(no subject)
Title: All in a Day's Work
Pairing: Xellos/Filia, Xellos/Zelgadis, Xellos/Valgaav
Rating: PG-13
Genre: M/F, M/M
Type: Unapologetic Parody
I figured that if anyone could appreciate this, it would be the folks here.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The idea for this fic came from a rather hilarious translation that I was given by Babelfish (http://babel.altavista.com/sites/babelfish/tr) for Xellos' title, "Juushinkan." The result is the (somewhat) scathing parody that you see here. Remember, folks: It's all in good fun! It should be plainly obvious to anyone who reads this that this is supposed to be a parody (and take note of what genre it's under). Therefore, no one should take personal offense at this. If you take general offense, that's a different matter entirely... ^^; So, without further ado, on with the fic!
All in a day's work...
Xellos slumped back into his stiff wooden chair, letting out a heavy, heavy sigh. Mondays were always the worst, and today looked like it was going to be worse than most. He hadn't gotten through everything he needed to do on Friday, and the weekend hadn't been kind to his mail pile. Being the only Animal God Official in the world was hard work.
Looking away from the fresh stack of letters addressed to his office, Xellos looked down at a form that he had left on his desk from when he was last here. Apparently, some Spotted Owls in Seyruun were in danger of losing their home due to Prince Philionel's approval of new zoning ground for logging. Not that Xellos particularly cared about the owls, mind; he was just happy to have a chance to mess things up for that bumbling oaf Phil. Send a few lesser demons into that forest for a while... that should scare Prince Phil's men away. He stamped the form with the Animal God Official Seal and slid it into his outbox.
Still weary-eyed, Xellos spied a memo that he had left for himself: Drawer 2. He reached down and slid the second drawer open, and then remembered why he hadn't stayed around on Friday to finish it up. The entire file was filled with nothing but requests from Furries wanting to be transformed into various types of animal anthropomorphs. Xellos eyed the letters with disgust. What a ridiculous request. I'm the Animal God Official, not the Blue Fairy... Still, there had to have been dozens of these letters packed into the drawer, and he couldn't just ignore them. So, he picked up the entire stack and dumped it into the trash. I'll just try and book Dilgear or Jillas to make a guest appearance at their next convention -- that should keep them happy for a while...
Xellos tried and failed to stifle a yawn. He tried to remember why he hadn't gotten any sleep last night, and then, to his horror, he remembered: he had been forced to spend a 'romantic' weekend with Filia, the golden dragon priestess. What a horrible three days that had been. He hated Filia, and Filia hated him. All she ever did was call him things like "raw garbage" and make fun of him for following a "frozen old demon king." The nerve of that girl! He had single-handedly destroyed more dragons than he could count! Filia would only be one more upon scores of others! Still, apparently someone thought it was a good idea for them to be together, with the result that both of them had been made completely miserable by the ordeal. He tried to push it out of his mind; he had work to do, and couldn't be distracted.
He reached out grabbed a random piece of mail from the pile, opening it up with dread. Slowly he skimmed over it, and tried to resist the urge of pounding his fist through his desk. Apparently a conclave of badgers wanted to know if they could get the famous lounge singer Shaguna Livodo to perform at a gala next week. Xellos held the letter between his fingers and let it go up in a whisp of flame; he wasn't even going to dignify that one with a response. Sure, he might get in trouble for it later, but right now, he didn't care.
He was supposed to be a creation of evil! Why was he made to suffer at this horrible desk job? He alone had been given power to rival that of the five servants of Lord Ruby-Eye himself! Why wasn't he being allowed to wreak havoc and cause chaos throughout the world? Even when he had been in the presence of the Lord of Nightmares herself, he hadn't gotten so much as a nod of approval for helping orchestrate the whole ordeal! The pile of letters still sat in front of him, and he begrudgingly picked another and tore it open.
Dear Xel-chan,
He shuddered. Where did people get off calling him that?
First of all, I want to say that you are the kawaiiest Mazoku ever! And you're SOOO much cooler than that twit Amelia!
Xellos paused in horror; he knew where this was going.
Anyway, I NEED you to be in this yaoi fic I'm writing with you and Zel-chan. Don't worry, it's mostly just smut, so you won't need to hang around long or anything. Thanks a bunch!
Love,
Mandy-chan
Xellos crumpled up the letter in his hand and seethed. As a being that fed on negative emotions, he cursed the fact that he could not thrive off of his own. Not another Zelgadis fic! That was just as bad (if not worse) than being stuck with Filia! He just hoped that the author was being honest about it being quick and all -- he had been forced to star in far too many fics that just went on and on with chapter after chapter of pointless, pointless angst.
With a twisted smile, he remembered the rush of power he got when he held Galvayra. He remembered what it felt like to watch the spells of Lord Ruby-Eye decimate the weak. I have the power to destroy them all! Surely, wiping out a group of human girls couldn't upset the Greater Beast's plans that much.... Even still, he knew that he could not act without authorization. Instead, he authorized a waiver for a pack of rabid wolves to ravage a human village that had been built foolishly close to the edge of a forest.
So, throughout the course of the next few hours, Animal God Offical Xellos slowly tried make his way through the pile of letters. He dreaded opening each one of them so much that one might think that they would release a Giga Slave upon being opened. "Can you do anything about the fact that my son's been turned into a werewolf?" "The Wombat Equality Font requests a larger budget." "There are rumors that Lina Inverse is in the area looking for dragon cuisine again." Every request seemed to get more and more asinine than the one before it. What he wouldn't give to have someone come along with a Darkstar weapon and stab it into his head right about now.
Finally, late into the evening, Xellos looked at the final piece of mail as he held it in both his hands, and opened it with trepidation. The stationery was scented, and little piece of confetti fell out as he pulled the letter from its envelope. Swallowing hard, he read:
Dear Xel-chan,
WAI!! I'm writing a really angsty Valgaav yaoi fic that I think you'd be perfect for! I'd like to give you more details, but that's a secret! Sankyuu!!
--Kristy-sama
Xellos slowly and deliberately started pounding his face into his desk, wishing deep down to the Lord of Nightmares that doing this could actually physically hurt him.
Far off on Wolfpack Island, Zelas Metallium watched the scene silently and took another drag of her cigarette. She smiled. Soon, everything would come into fruition. Very soon. She then went back to admiring her massively sexy legs, faintly aware of the repeated sound of Xellos' head smacking against the wooden desk.
Fin
Pairing: Xellos/Filia, Xellos/Zelgadis, Xellos/Valgaav
Rating: PG-13
Genre: M/F, M/M
Type: Unapologetic Parody
I figured that if anyone could appreciate this, it would be the folks here.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The idea for this fic came from a rather hilarious translation that I was given by Babelfish (http://babel.altavista.com/sites/babelfish/tr) for Xellos' title, "Juushinkan." The result is the (somewhat) scathing parody that you see here. Remember, folks: It's all in good fun! It should be plainly obvious to anyone who reads this that this is supposed to be a parody (and take note of what genre it's under). Therefore, no one should take personal offense at this. If you take general offense, that's a different matter entirely... ^^; So, without further ado, on with the fic!
All in a day's work...
Xellos slumped back into his stiff wooden chair, letting out a heavy, heavy sigh. Mondays were always the worst, and today looked like it was going to be worse than most. He hadn't gotten through everything he needed to do on Friday, and the weekend hadn't been kind to his mail pile. Being the only Animal God Official in the world was hard work.
Looking away from the fresh stack of letters addressed to his office, Xellos looked down at a form that he had left on his desk from when he was last here. Apparently, some Spotted Owls in Seyruun were in danger of losing their home due to Prince Philionel's approval of new zoning ground for logging. Not that Xellos particularly cared about the owls, mind; he was just happy to have a chance to mess things up for that bumbling oaf Phil. Send a few lesser demons into that forest for a while... that should scare Prince Phil's men away. He stamped the form with the Animal God Official Seal and slid it into his outbox.
Still weary-eyed, Xellos spied a memo that he had left for himself: Drawer 2. He reached down and slid the second drawer open, and then remembered why he hadn't stayed around on Friday to finish it up. The entire file was filled with nothing but requests from Furries wanting to be transformed into various types of animal anthropomorphs. Xellos eyed the letters with disgust. What a ridiculous request. I'm the Animal God Official, not the Blue Fairy... Still, there had to have been dozens of these letters packed into the drawer, and he couldn't just ignore them. So, he picked up the entire stack and dumped it into the trash. I'll just try and book Dilgear or Jillas to make a guest appearance at their next convention -- that should keep them happy for a while...
Xellos tried and failed to stifle a yawn. He tried to remember why he hadn't gotten any sleep last night, and then, to his horror, he remembered: he had been forced to spend a 'romantic' weekend with Filia, the golden dragon priestess. What a horrible three days that had been. He hated Filia, and Filia hated him. All she ever did was call him things like "raw garbage" and make fun of him for following a "frozen old demon king." The nerve of that girl! He had single-handedly destroyed more dragons than he could count! Filia would only be one more upon scores of others! Still, apparently someone thought it was a good idea for them to be together, with the result that both of them had been made completely miserable by the ordeal. He tried to push it out of his mind; he had work to do, and couldn't be distracted.
He reached out grabbed a random piece of mail from the pile, opening it up with dread. Slowly he skimmed over it, and tried to resist the urge of pounding his fist through his desk. Apparently a conclave of badgers wanted to know if they could get the famous lounge singer Shaguna Livodo to perform at a gala next week. Xellos held the letter between his fingers and let it go up in a whisp of flame; he wasn't even going to dignify that one with a response. Sure, he might get in trouble for it later, but right now, he didn't care.
He was supposed to be a creation of evil! Why was he made to suffer at this horrible desk job? He alone had been given power to rival that of the five servants of Lord Ruby-Eye himself! Why wasn't he being allowed to wreak havoc and cause chaos throughout the world? Even when he had been in the presence of the Lord of Nightmares herself, he hadn't gotten so much as a nod of approval for helping orchestrate the whole ordeal! The pile of letters still sat in front of him, and he begrudgingly picked another and tore it open.
Dear Xel-chan,
He shuddered. Where did people get off calling him that?
First of all, I want to say that you are the kawaiiest Mazoku ever! And you're SOOO much cooler than that twit Amelia!
Xellos paused in horror; he knew where this was going.
Anyway, I NEED you to be in this yaoi fic I'm writing with you and Zel-chan. Don't worry, it's mostly just smut, so you won't need to hang around long or anything. Thanks a bunch!
Love,
Mandy-chan
Xellos crumpled up the letter in his hand and seethed. As a being that fed on negative emotions, he cursed the fact that he could not thrive off of his own. Not another Zelgadis fic! That was just as bad (if not worse) than being stuck with Filia! He just hoped that the author was being honest about it being quick and all -- he had been forced to star in far too many fics that just went on and on with chapter after chapter of pointless, pointless angst.
With a twisted smile, he remembered the rush of power he got when he held Galvayra. He remembered what it felt like to watch the spells of Lord Ruby-Eye decimate the weak. I have the power to destroy them all! Surely, wiping out a group of human girls couldn't upset the Greater Beast's plans that much.... Even still, he knew that he could not act without authorization. Instead, he authorized a waiver for a pack of rabid wolves to ravage a human village that had been built foolishly close to the edge of a forest.
So, throughout the course of the next few hours, Animal God Offical Xellos slowly tried make his way through the pile of letters. He dreaded opening each one of them so much that one might think that they would release a Giga Slave upon being opened. "Can you do anything about the fact that my son's been turned into a werewolf?" "The Wombat Equality Font requests a larger budget." "There are rumors that Lina Inverse is in the area looking for dragon cuisine again." Every request seemed to get more and more asinine than the one before it. What he wouldn't give to have someone come along with a Darkstar weapon and stab it into his head right about now.
Finally, late into the evening, Xellos looked at the final piece of mail as he held it in both his hands, and opened it with trepidation. The stationery was scented, and little piece of confetti fell out as he pulled the letter from its envelope. Swallowing hard, he read:
Dear Xel-chan,
WAI!! I'm writing a really angsty Valgaav yaoi fic that I think you'd be perfect for! I'd like to give you more details, but that's a secret! Sankyuu!!
--Kristy-sama
Xellos slowly and deliberately started pounding his face into his desk, wishing deep down to the Lord of Nightmares that doing this could actually physically hurt him.
Far off on Wolfpack Island, Zelas Metallium watched the scene silently and took another drag of her cigarette. She smiled. Soon, everything would come into fruition. Very soon. She then went back to admiring her massively sexy legs, faintly aware of the repeated sound of Xellos' head smacking against the wooden desk.
Fin