. I’m only slightly bewildered because something happened a little while ago that would’ve normally made me very… depressed or at least sad, certainly question my position and reason for even being here. Instead though, I just kind of… got over it. Weird this feeling, not really caring about the little bumps, knowing that even the “big ones” can be comfortable. Maybe that was my problem all along, ignoring the big ones all together and completely making my life miserable over things a normal person would probably laugh about. Again, it’s just been so long now since I’ve been …insecure or forced any real level of negative state upon myself. So naturally the fraction of a second that I began to force myself to feel like that, the act of simply doing so seemed, well, idiotic. Have I really been so stupid for so long to force myself to feel so bad? My life feels like my own finally, and this town has, I think, officially become home. I mean, I know the place now, and it’s familiar to me. When I leave here I’ll say “back home” and mean the very apartment I’m sitting in. I think back on all the times I wanted to die, and the one time I tried to kill myself and feel so stupid. I think I’m finally ready to say I love you, to myself. I miss all my friends, and haven’t really made any new ones, but this life is satisfying in ways my old one could never be.
Work is good, for anyone who didn’t know I am working at Radio Shack. It’s nothing prestigious, or to par with anything any of my peers are doing, it’s not even the highest paying job I ever had; really it’s just the first place that hired me when I moved out here. I do make more money here then anything else so far I guess, it’s almost entirely commission based, so on a good week I can make up to $15.00 an hour. I haven’t dropped below $10.00 yet, but I guess I’m just good at getting people to buy things. My co-workers are cool too, more so then some of the other places I’ve worked. I mean, I’m not completely one hundred percent on every one but they’re at least amusing for the most part. I in no way want to stay there for to long however, and intend to start school again relatively soon.
Things with Ani are about the same, we love, fight, cry, live… I don’t want to give the wrong idea things are good, I just wanted to stress the extreme level of normalcy I’ve had to adjust to. My entire life has been filled with nothing but extremes, all my life people hating and loving each other in extreme ways, usually extremely negative ways. We do fight, but when we do, no one yells or threatens anyone’s life, or integrity. When we fight it’s not like we’re going to break up or tell one another to piss off. One of us just stays mad at the other and after awhile, just like that, forgets why, or gets over whatever it was. In a weird way, this is probably the most comforting thing.. I know we’ll work through whatever; no one is trying to leave. I feel safe.
I guess now I’ll talk about how our family has begun to grow. We recently decided to get a dog and after much discussion, college, and even psychological research, we decided on a breed. We got not only one but two Miniature Schnauzers. Yeah two, I know, I’ve said the same thing to myself about a thousand times. After making the decision we still waited about almost a month before we actually purchased a dog. We were supposed to get the second one tomorrow but due to some kind of continental airlines brand red tape, will have to wait a little longer. We got a male and female but will “fix” them both as we have no intention of having babies (nor can we afford them). The male is a Salt and Pepper, and the female a silver and black… whatever. I doubt that meant anything to any of you, I feel the same way. The male is like black and white more or less, and the female is like silver and white so the AKC can piss off with their nonsensical color scheme names. The dogs are purebred, and the male is really well behaved. I really hope Sophie will be as good as him. Oh, their names are Ichiro and Sophie.
Ani and I purchased a digital camera today, so I’ll link some pictures of Ichiro, Ani is in them too actually. When we receive Sophie I’ll put some pictures of her here as well.
When I get some time I will link some pictures of my apartment too, and now that I have a camera, I’ll take lots of pictures of places and my family. I hope one of you actually reads this, I miss you all…
Work is good, for anyone who didn’t know I am working at Radio Shack. It’s nothing prestigious, or to par with anything any of my peers are doing, it’s not even the highest paying job I ever had; really it’s just the first place that hired me when I moved out here. I do make more money here then anything else so far I guess, it’s almost entirely commission based, so on a good week I can make up to $15.00 an hour. I haven’t dropped below $10.00 yet, but I guess I’m just good at getting people to buy things. My co-workers are cool too, more so then some of the other places I’ve worked. I mean, I’m not completely one hundred percent on every one but they’re at least amusing for the most part. I in no way want to stay there for to long however, and intend to start school again relatively soon.
Things with Ani are about the same, we love, fight, cry, live… I don’t want to give the wrong idea things are good, I just wanted to stress the extreme level of normalcy I’ve had to adjust to. My entire life has been filled with nothing but extremes, all my life people hating and loving each other in extreme ways, usually extremely negative ways. We do fight, but when we do, no one yells or threatens anyone’s life, or integrity. When we fight it’s not like we’re going to break up or tell one another to piss off. One of us just stays mad at the other and after awhile, just like that, forgets why, or gets over whatever it was. In a weird way, this is probably the most comforting thing.. I know we’ll work through whatever; no one is trying to leave. I feel safe.
I guess now I’ll talk about how our family has begun to grow. We recently decided to get a dog and after much discussion, college, and even psychological research, we decided on a breed. We got not only one but two Miniature Schnauzers. Yeah two, I know, I’ve said the same thing to myself about a thousand times. After making the decision we still waited about almost a month before we actually purchased a dog. We were supposed to get the second one tomorrow but due to some kind of continental airlines brand red tape, will have to wait a little longer. We got a male and female but will “fix” them both as we have no intention of having babies (nor can we afford them). The male is a Salt and Pepper, and the female a silver and black… whatever. I doubt that meant anything to any of you, I feel the same way. The male is like black and white more or less, and the female is like silver and white so the AKC can piss off with their nonsensical color scheme names. The dogs are purebred, and the male is really well behaved. I really hope Sophie will be as good as him. Oh, their names are Ichiro and Sophie.
Ani and I purchased a digital camera today, so I’ll link some pictures of Ichiro, Ani is in them too actually. When we receive Sophie I’ll put some pictures of her here as well.
When I get some time I will link some pictures of my apartment too, and now that I have a camera, I’ll take lots of pictures of places and my family. I hope one of you actually reads this, I miss you all…