May 14, 2006 21:27
I'm feeling sick to my stomach. It's panic. It's all about my fucking thesis, my dissatisfaction with my life, and how I feel that nothing's in my control at all. I cognitively know that everything is in my control, but due to the rules I have to operate within, it really feels like it's not. AND I'm fat. I've gained weight. The scales here say nice things, they say I've lost weight and are encouraging, but when I see a four kilogram increase difference on the scales at Mike's house, it's crushing. I have two massive zits on my face at the moment too, which are murdering my remaining self-esteem. I've been doing so well the past two weeks, and now, after my period, I am all self-loathing and self-sickening again. I hate me.
I just need to do it. I need to just get on with stuff.
I'm worried about Sassy too, on top of everything and that's really not helping. I'm afraid that her cough will make it hard for her to cope with the anaesthetic gas she has to have to have her knee repaired.
The only good thing that's going anywhere vaguely where I want it to go in my life is my relationship with Mike, but when I get like this, I mangle that too. I make him want to run away with my irrationality. And then I hate myself more. Vicious.
Something needs to break.
fears,
mike,
body image,
period & moods